Waiting For The End. (Complete) (EDITING )

It is Unfinished? or Is it Endless?

Several pairs of twins declared that whatever one of them is feeling automatically the other one feels the same, some kind of replica. No matter the distance separating them.
Biologically, we were not blood related. Lifelly, things were not different. After 24 years togheter, we can tell, even in distance, when the other one was suffering. A broken leg, a broken heart. It didn't make the difference.
We know each other like ourselves.
Sometimes even more.

In June 13, a few days before the ceremony to Brandon life's, I felt the worst excruciating pain.

I don't fell, I didn't have a car crush. A train didn't crush me. But the pain I felt that morning was worst than anything else I felt before. And I knew something about pain.

It wasn't sadness, this was different. Was physical. And all I could think about was call joni.

But I couldn't move. I knew deep inside me, that in Idaho something was wrong. Really really wrong.

Joni was there planning the road home with the other sections and the supposed to be back next morning with nomadic crew and guys of Idaho and Montana.

I started feeling nauseous and my vision started to get black in the edge. My body was full shacking. I couldn't breath properly but it wasn't a panic attack. It was more like my body was in shock.

I tried to reach my phone but it fell out of my night stand and pain was so bad I couldn't move to get it.

Until Remy ran into the bedroom.

-oh God, they called you already right? Dallas! You are shacking so hard! Let's sit.

-wh...who...

-was snakes mc. They put a bomb in the road outside kootenai. Count goes on 10 official members, 7 prospects, 8 wives and members of the Fredom Speachers were killed. It was bad, we need to go there.

-joni. .

-sorry, baby. Will was riding with him. 45 loses so far. 10 in critical state. Some missing according declarations made by the officials who stayed.

-kids... I can't... Joni.

-Dallas, I need you. Please, God knows you have the right. But please. Just for 1 day, help me to put the shit togheter. If you break right now I will break right after you. We need to be in Idaho within the next 10 hours. I need to be there, find facts, have my guys bodies in a way home and come back here to lose my shit. Please, sister, I need your help.

-oh... ok. I'll try.

-thank you. It's the best you can give me and that's all I need. I know you need to break too. And you have more rights than I do, whenever you have to. I'm just asking.... I'm just saying. .. I need... you were his other half. I was his brother but you were his soul. I'm being selfish but I need. .. I need that connection to past through this. Today at least.

-calm down, Remington. I got you. As soon as I end being shocked. I'm guessing we can use shock right now. Otherwise I will not be able to move at all. But everything hurts like hell and I can't breath correctly. Why can't I get enough air?can you open a window? I'm shacking so much, but I'm worried about oxygen. People live with shakes everywhere. Is shock like Parkinson? I'm not worried about that. I can do that, but without oxygen. .. people die when can't breath correctly. And we need to move. Joni knew how to take me out of panic attacks. What if I never get out of this panic attack? Who will cook? Maybe he is just missing. .. he can't be dead right? That asshole can't die on me.

-relax Dallas, stop crying. Chazzy wouldn't like if you cry for him.

-well if he don't want me to cry over him he shouldn't die then! Stupid mothafucker! Of course I'm going to cry! We lived togheter 24 fucking years! If he don't want me to cry, he needs to not die!

-I know. I'm sorry. .

-can we hug and cry a little bit more? Just to piss joni's ghost a little bit. Then we move. I ... I had no idea...either.

-I was supposed to be there. Remy supposed to be there too. But I was managing funeral's arraignment for Pops. My son was feeling sick so Remy decided to stay with us. He wasn't needed there as they were only picking up some people and stuff for the ceremony here in the army. It was just a reunion. A simple reunion for a box. A bullet proof box for Brandon's cut and a special urn to spread his ashes on the road.
Our club was coming back the next day. Members of other section and a friend club. Nomadic. It was going to be a full house. We were celebrating the life of our president.
Now I have to spread 25 more bodies, including my husband's. If there's something left to spread.

There was no word to describe the devastation I was not allowing me to feel.

Maybe, I never stop feeling that pain. After joni, I've never felt safe or complete again.
No matter how much therapy I did. How much books I read, how much music I listened, how much vodka I drunk. How much smiles I've got with my kids.

I've never be Dallas again. Joni gave me my name. Without him my name was senseless.
A continent did not the difference. Move across America did not minimize the pain, not even a bit.

The symbolic spread of ashes of our guys was dark. What was left of the club was riding by inertia. We wasn't there.

Remy assumed as a president 2 days before the ceremony. We custom hand made new cuts for our memory wall. The showcases were bullet and fire proof. A gift from other section.
The club used to burn cuts as a symbolic show of the members will always ride with us, even in the other side. A sign of respect. They use handmade replicas, and those ashes used to be spread with body's ones.

We thought that was no need to do it in this case.

Every single member ended up drunk that night.

We did some karaoke, we tell stories and we drink our weight in alcohol. Whatever was each one's poison, was there.

Ol'ladies got vitriens beside husband's ones. And in the case they die before ol'man they have a special section for them.
My cut was there right after chazzy's. I was leaving as soon as I finished heritage management with my lawyer.
Will and joni left everything to me and my kids.

I did accounts for both of them, and one for the moving. The rest of the money was donated. Made arrangements with my own money, too.

On July 20th, 2017 chester Bennington was found death in California. 2 days later my money found a good cause to go to.

Remy started talking about retaliation. Several members agreed.

I couldn't afford lose anyone else. Or keep fighting. I needed to recover myself. And have my kids safe.

Argentina looked great to start over. So, I did. I just pick up my stuff, my kid's stuff and we leave.

I needed to find myself again.