Positive Regard

Chapter Thirty-One

Bucky was sleeping fine. He was acting fine--he was acting good, actually. Really good. And it worried me. Sudden changes in behavior are warning signs. I didn't really want to question it, though. Eventually, he'd get irritated.
"Where are you going?" He asked when I was getting out of bed in the morning.
"Work."
"Blow it off." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back into bed.
"I can't."
"Please."
"No, Buck. Let me up."
He sighed and let me go. "Fine. But I'm going back to sleep."
"Okay."
Usually he was up way before me. But he hadn't slept this much in a really long time.
"Have a good day." He mumbled from the bed.
"You too."
I got to the office at ten, but I didn't have a client until 10:30, so I went to sit in Kat's office. She looked up from the book she was reading and smiled. "Hey, Rosie. Been a while."
"It's been four days."
"As I said, a while. How's Bucky doing?"
"Since you asked, can I ask your opinion?"
"Oh, here I go again, getting myself involved in other people's business. Ask away."
I sat in the chair where her clients usually sit and told her about my concerns.
"Well, isn't this the first time he's been the one making decisions about killing people in, like, seventy years?"
"Yeah, true. And Steve said they weren't 'people,' they were 'weird ugly things,' so I guess that's probably different too. Okay. I feel better. Thank you. You're great."
She smiled. "Hey, any time."
There was a knock on the door and I turned around to see Bridget. I smiled and stood. "Hey. You ready?"
"Yeah."
We went into my office, and she mostly bitched about her mom giving her a curfew.
My last clients were at six that night. They were adorable, and I liked them. They were brothers, ages six and ten. They really only came in whenever they needed to, and according to their grandmother, they'd be fighting a lot lately.
The six year old smiled widely when he came in. "Hey, Mrs. Rosie! I'm changing my name." He said casually.
"Really? What to?"
"Tiger."
"Well, that's an interesting choice. Can I ask why you're changing it?"
"Because," he said, like it was obvious, "Isaiah's dumb."
"Well, who told you that?"
"Billy." He pointed at his brother.
"What made you say that, Billy?" I asked as we sat on the floor around a footstool in the group room.
Billy shrugged.
"Are we not talking today?"
He shook his head.
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't w--" He put his hand over his mouth when he realized he was talking. "Dang it." He sighed.
A couple minutes later, they were yelling at each other and fighting over a Jenga block.
"Hey, now. Inside voices." I said.
"Do you have a brother?" Billy asked me.
"I do."
"Then why are you making me play with him? Brothers are the worst."
Isaiah was really mad. "But your brother was a good brother, unlike mine."
"Why are you upset with Billy?"
"Because he doesn't wanna play with me." Isaiah said, starting to cry.
"Why don't you wanna play with him?" I asked Billy.
"Because he's a dumb kid. And he cries all the time like a baby."
"I do not!"
"That's not very nice, Billy. You shouldn't say that."
"Was your brother a dumb kid?"
"No, he was older than me. I was the dumb kid."
"Did he still play with you?" Isaiah asked.
"Yeah, he did. I followed him and his friends around all the time."
"Can I see him?"
"I don't have a picture."
"Can you bring one next time?"
"I'll see what I can do." I smiled, but I didn't actually have a picture of him.
"Does he live here?" Billy asked.
"He used to. He's dead now."
Isaiah turned to his brother. "Can we be friends again?"
"As long as you don't hug me."
Isaiah hugged him anyways.
When I came home, Bucky was making dinner and feeding Maverick carrots from the counter.
"Hey." I said, coming into the kitchen. Bucky turned to me with a smile. "Hey, doll. How was your day?"
"Good. Yours?"
"Good. I read a whole book today."
I smiled. "I'm jealous. How was it?"
"Good. It was about some spy or something that kicks ass. You know what we should watch? James Bond."
"I wouldn't object to that. Need help?"
"Nope."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. You can do the dishes, though."
"I can do that." I smiled and leaned against the counter by the stove.
"You look tired." He said when he glanced at me.
"Oh, I am."
"We should go on vacation."
"To where?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Maine. Florida. California. England. France. New York City."
"We live in Brooklyn."
"Yeah but we never go to New York City."
"Are you saying you'd rather go there than Germany?"
"Germany wasn't on the list of options, doll."
"Well, I'm all for going to New York City. Maine maybe. Florida possibly. California no. England and France would be nice, but in case you haven't noticed, we're broke."
He shrugged. "So? It'd be worth it."
"Yeah, no."
"Why not California?"
"Because California's insane."
"I'll give you that one. So Maine, Florida, or NYC."
"We could go to D.C. and go to museums and historical--"
"No."
"Maine, Florida, or New York City it is." I laughed.
"I vote Maine."
"I vote Florida."
We looked at each other for a second.
He sighed. "Fine. Florida. Let's go tonight."
I raised my eyebrows.
"You picked the location, I get to pick the date. Get out plates."
I went to get bowls instead. "We aren't going tonight."
