Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty-Two

I tried quite literally everything in my power to try to get Bucky not to go, but he insisted on it. I cried, I begged, I told him we could have sex before we got married. He said he was going.
A couple weeks before he planned to leave, I told Hattie I'd decided to go with psychology. I wanted to be a therapist and do crisis intervention. I wasn't sure I'd use any if it, but it would have been nice information to have for Siberia.
"Do you know how to fly a plane?" I asked as we got in. Steve was coming too, just in case.
"I do." Bucky said casually, even though he was jittery. "Fury said it's pre-programmed, though."
"When'd you learn to do that?" Steve asked.
"I learned a couple useful things over the years." Bucky answered.
We rode in silence, for the most part. Steve slept some, but Bucky didn't. I was too worried to sleep, anyway.
"I don't think we should have four kids anymore." I said while Steve was sleeping.
"Yeah, me either. Maybe two or three." Bucky said, not looking away from the front window.
"I was thinking one or two."
"How about two?"
"Sounds good."
"I think we should adopt."
I raised my eyebrows. "You do? When I mentioned that you said you wanted to 'pass down our damn good genes.'" I laughed.
"Yeah, but the world was a different place then." He leaned back in his seat, still not looking at me. "It's gone to shit since we were planning life. I don't wanna bring a kid into it."
I nodded. "I agree."
"Are you sure you don't want a wedding?" He looked over at me.
"Unless you want one."
"I just know how much you wanna wear a princess dress." He smiled a bit.
"I was so meant to live in Victorian England."
"You missed that boat by... I don't know how long, but you definitely missed it, and that was the point I was making."
I laughed. "I did."
He turned back to watch where we were going. I looked at him, trying not to look like I was too concerned, but he definitely looked like I should be concerned. I couldn't blame him, though.
"We can still turn around."
"I'm fine." He snapped angrily.
"Okay." I said.
"I'm sorry." He said after a minute.
"I know. It's okay."
He turned to look at me again. "This isn't... It isn't a good life for you, Rosie. I... maybe we shouldn't get married."
"I want to get married. Do me a favor? Don't say that again unless you actually mean it. Okay?"
"I'm never going to mean it. I just to make sure you want it. I don't want you to do it out of pity or because you feel obligated to. I know situations have changed, so I just want to... make sure."
"I want to marry you, Bucky."
He nodded, clearing his throat.
I wanted to ask if he was okay, but I didn't want to tick him off, so I didn't. I just looked at him.
He looked over at me, and held out his hand. I took it, and he tugged on it. He cleared his throat. "Come over here."
I stood up and leaned against his chair.
"No, closer."
I raised my eyebrows. "Closer?"
"Sit down." He tugged on my hand again.
I sat on his lap and put an arm around his neck, playing with his hair. "Do you still want me to wait outside?"
"No. But I'm gonna tell you to."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know yet. Kiss me."
"There are other ways to cope with your pr—"
"I don't want your therapy stuff. I just want you."
I kissed him.
I heard Steve move so I pulled away and looked back there.
"Sorry." He said. "I was gonna let you guys have your moment but then it just got kind of weird for me to just sit there."
"Yeah, it would be." Bucky agreed, wrapping his arms around me when I tried to stand up.
Steve sat down in the copilot's seat. "You should get some sleep, Buck."
"I'm good." He said. "I'm not tired."
"It'll be easier if you sleep."
"I can barely sleep at home, I'm definitely not gonna be able to here. Playing with my hair isn't gonna work, Rosie."
"Then you should cut it." I shrugged.
"I'd have to shave it off to stop you, and honey, I don't look good bald."
Steve looked at him weird. "Have you ever been bald?"
"No. But I don't think I'd look good."
"I think you should keep at least a little hair." I recommended.
"I will. It's one of my many great features."
Steve made an "eh" noise, but I nodded. Bald wasn't my type, anyways. Unless it was Morgan from Criminal Minds. Then it was definitely my type.
I fell asleep there after a while, but woke up when the plane landed. When we got there, Bucky stood in the doorway for a while. After a couple minutes, I started getting cold. Steve went up and touched his arm. "Buck—"
The next thing I knew, Bucky had Steve shoved against the wall.
"Hey. It's okay." Steve said casually, like it happened often.
Bucky jerked away and dropped his arms. He breathed deeply. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Buck. Come on. I'm going inside with you."
