Positive Regard

Chapter Thirty Five

Loki sat up all night with me. Pepper came over around two in the morning with coffee and stayed the rest of the night.
Tony came the next morning. "Hey. You okay?" He wrapped his arms around me.
"Did you find Bucky?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"I don't feel comfortable answering this. Can you just wait till Steve calls you?"
"No."
"We found him bloody and surrounded by a bunch of bodies."
"Is it his blood?" I snapped, irritated. It wasn't as if I gave a shit about the bodies. I wanted to know about my husband.
"No. But we gave him a pretty nasty bump on the head so we could get him out of there. You should be grateful it was there and not in your house. They'd've come here if you were here. The whole damn house'd be knocked down."
"What did they want?"
"They wanted the Winter Soldier. And they got him. He's at Cap's, but please don't go over there. He's not awake and I don't think he wants company."
I nodded. "Okay. Thank you."
I waited until they left, then convinced Loki to leave. I did feel better knowing he was safe, but I was going over there anyways.
I opened the door to Steve's apartment and walked in to see Bucky chained up to a pipe under the kitchen sink. He was wearing that black mask on his face and had a bandage tied around his arm. Steve was sitting at the table, his head down.
I came up and touched his shoulder.
He jumped and turned around. When he saw it was me, he put his finger to his lips and stood up, walking into one of the bedrooms.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Why did you come here? Did Stark tell you?"
"No. He just came to get Pepper and said Bucky was safe."
"You shouldn't be here. It's not safe."
There was rattling from the kitchen. Steve told me to stay and walked out, but I'm not a dog so I followed him anyways.
Bucky was hunched up on the floor, his eyes terrified.
"Buck?" Steve asked, holding his arm out to stop us from walking closer.
Bucky nodded. "Yeah." His voice was muffled through the mask.
I pushed Steve's arm down and went to kneel beside Bucky. "Can I?"
He nodded, so I took the mask off his mouth. He was breathing heavy and shrunk away from me.
Steve came over and dropped they keys to the handcuffs into my hand. I released Bucky, and he closed the cabinet but didn't get up off the floor.
"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice hoarse.
"I'm okay." I wasn't okay. I'd just watched Bucky lose his mind and got some guy's brain spattered all over me.
"Are you hurt?"
I shook my head. "No. Are you?"
He shook his head.
"Good." You smile a little. "Good."
"Are you... afraid of me?"
"No."
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes."
"You're all kinds of messed up, doll." He tried for a laugh, but it didn't sound like one. "Damn. I was about to pass a psych eval too. I'm screwed, man."
Steve held out his hand to help Bucky up, but he stood without accepting it, so Steve turned it to my direction. I took it and stood.
"You need anything from me, Buck?" Steve asked.
"Can you check on Rosie?"
"She's right here, Buck."
"I'm leaving."
I touched Bucky's arm with the tips of my fingers. "No, Bucky. Please."
He turned to me, making my hand fall from his arm. "No. Now you've seen it all. And if what you saw doesn't scare you... I've gotta get away from you, Rosie. It's not safe for you."
"Aren't I safer with you?" I tried.
"Didn't you learn anything from last night?"
"I'm not afraid. But if you must leave, come pack a bag first."
He grabbed his gun from the table and said bye to Steve as he walked out.
"You're gonna let him leave?" Steve sounded angry.
"He's not leaving, Stevie." I kissed his cheek and followed Bucky out.
Bucky was leaning against the drivers side of the car, waiting, looking at his feet. I came and stood in front of him. He always drove, usually, and I didn't want to tell him not to, but I really didn't want him driving.
He pulled the gun from his waistband and put it in my hands.
"What's this?" I didn't want it, so I didn't make a move to grab it.
He wrapped my hands around it and opened the door for me and closed it after I got in. He went around to his side and got in, leaning back in the seat.
"Give me your hand." I said.
"Don't touch me." He said quietly, shrinking towards the door.
I left my hand out anyways. After a second, he took it with his right hand and kissed it before putting it back on the wheel. He grabbed the gun I'd put in the cupholder and put it on my lap.
"I don't want this, Bucky."
