IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Chapter 20- The Next Four Years Part 1

***Authors Note***

This part might be confusing but if you have questions.... Keep em' to ya self or ask them in comments or send me a message!!!!

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Chapter 20

I laid in my bed with no emotions, no words to speak, no tears to cry, and no desire to move. Whether it was shock or depression from the lack of my friends, I do not know. All I am aware of is the strange, unreal, emptiness that filled but did not fill the vacancy left from Xander being gone.

I have told you my stories of all my adventures with Xander and my family and the other people around me, but without Xander, there is not much to tell. What I will say is shocking but true.

I shut off for four years, rarely moving, barely talking, never dreaming, hardly crying, and never coming to terms with the situation. It was as if a switch flipped and I shut off.

But I went through 28 therapist and only spoke to four of them. The time spent in those four years might have been painful, but that nothing feeling never went away so I not sure if anything was felt without my knowing. One therapist I saw, told me that my emotions were blinded by grief but that is a whole new story.

I want to tell you some things that happened though. They weren't crazy things like stopping time or felling a spurt of emotion or something really great happening. Those four years were crap and I refuse to sugar coat them.

Somethings happened thought, and then I want to tell you what I said because my statements might change your point of view and might help you understand what I went through.

Here is what happened:

Day after Rickey left and I lost contact with Xander-

I stayed up all night after dreaming those dreams. They kept me up and didn't let me stop thinking. Most of the night, though, wasn't spent thinking but trying to force my self to feel some form of emotion.

I sat upright in my bed until James came in at about eight o'clock. He pushed open my door with a plate of food in hand. I said nothing and didn't even do as much as look up. "Hey Katrina," he said,"Ya feelin' any better?"

I looked up at him but I could tell that he saw my eyes were distant. "Anybody in there?" He joked. I didn't laugh. "Aww.. come on Katrina! There is no way that you can't make some comment..." He walked closer with curiosity plastered on his face.

He got two or three feet from me and then stopped. "Well, I'll be damned..." he whispered. I wanted to but had no reaction. "Your eyes... Katrina... their brown." I desperately searched for some emotion but nothing happened when he made the statement.

"Go look..." he said pointing at the mirror on my wall. I didn't move. He then left and came back with a hand held mirror. Lo and behold, my eyes weren't green, but a dark, cloudy brown. I still didn't feel or react, only sat in utter silence.

That was something big that happened the first year besides...

Day 158 of Rickey leaving and loosing contact with Xander-

I sat in the therapists office. This was therapist number four, a short African- American woman with blond hair. She was wearing to much green eye shadow and over dosed on the red lipstick but wasn't hideous. Her figure was slender but her boobs looked so big that they seemed like they might throw off her balance.

I wanted to say something mean or feel clever for the rude but funny comments that I kept making in my head but nothing could make me open my mouth and nothing could trigger an emotion.

She began asking questions and waiting for answers patiently but she became frustrated after forty five minutes of unanswered questions. Finally she said," I think you need change in your life." She rose from her seat and place her folder and pen on a table by the ugly blue upholstered air chair.

She came over and told me to stand. I did nothing. Then she reached down and tried to lift me but I smacked her away immediately. She sighed and put a hand on her hip. I stood up and looked up at the lady.

She said," Well then, I know just what we can do to change something about you. She led my to another room down the hall. I felt weird because I actually walked down there. Usually I am escorted by a guard or restrained and in a wheel chair. I wasn't one to walk.

She then shut the door to the room but didn't enter. Instead she left me alone in there while she spoke to someone outside the glass double door. I wanted to feel intrigued or interested in what she was speaking about but I couldn't force myself to be at all interested. I truly wanted to emote but that emptiness was so unshakable.

"You know what Katrina, forget what I said. Lets go back to the room." She turned and reached for the handle but I stopped her and shocked her by talking," You wanted me to see a family member or see a friend. Don't get your hopes up because that wont change anything. Now you cant either shut up and take me back to my room so wipe the stupid smile off of your face and get over the fact that you can't help me so make a decision and act on it."

She looked offended and I felt nothing. I thought that I would feel tired of feeling nothing but not even that came. The lady walked out and got my wheel chair. I knew that she thought I was a danger and wasn't fit to be walking freely and that was why she had my wheel chair.

I had only ever freaked once and it was when an orderly tried to put medicine in my mouth and tried to make me eat. I punched the guy really hard and spilled water everywhere, threw the food across the room and left the guy unconscious on the floor.

She wheeled me out after she strapped my arms and legs down with restraints. I was once again silent as we went down the hallway. The therapist handed me over to James who wheeled me back to my room.

That was the first time I spoke since Rickey left. I told some one to admit that I couldn't be helped. See what I mean by it was crap. I was intreatable with I condition that I needed to be treated. Life without my friend was simply hell.