Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty One

Bucky was going to talk to Fury about the results of his psychological evaluation. He said he wouldn't be long, but he was gone most of the day.
"You think he actually went there?" I asked uncertainly.
"I don't know. I'll track his phone." Steve pulled out his phone from his pocket.
"You can do that? That's so cool."
Before Steve could open his phone, though, the door opened and Bucky walked in. "Honey, I'm home." He called. We'd been watching I Love Lucy, because everyone said it was one of the best shows. It actually was pretty good.
"Hey." Steve said.
"I wasn't honeying you."
"Okay, but I was heying you."
"How was it?" I asked as Bucky kissed my cheek.
"Fine. He asked me if I lied on it so I spent a lot of time trying to convince him I didn't. So, you know, if he calls either of you, make me sound convincing." He was smiling, but his jaw was tight.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He shrugged and went into the bedroom.
I looked at Steve. "Your turn."
"Me? No. When you're married, it's gonna be all you. You should practice."
"Don't care. Your turn."
"That's your room. You handle it."
"It's your house, Steve."
"Your dude."
I shot him a dirty look and followed Bucky. "Buck?"
"What? I'm praying." He sat down on the bed and closed his eyes.
"You're praying?" I raised my eyebrows.
"No. I just want you to go away." He opened his eyes and looked up at me with a smile. "What's up, babe?"
I sat down beside him. "You tell me. What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're angry."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"How do you know?"
"I can sense it."
He looked at me weird. "What?"
I laughed. "No, just kidding. Did I scare you?"
"A little." He smiled.
"So, tell me what's going on."
He shrugged. "Nothing to worry you about, doll."
"Well, I'm worried. Set my mind at ease."
He laid back on the bed. "Nothing. Just, when we were in Siberia, I was a total..."
I waited for him to finish.
"Wimp." He looked at me. "You know?"
"No."
"I didn't do shit. I was there to back Steve up and I just... stood there and stared at the wall."
"Bucky, sweetie, you were standing in the place of your nightmares. Most people wouldn't even have entertained the idea of going for a second."
"So? I was just... frozen. I mean, what the hell?"
"I don't understand."
"I should have done something more. I honestly don't remember anything that happened after we walked inside, other than that video of Howard Stark and you—I didn't even know you could sound like that."
"Like what?"
"So... assertive. When you told Steve to follow him."
"Well, nobody was moving. Something had to be done." I shrugged.
"If I hadn't been half out of my mind, it would've been sexy as hell." He sat back up, smirking.
"Well, I try." I tossed my hair over my shoulder.
He laughed and kissed my forehead. "You were scared too. But you... you know, took control. You got Steve to act. You stopped Stark from losing it. You got me out of there before I lost it."
"I wasn't tortured there for seventy years."
"That's no excuse for freezing. If you freeze in war, you're dead."
"It wasn't war. It was you voluntarily—and stupidly, might I add—putting yourself into a hard, dangerous situation."
"What am I supposed to do? Live my life off fear and never go to Siberia?"
"Sweetie, I'm pretty sure you'll never have a reason to go to Siberia."
"Okay, but still. It's the thought. I wanna go back."
I looked at him like he was crazy, because he was. "What the hell is wrong with you, Bucky?"
"Look, so Fury said he doesn't want me to, but he said that if I can convince you to let me that I can."
"I'm not convinced! This is insane, Bucky. No." I shook my head and stood up. "We're done with this conversation."
He grabbed my hand to stop me from walking out. "It's called exposure therapy, babe. People do it all the time."
"This is different, Bucky. Don't babe me when I'm mad at you." I pulled my hand away.
He grabbed my hand again. "Please, Rosie? I want to go. I'll be going alone so I won't bother you or Steve with it and—"
"No."
"I need to."
"No."
"You don't understand."
"Because it's fucking insane!" I wanted to hit him over the head and hopefully knock some sense into him.
"I have to do it." He pressed calmly.
"No, you really don't. You really fucking don't, you're just being a stubborn, irrational, man. What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to prove it to?"
"To them."
"To who?"
