Waiting For The End. (Complete) (EDITING )

My December.

"This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow-covered home
This is my December
This is me alone"
-My December - Linkin Park.

Having deja-vus is not the cool thing people talks about.
Actually, that's the most terrifying experience a person can have. Maybe in the second place after sleeping paralysis.
Having those two combined can break the most strong human being.
Experience both several times a week....
You know what is coming. You know you can't scream. You know you can't move. You know you have to kill him. You know you will have to experience that next night, too. Over and over again.

But if you survived once, there's a big chance you survive twice.
Good thing is, while you are trapped on your own body, alone with nothing else that your mind. Your crazy mind. There, all the what if are more than just allowed. You can twist all you want to reach another conclusion. Another way.
What if I just stab him in the leg and ran? What if he didn't die? What if somebody found the body? Called the cops? What if I didn't kill him and he come for me? What if actually I'm dead? Or if I stay trapped in my body forever? What if I'm already in HELL?

A big petrified screaming make me open my eyes in shock.
The first sound in decades? Hours? Days?
Light was so heavy. Too white.
Dark has its benefits after all.
It took me figuring out where the scream came from. It was me.
That make me lose the benefit of darkness. I was scared. What if I never find a way to come back to black?

I couldn't face reality. It was too soon. Or too late.

Next few hours passed by in a blurry.
Doctors, joni, checks, blood test, other kind of test. More joni. A lot more doctors. I wasn't able to understand what was happening.

Waking up took me 8 days.
I've lost a lot of blood. And a baby.
I was 9 weeks pregnant.
I was pregnant of the same guy who took the shit out of me.

Apparently I had several hematomas, dislocated shoulder, a stab in my forearm, a burnt in my leg (I burned my leg with the scape of my motorcycle before they took me) 4 broken ribs and a miscarriage.

I had surgery to remove placenta, an intervention to remove infected tissue of my leg and a small surgery to fix what the stab cut on my arm.

8 days in coma, 6 months to recover full movement in my hand, at least 20 more visits to different doctors, 1 year before I could try having another baby and 2 months free for ptst therapy, gifted by the hospital I was in.

I didn't want to think about numbers. All I wanted was be left alone on an open road with my motorcycle. Freely ride to kootenai. I was missing mountains right now. And the darkness. I needed the darkness.

How can I face my decisions?

My ex almost killed me.

He killed my baby.

I killed him.

I decided to stay alone outside in that gas station.

I left the captivity place bleeding to almost death.

See? Guilt was all over there.

Inside of me, my rational, semifunctional me, knew it wasn't my fault.

But I survived.

My baby don't.

I killed a man.

I almost killed myself.

How I get rid of this?