He didn't say anything, so I put it in the door pocket so he couldn't grab it. He got agitated, though, so I put it back in my lap, and he calmed down a little.
"Do you wanna talk about what happened?" I asked after a second.
"You're hurt."
"I'm not hurt."
He turned his body so he could touch me with his right hand. He put his fingers to my cheek, where the guy had left a bruise when he'd been clamping my mouth shut. I had another one on my arm, but he couldn't see that from there and I wouldn't mention it.
"It's a bruise. I've been hurt worse. Don't worry about it."
"Did I hurt you?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
He sighed. "Next time I tell you to run, you get the hell out of there. Do you hear me, Rosemary?" He was trying to sound angry, but he didn't really succeed.
"I didn't wanna leave you alone."
"I don't give a shit. If you're in danger, get the hell out of there."
I wanted to say something about him putting my life in Loki's hands, but I figured that was a conversation for another day. "Okay." I said.
He nodded and sat back in his seat. "Thank you."
I nodded.
He laughed a little uncomfortably. "Good thing you made me leave, or you would've made me redo the living room."
I copied his laugh. I wasn't uncomfortable, but I didn't feel like laughing. "Oh, yeah."
When we got home, I tried to leave the gun in the car, but he grabbed it and handed it to me.
"If I'm staying here, you have to take this." He said quietly, sounding tired.
"I can't even shoot anything."
"But you can shoot something. I have a holster up in the bedroom. You only have to keep it on you when I'm around."
"I'm not gonna shoot you, Bucky."
"You will if you have to. Promise me. Don't let me hurt you."
"You won't."
"I might. So please. Just keep it on you."
"Fine." I said quietly. "Fine, Bucky."
He went inside, so I followed him. "Bucky? Please tell me what happened."
"I don't want to."
"I don't want to know what happened after I left, I just want to know what happened while I was there." I sat the gun down on the coffee table.
He picked it up and put it in my hands. "They had a recording of one of my handlers saying my trigger words."
"Why did you give that man your gun? Why'd they give you a mask?" His handler? What the hell.
"My handler's supposed to be armed in case I can't be controlled. I always wear a mask. It's like a muzzle."
I put the gun down again. "I'm not your handler. I don't want this."
He picked it up and walked behind me, tucking it into the waist of my skirt. "Better than holding it?"
I nodded, but that wasn't what I'd meant. "Why did they have a recording?"
He shrugged. "Element of surprise, I guess. I'm gonna go to bed. Do you want me to sleep in the guest room?"
"No."
"You watched me kill a man."
It wasn't like that was the first man he killed. But I didn't want to say that. "Self defense." I said instead. I didn't know he'd killed him.
"I crushed his throat and he died in agony." He said, emotionless.
"Bucky. Come on."
"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
"I'm fine, aren't I?"
"That was me killing him. Not the Winter Soldier."
That was nice. "What else were you supposed to do? Let him keep doing it?"
"I could've not killed him." He crossed his arms, visibly shaking.
"Come on. Let's go to bed. Okay?"
"You're coming?"
"Yes. I didn't sleep last night either."
"Why not?"
"I was worried. Come to bed." I took his hand, but he jerked it away, so I kept my hands by my sides. "Come on."
He followed me up to the bedroom.
"Bucky? Change first."
"Yeah. Good call."
"And, uh, maybe you should shower too, sweetie."
"Okay."
I put the gun on the table and sat on the bed, waiting for him. I didn't know how to handle this situation, and yes, I was kind of scared. But I couldn't tell him that. It took him far too long to shower and change. I was about to ask if he was okay, but then he came out and got in on his side of the bed. I moved over to lay beside him.
"Hold me." I said quietly.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't, love."
He turned onto his side and put his arm over me.
"Can I kiss you?"
He shook his head.
I kissed his forehead. "I love you."
"Please don't." He moved his head to my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Everything."
"Don't be, Bucky. It's okay."
"I killed them all."
"Well, they did kind of ask for it."
"I don't care. I still did it."
"It's okay."
He sighed and shook his head. "I was done with that."
"You are."
He nodded. "Yeah. I guess so."
"Sleep well, love."