fake rose // chaelisa

darkest days (08)

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, MENTION OF SUICIDE AND OTHER SENSITIVE TOPICS. IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED TO READ THIS CHAPTER.

n/a: all mistakes are mine

my concert is coming to an end. 3 hours of pure bliss and hypness. 3 hours of performing straight - i'm exhausted, but i didn't want it to end just yet.

but everything comes to an end. right? that's just how things work.

i gave my manager the cue and the lights turned off - leaving fans confused. i hastily grabbed a chair and dragged it to the centre of the stage. i sat still and waited for the light to shine on me.

it only took a few seconds of waiting. i squinted my eyes a little bit, adjusting to the light directly hitting me. there's only two light sources for the whole entire arena. first is the spot light, second being the projector that translates.

this is the first time that i'd be doing this. my manager suggested this segment in my concert. i didn't deny his suggestion, i thought that this would be a great opportunity to let my fans know me much better.

i moved around in my seat, trying to find a comfortable position. once founded, i took a long breathe and brought the mic in front of me.

"i know that you guys are confused," i started off. "to be honest, i am too."

there was a loud "whhhyyy?" and it made me chuckle for some reason.

"i'm confuse as to why i'm here -- in front of thousands of amazing people," i cooed and smiled.

"it's because you're amazing too!" i heard a loud answer. i turned my head to the direction of the voice. and saw a boy. probably 18 years old. he was holding a poster, grin plastered on his face. he was seated in the vip section which made me see him easier. i gave him a thumbs up, and that simple gesture made him so happy.

"but you guys are more amazing," i replied with a cheeky grin.

my fans awwed and cheered.

"want to hear a story?" i asked and almost instantly the crowd answers with a hard YES.

seeing my fan's enthusiasm made me so happy. it made me feel things. my fans got me pumped up and even bouncing in my feet - rosè used to make me feel that too.

"okay then. but it's about me. are you guys okay with that?"

and there was another instant and hard YES.

"great," i smiled and gave them a thumbs up. "you guys know at what age i debuted as a rapper/singer?"

"18!"

i nodded my head and showed a proud smile. "that's correct. my parents died when i was 15 years old. sadly, they couldn't see how their daughter climbed her way to the top."

"aww. . ." my fans cooed.

i chuckled at their response. "it's fine. don't feel sad," i reasurred them.

i don't want my fans to be sad. no one deserves sadness, not even the worst of the worst of people. because sadness is such a fuck up thing. it fills you with unwanted emotions, and it makes you feel worthless and unloved.

i've felt that -- i used to be consumed by unwanted emotions. and it was the most brutal days of my life.

flashback

it was march 27 of 2012. 3AM. i'm sound asleep in my own room, dreaming of happy memories and how great life is, but my dreams only lasted a few hours. to be woken up by my phone ringing underneath my pillow was something i wasn't expecting.