Just Friends? (Jammie)

XII (Part i) - I Almost Do

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Two days and two nights had passed since the day we restarted our relationship. And I can say that within the days and nights that passed by, I haven't stopped thinking about her. I haven't stopped staring at her every moves. I haven't stopped looking in her eyes. I haven't stopped admiring her smile.

I haven't stopped loving her.

My inner turmoil just temporarily silenced itself like a calm ocean that's hiding its hurricane under its depth. I'm trying my best not to pull her into me, hug her, kiss her, and tell her what I really feel. Again. And again. Everytime our gazes lock, I'm holding myself in place. It takes everything in me to control myself. But, just when these thoughts crosses my mind, the other thought that we're only friends makes me powerless enough not to trespass barriers. Enough to make me stop. 'Cause we're only best friends. Just friends.

I still wonder at night if she's thinking about me too. If she's having a hard time calming her heart like I do. If she has moved on or it never occured to her, 'cause maybe, she didn't have to.

But if she'll just ask how am I doing? She'll know that I can't sleep well at night. That I can't even greet her the usual good morning without tearing up. That I can't even maintain a decent conversation with her without getting lost in her eyes. That I can't even fucking smile. I can't even look at her without hearing the cracks of my heart. 'Cause if I risk doing those, I'll breakdown. I'll break myself over again.

Maybe, she's thinking now that I might be ignoring her on purpose or worse, hating her. But, I don't. I'm just saving myself. I'm just protecting my own heart. 'Cause everytime she reaches out, I walk away. Not because I hate her. It's because I can't. I still can't. I haven't moved on. Not even an inch.

But, if she'll just ask... She'll know that everytime I walk away, everytime I didn't reply, everytime I don't call her, everytime I don't talk, I always want to.

And I almost do.

But, I can't.

And it's probably better of this way.

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"Uhm, Jo?" Her voice made my insides churn.

Guilt.

I hope it's not about her calls that I didn't answer last night. Again.

I looked up from tying my shoe laces. "Yes?"

The blonde looked shy for some reasons I have no idea.

"Can I ride with you? I-- Well, I --- my car broke down last night and uhm... " She trails off. Never in my dreams that I expected to see my own best friend being all shy when asking me for a favor. A rare sight.

Plus, I always give her rides, nothing new.

"Sure." I answered without letting her finish.

I heard her sigh once I get up and picked up my bag heading out.

"Thanks." I heard her say before I opened the door.

I just hummed in response.

Th drive was silent for a moment, until she decided to plug in her phone and play some music. Her own playlist. The same list since college.

Ironic coincidence, 'Everything has Changed' is playing.

The very same song I always play whenever I picked up my guitar and we both sang. Those precious days where we jam through the song and I always smirk at her everytime I sang the second verse. We don't actually know the reason why the song felt good to sing. It's one of the rare songs that could make Cammie sing. So, that's all that matters.