fake rose // chaelisa

loving her (7)

n/a: all mistakes are mine

BACK TO THE PRESENT TIME.

my manager always wanted me to perform in korea. i absolutely understand why he wanted me to perform here so badly. the number of fans that i have here in korea is incredible, we could easily fill a huge arena. but i always rejected his offer, it was only of last month that i finally mustered up the courage to accept his offer and perform in the country he badly wanted me to perform in.

he was happy that i finally got to perform here. the moment i told him that i would finally perform in korea he asked me if i was sure about my decision.

i wasn't surprised when he asked me that. i long knew that my manager is a good man, although he wanted me to perform here, he never forced me to.

he knew my situation. he is, after all, a friend whom i can talk to.

do you know why i always denied his offer of performing in this country although i knew that i would make great money here?

it's because of rosè.

to be honest, i never really got over her. a year had passed by like a breeze, but for some reason, her smile is still my favourite.

she's like my one in a million, but i'm just someone to her.

the idea of sharing one country with her made me so uncomfortable. and to make things worse, we also shared the same city - seoul. the thought of that made me sick in my stomach.

no, i'm not disgusted by her. it's actually the other way around. i'm disgusted by myself.

i can't stomach the fact that i'm still in love with her after everything that had happened, it makes me sick because i can't accept it. i should hate her, not be head over heels in love with her. i want to rip my broken heart out my chest whenever it aches for her voice, touch or scent.

i have a broken heart. yes. i'm well aware of that.

rosè broke my heart - shattered it into millions of pieces. it's actually beyond repair. but somehow, for some damn reason, i still love her.

as i walk in the less crowded streets of seoul, i can't help but let my mind drift off 10 minutes ago when jennie unexpectedly sat beside me. i just couldn't believe that she watched my viral video. it was a video taken by a fan in concert a week ago.

if you're wondering what the video is all about. . . well, it was just me on stage talking how life was so rough when i was just 15 years old, and how no one was there for me when i needed someone most.

flashback: 1 week ago.

i took a long deep breath as i watched the arena we rented quickly be filled with people. mostly people that are 15+ of age. i nervously scanned the whole area since i was feeling something quite unusual. it felt as if someone who shouldn't be here is here.

it was normal for me to feel like that. the day my parents died - that's when all my shitty days started.

the moment they left, i was already showing signs of anxiety, but it gradually went away as i became a rapper/singer.

to my dismay, it slowly came back. it was when rosè suddenly left without a damn word.

i clenched my fist shut. i really feel like someone who shouldn't be here is here. but then again, i'm fucking crazy and i tend to overthink a lot.

and i'm sure i'm over thinking things again. that's not good because when i over think it usually leads to panic attacks and having to deal with one, especially right now, would be a pain in the ass.