(GUYS i literally wrote this in JULY and never published it. what's wrong with me? i don't know. here, have this since i haven't updated anything in forever. sorry about that. i sorta posted a shitty explanation on my page if anyone is wondering where i went. anyway, enjoy!!)
everything is dull.
colors, memories, thoughts, emotions.
tyler doesn't know why everything behind his eyes is so dismal. he has a great family, good friends, and his boyfriend. most of the time he's shameful and builds a wall between himself and his brain, guilty for feeling so empty when he should feel happy.
today is one of his worse days. he lays in bed, hugging the teddy bear his boyfriend bought him for their one year anniversary against his chest. his air conditioner is on full blast, a weighted blanket pulled up to his chin. there's a pit in his stomach, his thoughts swirling relentlessly, yet somehow he feels empty.
maybe he can blame the fact that he's gotten so good at detaching himself from his emotions, but at times like these he regrets falling into that habit. he never realized that emptiness was worse than sadness. sadness is an emotion, emptiness is nothing. sadness comes and goes, but emptiness lingers. sadness is easy to explain, easy to come to terms with, but emptiness isn't. sadness is a pit, but emptiness is a black hole. how do you pull yourself out of it?
j: hey t ❤️
tyler just sighs, reading the text from his boyfriend. he lays his phone face down on the bed and shuts his eyes before finally working up the energy to type a response.
t: hey
j: i miss your face
the brunette rubs his eyes, tucking the head of his teddy bear beneath his chin.
t: i need a hug
j: is everything okay?
how does he respond to that? no, everything's not okay, but he doesn't even know why. he doesn't know what's got him feeling this way. what's wrong with him?
t: idk just another bad day
j: im on my way
t: you don't have to
j: i love you ❤️
t: i love you too
read 7:03 pm
tyler sighs again, stuffing his phone under his pillow. he feels so guilty. he doesn't want josh to come over. he'd rather be alone, honestly, just to drown in his sorrow. josh does so much for him to get what in return? a mopey, stupid, annoying boyfriend? tyler knows that's all he is. he never understands how josh can stick with him.
he's been staring at the wall for about twenty minutes when his door opens. glancing over, josh stands with a little smile on his lips and hands behind his back. "hey beautiful."
tyler looks him up and down, then returns his gaze to the wall. "hey."
josh walks in, nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. "i got you something."