"No. No. No, stay. I'm... sorry."
"It's fine, Bucky. Let me come in with you. I'm fine."
"No way, kid." Bucky clapped Steve's shoulder. "You wait with her."
"Bucky." I sighed.
"No."
Steve took a deep breath. "All right. You gonna go in, Buck?"
"Yeah. I am." He nodded and stepped outside.
"Bucky. Wait." I ran out after him.
"Stay inside." He held out a hand.
"Can I have a hug?"
He wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him and pulled his gun out from the holster. I kissed him when I removed my arms to give me time to put it in my waistband.
"I love you, Bucky."
"Love you." He kissed my forehead.
"Can I come with you?"
"Nope." He turned and left.
I went back in the plane with Steve, and he closed the door. I put the gun on a chair. Steve raised his eyebrows, and I put a finger to my lips. We both laughed, but we were both uncomfortable and most likely terrified. I know I was.
We played cards for a little while. Time seemed to go by way too slow.
"Shouldn't he be back by now?" Steve asked irritably.
I looked at my phone. "It's been fifteen minutes."
"I'm going inside." He stood up.
"He doesn't want us in there."
"So? We're supposed to sit out here while he's in there doing God knows what?"
"He doesn't have a weapon. He'll be fine." I grabbed his arm as he started to the door.
"Rosemary, he doesn't need a weapon. He is a weapon."
"He's gonna be fine." I said, even though I wasn't completely sure. "Have some faith."
"It isn't not having faith, Rose. He's... he isn't always in control. Wait out here."
"No, I'm coming."
"No, you aren't. He'll never forgive himself if you get hurt, okay? So, just wait out here. I promise everything'll be okay, all right? Trust me. I can handle him."
"Steven."
"Do you want someone in there or not? This is my turn. Yours is the whole way back."
"Go, Steven."
He left, and I sat back down. I looked out the window and watched the building, waiting for them to come out. I realized Bucky wasn't really doing this to prove anything. He was doing it because he thought he deserved it.
I didn't want to look upset when they came out, so I held my sleeves to my eyes so my face wouldn't get blotchy. I wanted to march my happy little ass inside, but I didn't think that would be a good idea.
They came back forever later. Steve was unharmed, but Bucky had a gash on his forehead.
"Hey. You okay?" I looked back and forth between them.
Steve closed the door and clapped Bucky's shoulder. "Let's get out of here."
Bucky sat down at the back of the plane. I stayed where I was until Bucky asked if I was going to come. I got up and sat down beside him and didn't say anything.
"There's a first aid kid up front. Can I get it?"
"Please don't walk away."
"Can I hug you?"
"Please don't touch me."
"What do you want me to do?"
He shook his head. After a second, he stood up and went to the cockpit. "Steve? Can you stop? I need to get out." He sounded panicked.
Steve landed the plane and Bucky opened the door and stepped outside. Steve and I watched from inside as he leaned over and put his hands on his knees.
"What happened to his head?" I asked quietly.
"Don't know. It was there when I got there. Are you... are you sure you want to get married?"
"Why? Does he not want to?"
"No, he definitely does. I just... want to make sure you're gonna be okay."
"I'll be fine. Thanks." I smiled a little bit. "You should go talk to him."
"No can do. The whole plane ride's your turn."
"But you understand it better."
"You just went through a bunch of training on it."
"But this is Bucky. It's different. Plus that was all just theory."
"Too bad. You bought it."
I sighed and walked out into the cold. "Bucky?"
He stood up straight. "I'm sorry. I just can't breathe in there."
"I'm sorry, love, but we have to get home some how."
"I know."
"Come back in. We'll talk." I offered my hand.
He took it and let me pull him inside. Steve shut the door and went back up front while Bucky and I sat back down.
"Can I get the first aid kit now?"
He nodded.
I went to get it and came back. He flinched when I touched his face but didn't move anymore. "Are you satisfied?" I asked softly.
"Can I have my gun back?"
"It's up with Steve."
"All right."
"What do you want me to do, Bucky?" I asked softly as I closed the first aid kit.
"Kiss me."
"Besides that." I said, but kissed him.
"Hug me."
I wrapped my arms around him. "Anything else?"
"Tell me you love me."
"I love you, Bucky. I'm proud of you."