So there we were forehead to forehead, and nose to nose lookin into eachothers eyes. There was so much love flowin from Que's body that it had me in a mild trance.
His mom finally spoke breakin the spell that he seemed to have me under.
Ms.Thomas: Quinton!!
Que: Huh.(he said lookin at her)
Ms.Thomas: Boy let him go damn he aint goin nowhere.(she laughed)
Que: Man ma chill out.
Ms.Thomas: No u move, and get off of my baby. U need to be tryna figure out how, and what the hell u gone say to angie. Before she be tryna pull that u cant see yo baby bulls***t, and I have to beat her ass.
Que: She wouldnt do that ma.
Ms.Thomas: What ever, but come on sweety. I can tell somethin is botherin u so come talk to mama.
Que: Ma aint nothin wrong wit me.
Ms.Thomas: Boy get yo ass out the way I aint talkin about u.(she laughed pushin him to the side and grabbin me)
Que: Aw so its like that now ma?
Ms.Thomas: I love u too, but I can see he got some stuff on his mind that he needs to talk about. Take yo nosey ass upstairs too cuz I know how u are.
She led me back to the kitchen as she continued cooking. I sat at the table for a while not knowin what to say, or what she expected me to say. How could I tell her that her son just came out to his babymama for somebody that loves him as much as he loves them, but is still confused about what he wants. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated all the time, is nothin ever simple.
Ms.Thomas: So tell me whats wrong I can see it all over yo face.
Shawn: Ma I love Que, but im just...confused. I wanna be able to give him my all, but I dont think thats possible right now. I been playin games wit him, and everybody else for so long now that ive only ended up playin myself.
Ms.Thomas: What u mean?
Shawn: Im still in love wit not only my ex, but 2 other dudes Que being one of them. I was so scatter brained I did some real foul stuff that put me in a messed up situation. All because I didnt know how to deal wit the real problems, and make a decision. My ex actually just broke up wit me before I came over here, and u know how that go. I love Que to death, but I dont wanna hurt him. I just feel like all I keep doin is hurtin everybody because I been tryna keep them all happy.
Ms.Thomas: It sounds to me like u need to start thinkin about yo self more rather than other people.
Shawn: I dont think so cuz me being selfish got me here in the first place. Instead of me makin a decision and choosin who I want I led them all on because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. After the whole thing wit my mom I always felt alone, but then thats when everybody started comin at me wit all this I love u s***t...uh stuff...sorry ma.
Ms.Thomas: Mhm, but I think u might need to learn how to love yo self instead of all these lil boys.
Shawn: I do love myself.
Ms.Thomas: Do u really?
Shawn: I dont think im followin what u sayin.
Ms.Thomas: Baby the only people I know that long for the affection of other people are the ones that have none for them selves. The stuff that u tellin me just aint somethin that people put they self through willingly. Your only human and u cant play wit other people feelings without f***kin up ya own in the process. If u really are this torn between so many people im suprised u aint snapped yet because to be pulled in so many different directions is a lot of pressure. What I think u really need is just some time to your self to really get to know who u are and then you'll know who u really want. I love my baby, but dont let nobody guilt u into being with him or make u feel like u have to be. Like I told him once before love can be a lot of things, but one thing no one ever considers it to be is a prison. That s***t will trap u if u let it!
I just sat there thinkin about what she said. Is it possible that all of my actions are some kind of self destruction type of s***t because I dont love myself. Now that im really thinkin about it no self loving or respectin person would do half the s***t that ive done purposely. Maybe I do need some time to really figure out who I am but how do I tell that Que.
Shawn: Ma.
Ms.Thomas: Yea baby.
Shawn: How do I tell all of this to Que?
Ms.Thomas: Thats the part that I cant help u wit.(she laughed)
Shawn: Thats what im sayin, and I know he aint gone be tryna hear that "I need some me time" stuff.
Ms.Thomas: Well thats my baby just as stubborn as his mama, but he'll understand.
Shawn: I hope so.(i said soundin defeated)
Ms.Thomas: Let me ask u one question though because this might solve some of yo problems.
