Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty

"Sergeant Barnes?" A woman asked as she came into the room we were waiting in. Her eyes landed on Bucky and she smiled. "Good morning! How are you?"
"Good, how are you?" Bucky stood up to shake her hand.
She smiled. "I'm good, thanks. You ready to have a little chat?"
"No offense, sweetheart, but I don't need a therapist."
"I'm not saying you do."
"I am." Nick Fury's voice came from behind us. "If you wanna work for me, you have to have a psych evaluation."
"I didn't know I was working for you." Bucky turned to shake his hand.
"You said you wanna do something useful. I can make that happen—if you pass. Either way, I think you'll be doing better once you're put back to work."
"I'm doing just fine, Director."
"Dr. Vince will be the judge of that."
"Come with me, Sergeant." The therapist smiled.
"Can she come?" He pointed at me.
"No."
"Can he come?" He pointed to Steve.
"Definitely not. Come on."
They disappeared into a room.
"Captain Rogers, we need to have a word." The director said.
"Yes sir?"
"In private, please."
"Rosie'll know everything anyway."
"A word, please, Captain."
"You okay here?" Steve asked me as he stood.
"Yeah."
"Dr. Hicks should be out in a moment. She's on a call right now, but it should be finished in a couple minutes." The director told me as he led Steve away.
A couple minutes later, a black woman came out of a door and smiled at me. "Rosemary?" She asked.
Civil rights have come a hell of a long way. And women's rights. Maybe the world hadn't gone to complete shit since the forties. I guess some good did happen.
I stood and smiled. "Yes."
She held out her hand. "I'm Hattie Hicks."
"Nice to meet you." I shook it with a smile. "Am I supposed to, like, lay down or something?"
She laughed. "No. We aren't very Freudian."
"That's probably for the best."
"Definitely. Come on in."
We talked for a while about nothing in particular, even though I was sure she had a reason for asking everything she asked.
"How's Bucky handling everything?" She asked.
"Are you gonna ask how that makes me feel?"
"No."
So I told her the truth. "I don't know. Sometimes he's perfectly fine but others he's kind of.... not. He doesn't sleep much, and when he does he's really restless and he wakes up more tired than he was the day before. He drinks more than he used to, but I'm not sure if that's just because he's, you know... enhanced, I guess. I don't think he's as okay as he wants us to think he is. He's..." I didn't know how to word it, so I paused for what felt like a long time. I knew I looked like an idiot, but she didn't say anything, just waited. "He's so full of anger and hatred and self-loathing. It breaks my heart, but he doesn't want me to say anything and he doesn't want me to not say anything. Sometimes he's so cold he's... scary. You know?" So I told her how I felt without her asking. I didn't like it.
She nodded and waited for me to continue, but I was done.
"You still want to marry him, though?" She asked.
"Of course."
"Even though you're scared of him?" Her face was blank, but I was sure she was judging me.
"I'm not scared of him. I'm just..."
"Scared?"
"Yeah." I nodded and decided to tell her about Siberia. "He and Steve went to Siberia—where he was those seventy years—and wouldn't let me come. I made someone else take me. I tried to get him to wait outside, but he's a stubborn little shit and went anyways just because Steve asked him to and they had to find someone or something. I didn't really know what was going on, but."
"He went?" She raised her eyebrows, looking shocked. "Damn. Your man's hardcore."
"Oh, yeah." I agreed with a laugh. "That's one word. Another is stupidly loyal and idiotically stubborn, but hardcore works. Could I ask your opinion?"
"Of course."
"He's always saying he needs to confess or admit things before I 'commit' but I don't think he needs to. It's not like it'll change anything."
"It could."
"I don't think so. I know he did a lot of bad, but it wasn't... him."
"Don't you wanna know?"
"Oh, definitely. The curiosity's killing me. But I...."
"You what?"
"I'm scared that it'll be... that it'll change things. I mean, I know kind of what happened, but not details, and I know he remembers every detail. I don't want to know every detail."
"Yeah, that makes sense. It'll probably set his mind at ease if he, as he says, confesses. But I think it'll set yours at ease too. Sometimes talking about things is the best medicine, so it could help him."