"Please?"
"No."
"What are you running from?" I sat the plates down by the stove and got out forks.
"Nothing."
"You have to to go SHIELD tomorrow, don't you?"
"Maybe."
"Bucky, honey--"
"I'm not running from anything. I just don't wanna go." He put fried rice in a bowl and shoved it into my hands. "Let's eat and not talk."
I took the plate and went to sit at the table. He joined me a couple second later, not talking.
"Bucky--"
"I thought we agreed not to talk." He sighed.
"You did. I didn't."
He didn't say anything, just shoveled food into his mouth.
"Just take another psych eval before you have to do any more therapy." I suggested.
He laughed. "Yeah, right. Because Fury would buy that."
I shrugged.
"You know what? I'm not hungry. Let's go to bed."
"I'm hungry. I didn't eat lunch."
"Why not?"
I shrugged. "Busy. Hey, you know that picture of you, Steve and Matt outside of Steve's church that one Easter?"
"Yeah."
"You still have it?"
"Somewhere."
"Can I have it?"
"Um, sure. I guess. Why?"
"I need to show it to some kids."
"All right. I'll find it for you."
"Thanks. And speaking of church, you need to start coming with me." I hadn't brought it up in a while, so it was time for me to start nagging again.
"First off, we weren't speaking of church. Second, I told you I will when we have kids."
"Well, that's not happening for a while, so you oughta start now."
"It isn't?"
"No. No offense, babe, but you're kind of unstable."
"You win that too." He agreed.
"So you can come next Sunday."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
He sat down his fork and looked at me seriously. "Look, babe, when I was in Nazi Germany, God and I had a long heart-to-heart. We're good. I'm only going when we have kids to set a good example."
"You're coming."
"Do you want the place to blow up?"
"Why the hell would it blow up?"
"News flash, doll: I'm a sinner."
I rolled my eyes. "News flash, sweetie: We're all sinners."
"News flash: Most people weren't ruthless assassins."
"That's a special circumstance, Buchanan."
"I'm not going, Rosie. Okay? I can't. I'll do the dishes." He picked up our bowls and went into the kitchen.
I followed him, even though I knew he didn't want me to.
"Remember my cousin the whore?" I asked.
"How could I forget?" He smirked.
I hit his arm. "Don't make that face! Did you--"
"No. I have standards, babe." He laughed.
I raised my eyebrows. "Excuse me?"
"Not that she wasn't great." He said quickly. "I just meant that I have policies against sleeping with whores. No offense to your cousin, who just so happens to be a whore."
I laughed. "No, she was kind of a bitch too. It's just fun to watch you squirm."
"Maybe you're the bitch and your cousin was all right." He said thoughtfully.
"Are you calling me only all right?"
"No!" He said quickly. "No, you're amazing. Can I please stop talking now?"
I laughed. "No, I am a bitch."
"No, you're the nicest."
"Only compared to my cousin."
"Your cousin wouldn't've waited eighty years to sleep with me."
"My cousin wouldn't've waited eighty seconds."
He zipped his lips. "I'm already in a hole."
"Anyways," I said, jumping up onto the counter. "Remember when she got married--"
"Didn't she still sleep around?"
"Yeah, not the point, though."
"Then continue."
"Remember how her mom made her have a church wedding and I was genuinely concerned that the building would spontaneously combust?"
"I recall."
"And it didn't blow up."
"Prostitution's kind of different than murder."
"All sins are the same in God's eyes. Do you want me to do the dishes?" He was almost done, but I hadn't thought to ask before then. I'd been too busy talking about my whore cousin, I guess.
"No, I got it. It makes it to where I don't have to look at you."
"You should treasure looking at me. I'm gorgeous."
He laughed. "Yes you are, love. And I do treasure looking at you, just not when we're talking about stuff I don't wanna talk about or when I'm telling you no. We both know how that turns out."
"I'm just saying, Bucky. The church isn't going to explode just because you step inside."
"Maybe not explode, but I doubt it can be a good result."
I sighed. "Bucky. That's not how it works."
"It should be."
"So are you saying you'd rather let the building explode when we have a child with us?"
"No. That's not what I'm saying at all." He finished the dishes and dried his hands.
I grabbed his hands so he couldn't walk away. "Just come, Bucky."
He sighed. "I don't want to go, babe. I don't... I don't know how to explain it."
"See, Bucky, this is why you do the same thing at SHIELD every day."
"Well, I'm tired of it. And I'm not going to church and when I'm... no, okay? Just accept it, Rose. Because I'm not going. I can't."
I sighed. "I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself."
He kissed me and slid me off the counter. "I'm fine. Stop worrying."
"Feeling guilty won't change anything, Bucky. You can't live your life like this. You'll never be happy. What happened happened, and it can't be changed, no matter how you feel about it."
"I know that. Let's watch Star Wars."
"Bucky."
"It won't be Rogue One."
"Bucky."
"We can watch the one when Anakin's grown up but before Padme dies."
"Fine."