fake rose // chaelisa

oblivion (09)

all mistakes are mine.

i am awake.

but my eyes are shut close. i can't open them. it's like when you're trying to sleep but you can't, so you just shut your eyes hoping to fall asleep soon.

it was like that but less the frustration of wanting to be asleep soon.

i could hear the beeping sound of the heart rate monitor just right beside my ear. it was so damn loud.

beep.

beep.

beep.

gosh. . . i just wanted to sleep for some more. i feel so exhausted. i can't even move a single limb, hell, i can't even open my eyes.

i just want to lay here. my vision pitch-black, just how i wanted it to be. i'd rather hear annoying beeps than hear those fucking taunts.

i'm peaceful. i don't want to wake up -- not yet, but one day i'll have to. because it's what my parents wants.

i dreamed of them while i was unconscious. they apologized for never coming back. i, also apologized for being an idiot and swallowing i don't even know how many pills. i cried in my head, begging them to take me too but they only shook their heads and said 'you will be with us. . . but not soon. maybe after 8 or more decades. after you finally achieved your dreams in life. after you're finally married and full of wrinkles, until then, you stay in land. we are always watching over you, lalisa. please make us proud,' and then after that all i remember is being inundated by darkness and silence.

make them proud. . . how? are they disappointed in me for wanting to end everything so abruptly? but why? i did everything to be happy but nothing worked. i learned to fake a smile like it was a necessity for living. i even prayed to my agnostic God to help me with everything. but i was always pulled back in a self-hate pit.

i was in so much pain. still am.

because they left so unexpectedly. i was forced to accept something i didn't want to believe. how fucking messed up is that?

i'm hurting, but they probably are too, maybe they're hurting twice as much as i am. i don't want to think about them right now, for now, i just want to sleep. i don't want to face the real world just yet, i'm not ready.

i'm in a state of tranquillity because i know that i'm not dead, but not fully alive either.

just a little bit more.

i was reminiscing my happy moments when i heard voices over the loud beeps of the machine right beside me.

no. the voices aren't taunting me. they were just talking.

"how's lalisa?" a voice asked.

the voice is so familiar. i definitely have heard of it before but i couldn't tell to whom it belonged to.

"she's still in a coma. she's been like this for three days now. no movements seen from her whatsoever," i'm guessing it was the doctor who said that.

"she's too young to be in this state," the familiar voice said. it was faint, i almost couldn't hear it. the voice was laced with sadness and distressed.

"yes. i'm well aware of that."

"i just don't know what pushed her to do what she did."

"i was informed that her parents died two months ago," the doctor spoke.

i flinched in my head. i'm trying so hard to forget that, but he just says it without a single care in the world.

"yes. that's correct."