soulmates - a draco malfoy fanfiction

eleven

╔═══ *.·:·. ☽ ✧ ✦ ✧ ☾ .·:·.* ═══╗

draco

TWO DAYS LATER:

Mother,

I'm still in the hospital wing. Celia has been a lifesaver though. Her and Hermione come by my bed everyday to give me my homework and teach me what I missed that day in every class. I don't always do my homework, because of headaches and nausea, but the teachers are understanding and let me off it's not all done. I'm so glad Celia hands the work in, or gets someone else to do it if we don't share that particular class, as I would feel weak and pathetic handing in half-done homework because of my sensitive constitution.

You always ask me in your responses to my letters to tell you how I'm going, not how school or Celia is going, so I'm going to try my best to explain it to you.

As far as happiness goes, I'm ok. I've been happier, and I've been sadder. Having Celia visit me everyday (and all day on weekends) is helpful, and believe it or not, Hermione's company is becoming tolerable. I just feel so trapped due to being bedridden. It's like I'm in a box.

But then there's my mental state, and to be honest, it's all over the place. At first I was scared, and told Celia, but she stayed back after class one Potions lesson to ask Snape, and he thinks it's perfectly normal.

Basically, what happens is, I can't stop thinking, and it's affecting my sleep. And I realise it's a stupid thing to say as no one really ever stops thinking, but my thoughts are loud and blaring in my mind, and I don't think they're really my thoughts. Once again, sounds ridiculous, but it's almost as if the potion has possessed my thoughts. It's getting less and less every night, but it's incredibly scary.

All day I need to keep myself thinking or focused on something, like my breathing or another pacient, just so my thoughts don't go astray. However, at night, when my head hits the pillow and my eyes close it all begins. This strange unfamiliar voice in my head yells at me. Some of the things he said last night were "You love Pansy", "Why did you lie about Pansy?", "You got your soulmate suspended" or "You'll never know love again".

When they began they were hard to decipher what was my thoughts or what was the potions. One morning when Celia came in I yelled obscenities at her for getting Pansy suspended, as the evil man in my head told me it was her fault my 'true love' was gone. She looked so startled and hurt, her sad eyes not leaving mine when she called Madame Pomfrey. As soon as I heard her voice cut through the silence that proceeded after me I was able to tell that they weren't my thoughts.

I hated myself that whole day for feeling so weak and being so persuadable.

That night I tried so hard to fight sleep and stay awake, so I wouldn't be convinced by the voice in my head, but as soon as sleep overcame me, I had a nightmare so real, according to Neville (who is in the bed next to mine, recovering from the hexes Pansy placed on his) I woke up screaming "Pansy no".

I decided the voices were better than the nightmares, so I've since retired that approach.

Madame Pomfrey suggested I take medicine to help me sleep, but I've been too scared to drink liquids that aren't water, and I can't eat food without smelling it like a man with a compulsive disorder to to make sure it doesn't smell like strawberries or mint (what my Amortentia-poisoned food smelt like). I feel like a man with a compulsive disorder.

Please don't send for me to come home. I miss you, but Hogwarts with Celia is the best place for me to be, as if I were to be home I would be miserable. Please respond soon. I am running out of things to focus on, and your letters are like home at Hogwarts.

All my love,

Draco.

FOUR DAYS LATER:

Mother,

Once again, I am still in the hospital wing, though Madame Pomfrey is hopeful tonight will be my last night.

She smiled at me when I told her that the evil man in my head only said one thing to me last night. He said "goodbye". She believes it means the Amortentia is fully out of my system. I hope so. I felt especially weak today, as though I'd also vomited away all my muscles.

And yet, other than the absence of the voice, I still don't feel 100%.

I find myself still questioning what is real and what I have been conditioned to think. I find this especially confusing. With Celia it's easy because she's been my best friend for so long I never have to question that I love her and trust her. However, with other people, it's more confusing. Two afternoons ago, when Celia was serving detention for telling Seamus Finnigan to shove his broomstick up Dean Thomas' anal sphincter (it was apparently incredibly funny at the time), Hermione came to visit me alone.

I instantly sent her away, telling her I didn't trust her. And I thought I didn't. I forgot I trusted Hermione, and she was starting to become my friend. Mum, I even called her a mudblood. It pains me to say it but it brought tears to her eyes and I still feel guilty about it. I realised as soon as the tear trickled down her face that I messed up, and I instantly apologised. She didn't believe me at first, suggesting where I should go (hell), when I explained to her the situation, and even though she's forgiven me, I can't forgive me.

You're going to tell me there's nothing I can do about it. That's not true. I'm weak and I need to learn to fight this before I turn all my friends away from me.

The same thing happened when Goyle came to visit. I demanded he tell me why he was coming, before I remembered we were friends.

I told Celia, and she told me that being back in my regular school routine will help, and I really hope so.

Thank you for all the extras in my last letter. I loved them. Thank you mother.

All my love,

Draco.

╚═══ *.·:·. ☽ ✧ ✦ ✧ ☾ .·:·.* ═══╝