Positive Regard

Chapter Nine

The next day, Tony called Steve and they had a rushed conversation.
"Come on, Rose. You're going home." Steve said briskly. "Now."
"What? Why?"
"Because the UN building was bombed."
"So?"
He looked at Bucky. "And they think you did it."
Bucky stood up quickly from where he was leaning against the wall. "Get out of here, Rose."
"No."
"No. Now." He shoved my purse into my hands. He was speaking assertively for the first time since I'd seen him. "People are gonna be here any minute."
"And they aren't gonna wanna take any of us alive." Steve said, pushing me towards the door. "So you need to get out of here."
"What about you guys?"
"I'm a trained assassin, doll." Bucky said with a little smile that was almost similar to his old one.
"I'm a trained..." Steve began. "I'm trained." He finished. "Now get out of here. Go tell Sam to take you to the airport."
"No."
Steve walked out the front door.
"That was shockingly easy." I said.
"You're leaving, Rose." Bucky said. He put his hands on my face and kissed me for what felt like a long time but probably wasn't that long. "Just... forget about me, okay? I love you. I wish you a long, happy, prosperous life. Please be safe, Rosie." He kissed me again. "Shit. I'm sorry, baby. I'm really fucking sorry."
"You be safe." I said, since I knew they wouldn't let me stay.
Someone picked me up from behind and started dragging me out, even when I kicked and protested.
"Steve, you look like a doll in your Captain America costume!" I yelled as Sam dragged me out.
Sam laughed. "That was a good one."
"Thank you." I said.
He put me down, but kept his arm around me as we went to the car, probably thinking I'd try to go back. I wanted to, but I wouldn't. I'd promised Steve I would listen to him. But Bucky had sounded genuinely concerned, and I didn't want to make it worse.
"Stark has a plane ready for you." Sam said as we drove.
"Where am I going?"
"New York. Pepper's there if you need anything. She'll be picking you up from the airport there."
I didn't want to inconvenience all of them. "I can take a taxi."
"Steve doesn't want you to. Pepper doesn't mind. Without Stark there, her plate's next to empty."
"What's gonna happen?"
"I don't know, but Cap wants you out of here. Hey, I have a question about him."
"Why don't you ask him?"
"Because he'll lie. Duh."
"What if I lie?" I raised my eyebrows.
"I don't think you will."
"What's your question?"
"Is he a ninety-year-old virgin?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I laughed, even though I was pretty worried.
"We're curious." He shrugged.
"No, he's not."
"Really?"
"Really. But that's all I know. It's not like I wanted to talk to him about his sex life." I smiled.
"Then how do you know?"
"Bucky burst into my house and yelled that Steve lost his virginity and my grandmother threw a spoon at him."
He laughed like I was joking, but I wasn't. He came at the time when Granny was usually out, so he'd probably expected her not to be there. I'd never seen her look so appalled. She made Steve go to Confession.
"Stark's gonna fly with you. He has to get a suit."
"Why?"
He didn't answer.
"Why?"
"To capture Bucky. And probably Steve. And probably me. But don't worry. He's Tony, he won't hurt them."
I sighed and sat back in the seat. Life was so much easier in the forties.
I waited at the airport for a pretty long time. Nobody had told me what plane to get, just to meet Tony, and Tony wasn't there. A couple hours later, he met me outside the gate to the plane.
"Your boyfriend's crazy." He said, looking exhausted and relatively beat up.
"Did he do that?" My eyes widened.
"Yes. I was wearing new shoes too. Anyways. I have to go home and get a new suit. How'd it go when you met him, by the way?" He asked.
"Fine. The Winter Soldier killed JFK, in case you were curious." I smiled a little and stood up.
"Wow. So it wasn't the government. Who'd've thunk it? Anyways, you ready?"
"Is the plane here?"
"It's my plane. It's wherever I want it. Let's go, shall we? Do you have a bag?"
"No, I left it in the car."
"Then let's go."
A couple minutes after the plane took off, Tony reached into his pocket and handed me a piece of paper. "This is from Bucky. I was told not to give it to you until we were in the air."
I sighed and took it. "I'm gonna kick his ass. And Steve's."
"Whoa, now. You haven't even read the letter yet."
"Don't care. I'm already pissed."
"Language."
I opened the letter.
I know you're mad. But don't be. I don't know how this is gonna go, but if they're smart, they'll kill me while they have the chance. But please, darling, if that does happen, don't be upset. I loathe what I've done and what I'll do. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I'm afraid to sleep. It's like I'm living everything all over again, and I don't want the neighbors to hear. My dreams are haunted by my past and my days are wrought with anger and fear and despair and utter loathing. I see their eyes and hear their screams and I'm tired, Rosie. I'm so tired. So please, if I die, think of it as mercy.
And if I don't, I won't come back. You were the first thing I remembered since they took me. I love you more than anything. But I can't come back. I'm so sorry to do this. But it's better for you. You're so kind and pure and gentle, and I can't let you be around me. Either way, I don't deserve you anymore. I'm a monster, and you're a saint. Say a prayer for me, sugar.
I know I tasked Steve with taking care of you, but I want to task you with taking care of him. Whatever happens won't be his fault, but we both know he'll think it is.
I'm so sorry I've hurt you both this way.
Please forgive me, my love. For everything.
I want you to be happy, Rosie. So move on. Do whatever you need to do.
Love always,
Bucky

