Positive Regard

Chapter One

I'd been avoiding him for the past week. When he came by today, I told him I didn't have time to talk because Granny was sick. It was mostly a lie. She did have a headache and was taking a nap, so it wasn't technically a lie. He'd left, so I thought it'd be okay, but then he came back with flowers and soup.
"Where'd you get soup from?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"What, you think I can't cook?"
"I know you can't cook."
"You're right." He agreed. "Mom made it. Is she okay?"
"Yeah, just a cold."
I wanted to be angry with him. He either made it really easy or really hard, and, of course, the one time I want to be mad he has to go and make it hard.
"Can I come in?" He asked, not moving from just outside the door even when I turned around to go inside.
"No. You have to stay there." I said sarcastically.
"I don't mind waiting. I'll stand out here all night if that's what I have to do to talk to you."
I tried not to sigh too audibly. "Come in, Bucky. Let's talk."
I put the flowers in a vase and put the soup away before joining him in the living room.
"It's been a while." He caught me in his arms as I headed to sit in the chair.
"I know you've been busy." I shrugged.
"Never too busy for my best girl." He kissed my cheek as he pulled his arms off of me. Men really were oblivious to everything.
"I know." I smiled. "I just thought you'd wanna spend time with your parents and Steve before you leave."
"Ever thought I wanna spend time with you?" He smiles. "Can I kiss you? There's no one around to make it improper." He winks.
"About that." I dropped my gaze. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to kiss him, but it wouldn't be fair. "Bucky...."
"What?" His smile dropped.
"I think... I think we shouldn't see each other anymore."
"You... what? Why?"
My eyes burned. I wanted to say something, to try to explain what I didn't even know, but the lump in my throat wouldn't let me. "I'm sorry." I said, starting to cry. "I'm sorry, Bucky."
"Why?" He repeated, pushing his hands down into his pockets.
"I just... I just think we should. I really... I... I love you, Bucky. You're the best man I've ever known. I just... I'm sorry."
He just looked at me. I felt like I was kicking a puppy. "Okay. It's... okay. It's okay, doll. Don't cry." He smiled a forced smile. "I guess I should go. Tell Granny I hope she feels better."
I nodded but didn't talk.
He turned around as he was walking away. "Will I see you tomorrow? Before I leave?"
"Do you want to?" I tried to keep my voice steady and failed.
"I would."
"Then yeah. I'll... come see you off."
He left, and I sat down on the couch, trying not to cry too loudly. I didn't want to wake Granny, but I felt like I was suffocating. I'd just shattered my heart into millions of pieces. I knew I'd hurt Bucky too and that hurt worse than anything. But it had to be done.
Granny's cold hand touched my shoulder and I looked up. I started to apologize for waking her up, but she interrupted me. "Are you crazy?"
"I... what?" I tried to wipe my tears, but they just kept coming.
"What the hell'd you go and do that for?"
"I don't know. I just had to." I stopped trying to dry my tears and settled for sobbing uncontrollably.
"Suck it up." Granny snapped. "That was wrong. Go fix it."
"But Granny—"
"You're a fool, Rosemary." She sat down beside me, wrapping her arms around me. "I know you're scared, honey, but I'm afraid that's not a good enough reason to break it off with him."
"I just... I can't. I can't. If he—"
"If he what? Doesn't come back? Then you're gonna be a whole lot worse off this way than if you were still courting. Go make it up to that boy right this instant. I don't care what you have to do to do that, but you're gonna do it. You don't do that to a man who's about to go overseas fighting for your freedom."
"Granny—"
"You talk shit about these Dear John letters, but this isn't any better."
"But Granny--"
"If you don't go, I will. And no guarantees you'll get him back. He's real easy on the eyes, isn't he?"
I didn't want to laugh, but I did. I was still crying when she ushered me out the door.
I started to go to his house, but thought better of it and headed for Steve's. He wouldn't go home if he was upset, or his mom would worry.
Steve answered the door, but only after I'd knocked twice.
"Is Bucky here?" I asked.
"No." Steve shrugged. "He just left."
"I know he's here."
"He isn't."
"Steven Grant if you don't let me in right—" I cut off when Bucky came into my view.
"It's fine, Steve. Thanks." Bucky came forward and clapped Steve's shoulder. He waited for Steve to retreat to the kitchen before saying anything. "Wanna come in?"
"No. I..."
"You don't have to explain." Bucky shrugged, his face blank. "I get it. It's fine."
"I'm sorry, Bucky. I didn't want to hurt you—"
"No, it's fine. I'm not hurt. It's not like the woman I was gonna marry suddenly decided she didn't love me anymore."
I started crying again. I didn't think I could ever not love him, now that I had. "I was being selfish—"
"It's fine, Rosie. I said I get it. You don't have to explain or apologize or whatever it is you came here for." He shrugged again.
"Does that mean I can't take it back?" I was ugly-crying. I was probably absolutely hideous and I felt hideous. God, I was a selfish bitch. "I'm so sorry. I never should have—I do love you. I shouldn't have done that."
"If it's what you want, it's fine. I want you to be happy."
"It isn't what I want. I want you. But I understand if you're done." I managed to stop crying, only because I didn't want to make it harder for him than it had to be.
He sighed. "No. No, I'm not. Just come here."
I wrapped my arms around him, putting my face in his jacket. "I'm sorry. I love you."
He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. "It's okay, doll. Everything's okay. I love you too."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I do get it. Let's just pretend it never happened, okay? Come on, sugar. I'll do anything for you to stop crying." He kissed my head. "Come inside."
"I can't. I need to go assure Granny everything's okay."
"Phone her. Stay here." He pulled me in and shut the door, putting his hand on my cheek and kissing me. "Please?"
"I can't. It's getting dark and Granny'll worry—"
"As I said, phone her. She knows you're with me. It'll be fine. I'll walk you home later."
"Oh, I know. That's why I'm worried—who's gonna protect you on the way back?" I smiled.
"No worries, dearest. I'll bring Steve. We all know how he loves fights."
Steve stuck his head in the doorway. "I can hear you."
"I know."