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C H A P T E R 8

DENYA

What's wrong with me?

I can't expect people to help me with everything. I should have said something, anything.

Why didn't I do anything myself. What if Logan wasn't there and Jay didn't come? How would it have turned out? I would have probably cried my eyes out. And I would have had a panic attack in front of everyone. I would have made a fool of myself all over again.

This is so pathetic.

Why am I so pathetic. I know I'm stupid and I have this feeling that no one really likes me. That all the friends I have now just feel sorry for me just like Lena said. Maybe Trina was right, or maybe she wasn't. I don't really know I feel so stupid.

I'm so stupid.

No one likes me.

But then again I don't even like myself. It's understandable that they hate me. That they would choose people over me. I wouldn't put myself on the first place either. But this feeling sucks, and it hurts. Can't it just go away? I feel like I'm losing myself all over again.

"I-it's okay Denya. You don't have to be perfect." I tell myself while looking in the mirror, I hate this mirror. It's always showing me what I don't want to see. Or maybe I'm just not happy with what it's showing me.

"Honey are you almost done? They are already here." I hear my mom shout.

Family.

They say that it's something powerfull but all it did to me is bring me down. They say that you will find comfort in them. They say that as long you have your family not much can go wrong. But they say so many things and all of them are incorrect. Well it's true, just to bad that I can't relate right. I don't want to face them. Putting a dress on, making myself beautiful for them to hurt me. They aren't any different from Nate. No they are just the same.

"Denya are you even listening?" My mom shout again but this time a little angry.

I guess I stood in front of this mirror to help me pull myself up again. You know I don't hate my family. I just wish they could be a little nicer. Maybe even stop looking down on me. But we all know that some things are to good to be true. I was afraid but I finely revealed myself and my mom was smiling.

"You look beautiful." She didn't mean to hurt me and I know, But she needs to stop saying things that aren't true. She needs to stop lying to me.

"Thanks mom." I smiled at her but she already truned her back. My smile faded but appered again after going down the stairs.

When I was around 5 I thought I had the best family ever. I thought that I was blessed, to have these amazing people by my side. But then I growed up and stared seeing things differently.

I'm afraid of many things.

I'm afraid of them.

of me.

and this world.

The thing is that everything is fine just because I put a smile on my face. They think that everything is okay because I'm not breaking down in front of them. But I cry a whole ocean when the turn there back. I fall apart each time and no one knows. Pretty funny that they know me my whole life but they can't tell the difference between a real or fake smile.

"Denya you have grown up so much. I remember when you were just a baby." My aunty smiled and pulled me in a hug. I just did what everyone expected me to do.

Smile.

Just smile even if it's fake.

They can't tell the diffrence anyway.