Just Friends? (Jammie)

XI (Part ii) - Her

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They say... start your day with happy thoughts and the rest of the day will run smoothly.

And I think I just did.

Beaming light peeks through the windows like it was greeting me.

Another morning, another beginning.

Another day of her occupying my mind. Her eyes, her smile, her lips, her hair, her scent, her touch, her laugh, her soul... Her.

A tear escaped my eye and followed by a few more. My eyes felt all too familiar with shedding tears.

I'm missing her so much.

How can the day be better if these happy thoughts are at the same time my depressing thoughts?

Can the day be any better? Or worse?

My inner ramblings was cut off by a sound of a door opening.

She's home.

I thought the worst pain is when you're crying alone.

I guess I'm wrong.

Because apparently, it's seeing her with tear-stained cheeks, messy make-up, reddish puffy eyes, and disheveled clothes, entering the apartment carelessly as if she thought no one's home.

But, she's wrong.

Because I'm still waiting at the same place and the same spot.

She might have thought I'm at work.

If I could, I would be. But, who am I kidding? I wouldn't function well if my mind-state seems like a catastrophe took place. If all I can do is stare at nothing.

But, now that I'm seeing her again, all the emotions came rushing again. Overwhelmingly, painful. I suddenly felt nervous upon facing her. I began contemplating on what should I do to mention my presence. The least thing I wanted is to make her leave and walk away again.

She went straight to the kitchen. Dragging her feet as if a weight was chained on her ankle. She clearly didn't notice my presence and the fact that I'm watching her from where I sat since last night. Where I found myself comfortable with settling on the carpeted floor in a hook sitting position while leaning my back on the bottom of the couch. My body felt tired even though I didn't really move a muscle all throughout the day. Ironically, I still feel more exhausted than a person who run a marathon.

I stand up and made my way to the kitchen. My feet are leading me although, my mind isn't ready yet. I have no idea on how should I approach her. If what should I say; what should I ask...

As I step my foot on the doorway, my eyes automatically searched for her. And tears begin again.

She was standing, leaning over the kitchen counter and obviously, crying, from the sobs and movement of her shoulders. Still unaware of the presence behind her. She must have seen the two mugs of now-cold coffee prepared on the counter and the note I left.

- 'Let's begin again, please? You're all that matter to me. I wouldn't ask for more.'

I took a deep breath, and went closer to where she stood. I act by instinct amd my instinct says it's my heart's turn. My loud mind shuts down this time.

My arms found her waist and pull her closer to me, embracing her tightly as if we could be as one.

I could feel her tensed and not wanting to startle her more, I spoke.

"It's me."

My cheek rested on the side of her head, silently thanking my little advantage in terms of height. Our bodies fit perfectly just like I imagined everytime. I'm glad. At least, she didn't let go. Yet.

I held her as her sobs subsides down. Her body eventually relaxed against me and after a moment, she spoke too.

"I know."

The serene sound of our hearts surround us. Shortlived peaceful scene.

"How so?" My eyes are closed, just enjoying every second of us.

"I always know." Her simple answer.

I hummed in response. My nose filled with the scent of her hair. Intoxicating.

"And you still get surprised and tensed?"

She remained quiet. And I actually thought she isn't planning on replying. But, she does.

"That's your effect on me."

Those simple words touched my heart directly, putting a little smile on my lips. I began humming again but, this time, to a tune of a song that's all too familiar to us. A song we share when we were in college. Edwin McCain's I Could Not Ask For More.

Eventually, the humming created lyrics on my lips.

"... And these are the moments, I thank god that I'm alive..." I sang softly while swaying a little, picking up the slow tempo of the song. "These are the moments, I'll remember all my life... I've found all I've w-waited f-for and I c---"

My voice cracked from flowing emotions overwhelming me again. I couldn't formulate words as it turns into sobs. And the fact that the song means so much for us. Tears began to flow again.

She suddenly turned around facing me but, before my mind could register everything, her arms enveloped around my neck pulling me into a tight hug. In which I reciprocated with much equal fervor.

No spoken words are shared. The feelings are enough. It's always enough.

I could hear her utter words between sobs and it still breaks my heart everytime I hear her cry. Every goddamn time.

"I'm s-so sorry for h-hurting you. I'm so s-sorry."

"Please, don't c-cry anymore. You're already forgiven. Y-you've always be forgiven." I reassured her as my hand caresses her hair comfortingly.

We pulled away from the shared embrace but, no one dare stepped back. No one dare move away. Despite the closeness of our faces.

I'm faced with her beautiful feature again. Those green eyes that I always miss. Those lips that will never ever leave my dreams. In front of me is the girl I love the most. The owner of my heart. It's always her.

"We'll start again... Right?" She asked with weakness laced in her voice.

I cupped her cheek and my thumb caressingly touch her skin.

"We'll begin again." I affirmed with a small smile in my lips.

As sad this is, I have thought of this the entire night until now. I'm not risking it. For now. But, I'm not letting her go. I will always love her. And if this is the only way I would have her then, I wouldn't ask for more. As long as I have her with me.

"You'll never lose me, Jo." She genuinely uttered staring straight into my eyes. "Always."

I gave a tight-lip smile, holding her hand in mine. "Always, Cams."

And I watch us begin again.

They say... start your day with happy thoughts and the rest of the day will run smoothly.

And I think I just did.

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