fake rose // chaelisa

flashback (05)

all mistakes are mine.

i awoke from my deep sleep by the sun gently burning my cheek. i patted my bed hoping to feel chayoung beside me (i want to pull her close and cuddle with her) but all i felt was fluffy mattress. huh? where is she? i sat up, my eyes squinted trying to adjust to the sun's light. i looked around my room and although i still was dazed i know chaeyoung wasn't here nor was she in my bedroom's bathroom.

i abruptly sprang out my bed, panic seeping through my bones. my feet rushed me outside my bedroom and into my living room, no one was there. to the kitchen, none. bathrooms, none. the second floor of my apartment, none.

she was nowhere to be found, and the thought of her leaving me after what happened last night broke me so much. does she regret what we did?

i tried to look for a note, just a note, telling me that she left early or is buying something outside. but i found nothing at all. i searched my whole apartment, but i saw not even a trace of her. i threw my pathetic self on my couch and buried my face in my knees. i feel hurt, angry, confused, but it was the emptiness that overwhelmed my being that made me hold back warm tears.

i reached my phone that was on the coffee table and dialled chaeyoung's number multiple times. every time i call her, it rang, but she always ends it. she doesn't want to to talk to me. she regrets everything. and it's unfair.

because i don't regret anything. i don't regret what happened to us last night, i don't regret kissing her - i don't fucking regret falling in love with her.

my heart clenched, thoughts flooded my already full mind. suddenly, my surroundings are all of the sudden blurred. i didn't know why - not until i felt a warm tear roll down my cheek. i wiped it roughly, but out of nowhere, so many was falling that it was impossible to stop or even scrub off.

salty tears spilled down my face - the face that was once so pale and dull, now red and contoured in displeasure.

i sent her a text, asking where she was. i called her again, but she never answered. i tried to get in touch with her, but she blocked me in every social media account.

chaeyoung left, she also left my heart in disintegrated shambles of pieces.

i threw my phone due to frustration. i didn't care if it was the latest model of iphone, i was so mad, not at her, but to myself.

because if i didn't invite her over we'd still be fine. if i didn't kiss her first, i wouldn't be a crying mess.

"damn it, lisa! you're such a fuck up! a no-good piece of shit," i angrily muttered to myself. my heart is raging. my blood boiling in anger and frustration. hatred grew in my chest.

i hate myself.

an hour passed by and i was calm once again. there were no more tears, but the pain was still there. using my left hand, i pushed myself off the couch. i stumbled a few steps trying to get up. i need to talk to her. i hastily grab my coat and patted my cheeks a few times, trying to circulate blood to my face.

i was about to leave my apartment, my hand was already holding the doorknob. but a wave of fear sent a glacial rush down my spine making me take a few steps back.

i'm scared of what she might say.

what if she hates me?

what if she tells me to leave her alone?

what if she doesn't feel the same way i feel about her?

"fuck!" i screamed at the top of my lungs. i didn't care that i have neighbors, and that the wall of my apartment wasn't that thick.