We talked for a little bit longer before she asked if I wanted coffee. We walked down to a cafe down the street.
"So, do you have any idea what you wanna do?" Hattie asked as we sat down with coffee.
"Not the slightest."
"Given your unique circumstances, SHIELD will be allowing you access to CIA level training."
I raised my eyebrows. "Like Lee Harvey Oswald?"
"Isn't that classified?"
"I've had a lot of time to read." I laughed.
"Captain Rogers said he thinks you'd be good at something in the psychology field."
"Yeah, I don't know. I have enough of other people's emotions to deal with at home." I smiled, but I was serious.
"It's easier to deal with strangers." She smiled.
"Is crisis intervention fun?" I asked.
"You'll have to define fun."
"Interesting."
"It's quite interesting."
After a while, my phone rang. Hattie said she was going to the bathroom, so I picked it up. The little swipe-y arrow that said "Swipe to Answer" was pretty useful to someone who could barely work a typewriter.
"Rose?" Steve asked, sounding angry.
"Hey. What's wrong?"
"Where the hell are you?"
"At this cafe with Hattie. Why? What's wrong?"
"Who's Hattie? I'm coming to get you and we're leaving."
"Why?"
"Nothing. I'll be there in a minute—"
"No, Steven. You can come, but I'm not leaving."
"We're leaving."
"I'm not. I'll get my own way home."
"No, you won't."
"Oh, yes I will. You aren't my boss. What did you and Nick talk about?"
"You."
"Me? What about me?"
"Nothing. I'll be there in a bit. I have to go get Bucky. Apparently he wants to be civil, now."
I was just hanging up when Hattie came back and sat down.
"Steve called and said we're leaving in a bit." I said, trying not to sound irritated or concerned.
She handed me a business card. "All right. Well, call me when you get a chance and we can set up appointments, at least until you figure something out."
I took it and put it in my wallet. "Thank you. I'll pray about it—do people still say that?"
"Some." She smiled.
"Good. So I'll pray about it and I'll let you know."
"Good." She smiled. "I can get you an aptitude test if you'd like, but I'm not the biggest fan of those."
"I think I'm fine. I have some ideas."
"I hear you like politics?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if that was just because my dad disapproved or something." I smiled. "Steve said politics is the worst these days, though."
"I can't pretend to disagree. It's full of corruption."
Bucky came in a couple minutes later. "Hey, doll. You ready?"
"Yeah, I guess." I stood up. "Buck, this is Hattie." I gestured.
Bucky smiled his irresistible, charming smile. "Hey, there. I'm Bucky."
She stood and shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you."
Bucky held the door open for both of us, then opened the front door of the car for me. Steve sat in the back seat, looking livid.
"What happened?" I asked quietly.
He shook his head and nudged me towards the car.
"SHIELD knew about you the whole time." Steve said coldly as Bucky started driving. "They found you in '53 and kept you on ice in case they needed help with me or Bucky, since neither of us were guaranteed to be dead."
"What's that have to do with me?" I asked, turning around to look at him.
"They thought you could come in handy. When they realized you weren't dead, they thought the same could happen to us—"
"Wait, how the hell am I not dead?"
"No clue. Most of HYDRA's labs and paperwork have been destroyed."
"Why are you angry, sweetie?"
"Because that's wrong! And they should have told me—"
"You didn't tell Tony about his parents."
"I don't want a lecture right now, Rose."
"Would you want to be a stranger, dealing with two supersoldiers who just woke up in a completely different time period?"
"Who would?"
"Exactly."
"Neither would you." He pointed out.
"I think it was logical." I said, even though I really wasn't sure. How would you even keep someone "on ice"? How did that even work? Bucky and Steve kind of made sense. They were genetically enhanced. I wasn't.
Right?
"Logical? It's cruel and unusual and—"
"Steve--"
"That's unconstitutional--"
"Does it matter, Steve?" I asked gently. "Yes. They screwed up your life. If they'd woken you when they found you, you could've had a relatively normal life—"
"All alone. Now I'm here with you and Bucky. I'm happy with how things turned out. Okay?"
He sighed. "Okay, Rosie. All right."