Shawn: Ok.(i said lookin concerned)
Ms.Thomas: What is it about Que that makes u so scared of hurtin him?
Shawn: Because....I dont know.
Ms.Thomas: I think u do.(She smiled)
After she said that I just sat there in my thoughts for a while. I gave her a hug and a kiss as I got up to get ready to leave, but as soon as I left out the kitchen Que was standin right there. I knew this nosey nigga was gone be listenin to our conversation. I dont even care though cuz I wouldve told him eventually we talk about every damn thing.
Shawn: Im about to head out iight.
Que: Shawn I heard what yall talked about, and I still dont care.
Shawn: Que please just give me some time thats all im askin.
Que: Why do u keep running from me dawg just stop pushin me away. What else do I have to do for u to understand how serious I am when it comes to me and u.
I walked up to him and grabbed his face to make him look at me.
Shawn: I love u Que, but I want u to have me to your self when we take that step. Right now its a few things I need to sort out before there can ever be an us.
He look at me for a while then pulled me close by my waist, and kissed me with so much love it took my breath away. I dont know why, but he did something to me that seemed to make me bend and fold however he wanted. Damn I really do love this dude.
Que: I understand bae, but why cant I help u through it. I wanna be there for u the same way u been there for me.
Shawn: Because I created this problem by my sef, and I have to solve it by my self.
Que: Yo problems are my problems, and I dont care what u say im gone help u through this.
Shawn: U so damn stubborn.(i smiled)
Que: I love u too.(he said kissin me)
I walked back wit a lot to think about. He wanted to walk me home, but I declined and its a good thing I did. As I got closer to my apartment complex I noticed Courtney's car. I wasnt too shocked about him being there, but I just wasnt ready to face him yet. When I opened the door I was expecting to see boxes of his stuff, but he was just sittin on the couch chillin. He saw me and jumped up instantly pullin me into a hug.
Court: Bae where u been man I was worried as hell about u?
Shawn: I was at Que house, and what u mean bae?
Court: I was just mad shawty I could never leave u. I went home to talk to my mama, and get my mind right thats all.
Shawn: Courtney u need to listen to me. I..I need to be alone for a while. What we use to have was great, but what its turned into is totally different. Im standin by yo decision, and I think we do have too many secrets between us.
Court: F***k that u not leavin me, and im not leavin u. We been through too much s***t to just throw it all away. We can work through this bae dont give up on us.
Shawn: Im not givin up I just think we need some time apart.
Court: Or some more time for u to keep being a hoe!
Shawn: What!?
Court: Nigga u aint foolin me I know u like a book!! What dude u feelin now that u still runnin game on!!
Shawn: U being real disrespectful right now.
Court: Are u still f***kin wit Noah!?
Shawn: U got me f***ked up, and if u think that u dont know me as well as u think.
Court: So who is it then...Que?
Shawn: Thats my bestfriend.
Court: That didnt answer my question.
I just looked at him for a while as his anger boiled to the surface. He grabbed me by my shirt and choked me up against the wall.
Court: Answer my question!!
Shawn: Let me go u hurtin me!!
Court: So all this time u been f***kin wit him behind my back too!!
Shawn: NO I HAVENT NOW LET ME GO!!(i yelled)
He snapped outta his rage when he noticed the red marks around my neck that he made.
Court: Bae..im sorry.
Shawn:....I think u need to leave.
Court: Bae-
Shawn: Courtney please.
He just stared at me as he teared up lookin defeated. He finally grabbed his keys, and walked out the door without lookin back. Little did he know he just made my decision a lot easier. Being in an abusive relationship was never my cup of tea. If its gotten to a point where we have to psyhically fight then we dont need to be together. Although he didnt hit me the fact that he put his hands on me out of anger was just as bad. Its crazy how the same people that make u all these promises about what they'll never do. Turn out to be the same one's to f***k u over again and again. We both did our dirt even though mine was prolly a lil more foul, but s***t two wrongs dont make a right. I can do bad all by my damn self straight up.
