Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I fell asleep on the couch with Maverick. I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. For a blissful fraction of a second, I thought that it had all been a nightmare, but Loki's letter was open on the coffee table and I was alone on the couch.
I picked up my phone to see who it was. It wasn't Bucky, so I didn't really feel like answering, but it was Pepper, so I answered. "Hello?"
"Hey. Did I wake you up?"
I looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was ten. "No." I lied. "What's up?"
"Have you watched the news?"
"I watched it for a second last night, but I didn't leave it on long. I kind of freaked out." I laughed a bit. I wanted to go back to sleep.
"Yeah, understandable. Did Steve and Bucky leave?"
"They did. Did Tony?"
"Yeah. My dumbass fiancé jumped onboard with the... whatever it is. He's with a wizard and apparently Peter Parker."
"A wizard?"
"Yeah, I don't know. The world's an insane place."
"Tell me about it." I sighed and put an arm over my eyes. The sun was too bright. I wished someone had taught me how to shoot.
"Do you wanna grab breakfast or lunch or something? We can talk about how our husbands are recklessly trying to make up for their pasts."
I wasn't hungry. I felt like complete shit. I wanted to eat ice cream and stay in bed all day. But I didn't want word getting to Bucky that I was upset. I didn't know if Tony would see Bucky, or if Pepper could talk to him, but I didn't want to risk it. So I laughed. "Yeah, sure. Wanna go to lunch after church?"
"Sure. Can I come with you?"
"Yeah, sure. Do you want me to pick you up?"
"Sure. Thanks."
I hung up and went to get dressed. I didn't feel like going to church. I didn't feel like socializing, even with Pepper. I turned on the news to listen to while I got ready.
They said Tony Stark was missing, and that the 'space ship' had disappeared.
Tony had disappeared.
"Oh my God. The idiot's in space." I said to Maverick.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. What the hell was happening? Alien space ships weren't real.
But then again, neither were Norse gods, and Loki was pretty real.
And Loki was dead.
Steve was gone.
Bucky was gone.
Tony was in fucking space. Had anyone ever even been to space? I know they say they put a man on the moon, but had they really? There's not supposed to be any wind in space. Would Tony even survive? And Peter Parker was with him. He was a kid. Would he survive?
Maverick barked at me, but it only scared me and I panicked more.
I was a therapist. I spent half my time giving people coping skills, and I couldn't even use them myself. I was such a hypocrite.
My phone rang again, and this time it was Bucky. So I used my coping skills and stopped crying.
"Hello?" I said, keeping my voice steady. This was easier in the forties--he couldn't tell when I was crying through letters.
"Hey, baby. How are you?" He asked.
"I'm fine. You?"
"I'm fine. I was just gonna let you know we're in Wakanda."
Why Wakanda? "Bucky?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"What's going on?" My voice cracked. I was terrified.
"It's a long story. It's... not looking good."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't have time to explain now, but I will if I come back."
If? If he came back? I let myself start crying. "Bucky."
"I have to go, okay? I'm sorry. Everything's gonna be okay, baby, okay? Don't worry."
"Is it?"
"I don't know." He said quietly. "I really don't know."
"Are you with Steve?" I wiped my eyes, mascara all over my face.
"Yeah."
"Tell him I love him. Take care of him, okay, Buck?"
"Always, baby doll." He sounded like he was smiling, but he sounded concerned too. "I really need to get going. I love you, Rosemary."
"I love you too, Bucky. Remember the rules this time, okay?"
"I don't think this guy takes prisoners."
"Then you better try real damn hard not to die."
"I will."
"Have you seen Tony?"
"No."
When we hung up, I called Pepper back.
"Hello?" She asked, sounding like she was crying.
"Hey. I don't think I can go to church." I said, crying too.
"Me either. Can I come over?"
"Yeah, come on."
While I waited, I took the dog out, since he probably had to pee pretty bad.
I was making coffee when the doorbell rang, and Pepper came in. "Hello?"
"Kitchen." I answered.
She came in, and I went to hug her, starting to cry again.
"I should've married the neighbor boy my parents wanted me with." She said with a little laugh once we both stopped crying--mostly stopped, at least.
"I should've stayed in the forties."
We sat down with coffee, watching the news, even though they probably wouldn't give anything helpful.
"I'm sure Tony'll be okay." I said after a bit.
"Somehow he always manages to be. But this is a little outside of what normally happens."
"It's a lot outside of what normally happens."
"How are you so well adjusted?" She turned to look at me. "I mean, you went from the forties, to the twenty-first century, and now a space ship landed in New York. You're a lot more calm than most people are."
"Um... I read a lot of history books in my free time. But I'm kind of at a loss with all this."
"Yeah. You aren't alone in that one. Have you talked to Bucky?"
"Yeah. He called this morning to say they're in Wakanda. He didn't say what was happening. He just said he'd explain if he came back."
She turned sharply to look at me. "He said if?"
My throat felt tight. "Yeah. It's always been an if, but he's never..."
"Said if?"
"Yeah. He always said when, even though we both knew it was more of an if. It really wouldn't've killed him to keep lying to make me feel better."
She sighed. "Boys are dumb."
"Tell me about it."
"We were supposed to go out to dinner."
"Yeah, us too."
We sat in silence for a while.
"Loki's dead." I blurted out. I was so relieved to finally have told somebody.
"What? How? When?"
"I don't know." I started crying. "He left me a letter a while ago that I couldn't open unless he was dead or dying."
"Oh, God." She said quietly. She put her coffee mug down and hugged me. "I'm so sorry, Rose. When did you find out?"
"Last night."
"Did you tell Bucky?"
I shook my head. No, I didn't tell him. I had to smile and pretend to be okay so he could leave."
"You should have called me. I'm so sorry."
"I'm so tired of this. All of it."
"I know. Me too."