I was crying, but Tony didn't say anything until I folded the paper back up.
"Please don't cry." He said. "What can I do to fix it? I'll do anything."
"Can I come with you when you go back?"
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because Steve said no."
"So?"
"So, you're sweet and innocent and everybody wants to protect you. So you're staying."
I sighed. "Tony, please."
"I can't."
"It'll piss Steve off." I tried.
"I don't wanna piss Steve off. I want everything fixed. And if I bring you, everything's gonna go to hell."
"I can talk sense into Steve." I prompted.
"I'm a businessman. I talk sense into people all the time."
I sat back in the seat and wiped my eyes, trying not to look sweet and innocent or like I needed protecting. "Please Tony."
"No."
"I don't need protecting."
"Yes you do."
"When my family died, my mother's decapitated head fell into my lap. I sat there with my brother while he died. I went to hospitals and sat with dying soldiers. I don't need protecting from a fight."
"Why the hell would you spend your time with dying people?"
"Heroes shouldn't die alone."
"Do you know how to shoot?" He sighed after a minute, sounding exasperated.
"No."
"Ever held a gun?"
"Yeah."
"Too bad. Still not coming."
"But Tony--"
"No."
"Fine."
I was still crying, so I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep until I stopped. Eventually, though, I did fall asleep.
When I woke up, we still had three hours left on the flight.
It was gonna make me cry again, but I was gonna do it anyways. Somebody had to tell him. It should have been Steve.
"Tony?" I said, sitting up.
He looked up from his phone. "I'm sorry, Rose. I can't let you go."
"No, I get it. It's fine. I just... I really need to tell you something."
He put his phone down. "I'm listening."
"What happened to your parents, again?"
"Car accident. My money's on my dad being wasted."
"It wasn't your dad's fault."
"What?"
"The Winter Soldier killed them. I... I don't know why or how, but your dad was one of his missions."
"Your boyfriend killed my mother?"
"Yes. I... I'm sorry. I just... thought you should know."
"How do you know this?"
"Steve told me when I first woke up, and Bucky mentioned it yesterday."
"Steve knew?" He was pretty calm for learning that his parents were murdered.
"Yeah. He thought he was doing the right thing by not telling you, but I... thought you'd want to know. I'm sorry."
"Thank you for telling me. I appreciate someone being honest with me."
"Please don't be upset with Steve. He thought he was doing what's right."
"He always does." Tony leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.
When he opened his eyes again, I handed him the letter. "Read it."
"You want me to read your X rated letter?"
I knew what that meant now, so at least I knew how to answer. "No—I mean, yes I want you to read it. But it's G."
Bucky wouldn't be happy I let anybody else read it. He thought of himself as a manly man, without negative emotions, and he wanted other people to think that too. But I needed Tony to see that Bucky wasn't just a cold-blooded killer. If I learned somebody I was about to go track down had murdered my parents, I would want to kill them. And I didn't want Tony killing Bucky.
"Please." I said.
He took it and opened it up.