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C H A P T E R 15

- Behind closed doors

Logan

I wasn't a person that cried all the time, sure some moments I lose my cool and other times I sink deep in a black hole I'm trying to stay out of. The days where the feelings won't go away, those are the days where I try to remember. It wasn't really a clear memory because I was just a kid at the time. But I tried to remember her smile, the sound of her laughter. The sound wasn't clear and her smile wasn't really visible.

But I tried.

I tried really hard.

Her gravestoon was a light grey with her name on it. Her birthday was writen in a dark color. I placed rosés on her gravestoon and sat infront of it. Trying to bring her back alive with my intens gaze, it wasn't working.

I would have gaven my life for her if they told me that's the only way for her to survive. It was getting too hard for me to breath since she was my oxygen. She was my world, until everything went crumbeling down. I felt a sharp pain going trough my chest, my heart was aching.

You would have tought i would be over by it know. I never spent alot of time with her but the time I spent in her présence where one of the best moments in my life. I remember her funeral. Everyone was dressed in all black with tears in their eyes. The man I'm supposed to call father held my borther in his arms and my stepmom was their too. I stood next to her grave far from them. He told me not to cry because I was a man. But I let the tears fall down my cheeks like the raindrops fall out of the sky. I picked myself up, I was a kid but I still picked myself up and consoled myself. In the conrners of my eyes I could see his look of disappointment. When we buried her body, and when we left the place. I come to realize I left my heart with her.

"You wouldn't be proud of me would you?" I asked her and got no respons.

"I know it was hard for you and I know that you couldn't stop it, I mean you could have asked for help. I'm sure they could have helped you, but you didn't and know you arn't  breathing anymore. I wouldn't have mind if you hated my guts or that you wanted me gone, I'm sure that the tought of you being alive would have Made my happy. W-why did you leave me her all by myself? Why didn't you just take me with you? I don'teven want to be here." The tears strated flowing down my cheeks and somewhere I felt like that boy again. The boy who lost the only hope he had left.

It strated raining and I looked at my watch, it smees like I lost track of time again. I stood up and left the cemetery and made my way home. The sky was a dark blue and the stars were shining  brightly. The house was extreemly quiet when I got home, until someone gasped for air.

"Damn man you scared me. Wait you just got home? It seriously 4 in the morning." Kean said while raising his eyebrow. I was planning on just walking past him and ignore
him but he grabbed my arm and looked at me with rage in his eyes.

"You can't live like this. You can't just do whatever the fucking you want."

"Since when do you care big brother? You sure didn't care when i got beat infront of you or when they would fucking lock me up in the basement." I said angry. His green eyes were filled with regret and sadness. He didn't have the right to be sad. Normally when I get mad I can control myself. Most of the time I don't let people know what is going on in my head. But he was staring to piss me off.

"Thats in the past Logan."

"In the past?"  I said with disbelieve. I could feel my blood boiling and thats the moment my fist came in to contact with his face. Kean went tumebling backwards  knocking things on the ground. My parents came down stairs to check what was going on.