IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Chapter 19- Numb Without You

We both froze perfectly still. The air became thick and unbreathable. The confusion and realization was crushing and unbearable. I felt like passing out.

In the panic, I froze time. Yes, I was tired and in shock, but I needed time to think. I froze the time to gain at least thirty seconds to be alone.

Time was still. Then the words hit me. My thoughts became words in the air in front of me. I read them off aloud:

You barely know Rickey. But he feels like a part of me. I feel like I need him now to breathe. I need his presence to stand up and to function. Shut up Katrina, you are being unreasonable. You hardly know him. And you are only six. You aren't in love. You aren't dying. You just feel the need to have him. But why?

But he can't leave. He knows more. Why? Why does he know so much? Does Zyler teach him? No. Stop thinking about him. Just get rid of the thoughts of him and say goodbye.

A pain shot through me and I realized that I wasn't strong enough to keep time frozen with out Rickey so I gave in and came back to normal time. Rickey looked angry and sad. I felt the same way but I felt so much confusion.

Scared.

I was scared. I felt confused and scared. I felt like if he left, I would die. I would just stop breathing.

But then, before I knew it, guards were restraining Rickey and stopping him from running out the door or hitting his mom. Then, he was gone. I stood still; I didn't move at all. I began to cry as I watched Rickey trying to lunge at his mom.

I could feel his desire to strangle his mother. He was crying and angry.

The world seemed to travel in slow motion and silence filled my head. I could see him saying something through gritted teeth. But the guards pulled him away and out the door.

Still, I didn't move. I just cried and watched.

My mom stood and came to hug me once Rickey's mother left the room. James was still in there but even he couldn't stop my from pushing my mom off and throwing her against the wall when she put her arms around me.

She looked scared and in pain but I felt nothing. My scaredness and confusion fell away and a blank nothing absorbed the emotion. I still couldn't move.

I felt dizzy and sick and thought, Crap, he left and now I will die. I am going to die. Then I hit the floor.

I felt my head smack the tile and bounce. The noise disturbed even me, but the pain was still blocked by the nothingness that filled me. I was conscious and crying and so was my mom. She still sat on the floor where I shoved her.

The next thing I felt were arms under my shoulders pulling me off the ground. I could see the world around me as I was being carried to my room.

The mattress hit my back and felt my eyes slip closed. I was as awake as ever but I was asleep all the same. I couldn't think but no panic filled me because I couldn't feel anything.

Numbness.

The only thing I felt was nothing at all.

So I laid there on my cold mattress, not moving, speaking, or feeling. It seemed like hours but it was only minutes until my eyes slipped close...

"You will be obedient and stop messing around. You are six now but we both know that you are much more mature." I watched as Rickey's mother slapped him as he responded," The minute you stop being a hypocritical bitch, I will start listening to you."

She pushed him over and kicked him hard in the abdomen. Rickey doubled over and curled into a ball. I was five feet from it all, just watching in pure horror. I felt hot tears well in my eyes as she kicked him again.

Then a little girl, presumably Jillian, waddled into the room and ran for Rickey. Next to enter was who I assumed was Margrette. She sprinted in and sat by Rickey. I thought I saw the gleam of tears in her chocolate brown eyes, but instead it was a flicker of anger like a burst of flame as red as her hair.

She stood and punched her mom hard in the nose and then darted back to her wailing sister and whimpering brother.

I felt like screaming and running to him but I had to keep telling myself that it was a dream and that there was nothing that I could do to help him. The thought made me cringe and shiver.

The dream then changed.

My mom was sitting in her car, stalling in the driveway. She rubbed her neck and back, obviously due to the ache of me pushing her. She came to comfort me but her comfort was revulting and unwanted, my only instinct was to push her off, so I did.

She got out and walked up to the front door. She had another house and left this one for Kathy and me so I was shocked when she walked to my front door.

Kathy came running and flung open the wooden door. The screen was there and still closed and just when she was going to pull it open also, she noticed it was our mother.

"No. You don't get to come here and do this. You aren't sorry or else you would have taken your own child out of an experimental project. So leave because you sent her to be treated like a rat without a second thought and I will never forgive you for that and neither will Katrina."

She slammed the door without another word and my mom simply got back in her car and left.

Once she left the driveway, the image faded and the dream changed.

I was watching myself sit alone in a room. I was in normal asylum attire and around the age of nine. James walked in and sat down in a chair by my desk. He leaned back and starred at me.

"You haven't spoken in 298 days. You need to speak or something." I looked up quickly. I walked over to him after hopping off my bed. I pulled the note pad from his shirt pocket as well as the pen.

I wrote: I will talk when I feel like it... Or if you bring me my best friends.

James didn't look surprised as if I had written such a message before. But I was confused. I watched my self stand there and thought, Friends?

But all to quickly the dream was over.

I awoke in a cold sweat. It was around 3:30 am so the room and the hallway outside my door was dark, only faintly lit by the security lights.

I sat up and wiped my forehead. The empty feeling hadn't subsided or dulled. I was almost in a twilight state of consciousness because of the strange feeling. I decided I would ask Xander what the dream meant and why I felt the way I did.

I focused and began to try to speak to Xander. And then my body froze and nausea consumed me as nothing happened. No words appeared. No sounds were made. Nothing.

I panicked and tried again with no avail. I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn't because the empty feeling sucked up the panic and absorbed the fear leaving to previous nothingness in my body. I wanted to vomit and cry and kick and scream but couldn't.

Oh dear God, I thought, Xander is gone. That is the nothingness. Xander is gone!

I still felt nothing even though I wanted to. I wanted to feel scared and panicked. Xander was gone. Rickey was gone. My best friends...

Then it hit me. My best friends, I thought, Xander and Rickey are gone.