"To HYDRA. That they didn't ruin me. To SHIELD, that I'm capable and stable--"
"You don't have to prove anything, Bucky." I sighed and sat back down. My eyes stung with tears, but I wasn't sure why.
"Yes I do."
I sighed and shook my head. "Bucky."
"Please, Rosie. Let me do this."
"Let you torture yourself." I raised my eyebrows and turned to look at him. "This is stupid, Bucky."
"How am I supposed to take care of you if I can't even walk into a building?"
"A building in Siberia where you were tortured for seventy years, Bucky. You're never going to be going back there, ever. I'm a grown ass woman in the twenty-first century, I don't need to be taken care of. But even then, it still doesn't fucking involve that. No, Bucky. The answer is no."
"Yes." He countered.
"No!"
"Okay, maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can handle shit."
"That's one thing that I can guarantee that you won't have to handle."
"Yeah, that's what I thought and then I did."
"Now there's nothing there to cause anyone to go back."
"It's the principle of the matter."
"What principle, Bucky? You don't want people to see you as weak because visiting a place where you experienced decades of unimaginable trauma makes you anxious?"
"Yes, exactly! You do get it."
"Steve!" I yelled.
Bucky gave me a look, but I ignored it. I told Steve to tell Bucky he was being unreasonable, but Steve heard him out and nodded. What a dick!
"Yeah, I get it." Steve said.
"You guys are... I don't even know what word to use." I shook my head and stood up. "I'm leaving. I'm going to talk to someone who uses logic in their reasoning."
I walked out of the apartment building and called Loki. A couple second later, he came up to me and we went on a walk. Was Loki rational? Yes. But was he sane? Probably not. But at least he wasn't as bad as Bucky was being now.
He took me home at dusk, and Bucky raised his eyebrows. "Oh, so it's irrational for me to want to go to Siberia but it's not irrational for you to walk around with the fucking god of mischief?" He snapped.
"He's more rational than you." I snapped back.
"I'm sensing tension." Loki said casually. "I think I'll go."
I started to tell him to stay—I needed somebody on my side. Before I could open my mouth, though, he'd just disappeared. I hated when he did that. He was a dick too. All men are dicks. I fucking hate men.
"I'm going." Bucky said.
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am. Steve agrees."
I turned my glare onto Steve.
"I'm gonna shower." Steve got up and hurried from the room.
"You aren't going." I shook my head.
"I already made plans."
"Fine. I'm going with you."
"Oh, no you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No, you aren't."
"Then you aren't going."
"Yes, I am."
"Is Steve going?"
"No."
"Then I'm going."
"No. I don't like you being there."
"I don't like you being there!" I wanted to scream. I've never been so frustrated with anybody in my life. "You aren't going alone, Bucky. Somebody has to go with you. I don't care if it's me or Steve or Sam. I don't care if it's Loki. But you aren't going alone."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because I don't trust you there. It isn't good for you."
"I just want to go when you and Steve aren't in danger, Rose. I want to process things, okay? I can't do that if you're there watching."
"Why not?"
"Because whether you like it or not, I'm a typical man. I don't want you of all people seeing me.... you know."
"Would you rather someone else?" I raised my eyebrows. I knew for a fact he wouldn't.
"No. They're supposed to think I'm cold and rough. You're supposed to think I'm strong and stable. You've seen enough to tell you otherwise, and I don't want you seeing any more. Can you understand that?"
My throat felt tight and I didn't want to talk, but I knew I had to. "What am I supposed to do? Sit here knowing that you're putting yourself through hell just to prove something to yourself and wait for you to come back all fucked up? I can't do that, Bucky."
"God. Fine. Just stop crying, okay? You can come. But you have to wait in the plane. And you can't cry. And you have to stop now. Don't cry. Please. Come here." He sighed and held out his arm.
I sat beside him but didn't move into his arms. "I wish you wouldn't do this."
"I'm sorry, baby." He put his arm around the back of the couch since I didn't move into it. "It's just something I have to do. I don't expect you to like it."
"I don't."
After a while he looked over at me. "You still love me, right?"
"My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't." I wiped my eyes.
"I told you that in '34, baby."