Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I had Fridays off, so that made it a perfect time for a puppy to show up--not a puppy, really. It was a dog--a big dog. It didn't have a collar, so that meant I could keep it, right? Bucky was at SHIELD, so he couldn't say no. Granted, he'd told me just a couple days ago not to pick up anymore strays, but I'd elect to ignore that. I put the dog in the car and took it to the vet, just in case.
I brought him home with me and named him Maverick, like from that movie with that short Scientologist actor in it. He followed me around the house all day while I cleaned. I put him in the backyard--somebody had fenced it in over the years--when it was about time for Bucky to get home. I tried to, at least. He looked at me with sad little puppy eyes, though, so I let him back in and just put him in the back bedroom when I heard Bucky pull up to the house.
I went to meet him at the door. "Hey, love. How was your day?" I smiled sweetly and kissed his cheek.
He sighed and looked at me skeptically. He looked exhausted. "What do you want? What'd you do?"
"Nothing." I smiled. "How was your day?"
"Long. Tell me what's going on." He wrapped his arms around me. He looked like he'd had a long day. He didn't tell me what he'd been doing, but Steve said he was doing therapy almost every day. I assumed they were having him repeat everything that had happened since the forties.
"You know how you've been wanting a dog?" I asked.
"You mean how you've been wanting a dog and I keep saying no?" He smiled and kissed my cheek. "I'm gonna take a nap, if that's okay with you?"
"Yeah, of course. But first..."
Maverick whined from the back bedroom and Bucky's eyes shot open. "What the hell was that?"
I smiled brightly. "Surprise!"
"You didn't."
I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the room. "He just showed up. What else could I do?"
"How about, oh, I don't know--not keep it?"
"But Bucky, he's so cute."
"I'm cute, and you've wanted to get rid of me several times."
"Okay, but this is a sweet, cuddly puppy."
"I'm sweet and cuddly."
"Okay, but this is a puppy." I opened the door and Maverick came running out, wagging his tale so much that it hit the door frame. When he jumped on Bucky, his paws came to the middle of his chest.
Bucky glowered at me.
I smiled sweetly. "His name's Maverick."
"This isn't a puppy."
"Okay, but he's still cute."
He tried to keep a straight face, but he ended up smiling. "Fine. Fine." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Damn it." He said quietly before dropping his hand and petting the dog. "Okay, yeah. All right. Don't lick my face. Get down."
The dog got down and looked at him, whining. His tail banged against the table, making dull thuds.
"Did you already get dog food?" He asked, reaching down and scratching the dog's ears.
I nodded. "I knew you'd say yes eventually." I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek. "Go sleep."
"How am I supposed to sleep when we just got a puppy?" He sat down on the floor to pet the dog.
"You could start painting the bathroom." I suggested as I got out a pan to start dinner.
Bucky looked up at me from the floor. "Now?"
"It needs to be done, and you said you'd do it when we first moved in."
"I meant in a day when I have free time."
"You're sitting on the floor, Buchanan." I tried not to sound irritated.
"I'll do it tomorrow, babe."
"That's what you said last weekend. And the week before. And the--"
"I get it, Rose. Chill out. I said I'll do it tomorrow."
"I don't mind doing it, Bucky. I just want it done. I'll do it; you just said you would."
"And I will. I'll do it tomorrow, all right?"
"Okay." I shrugged, putting a pot down a little too hard on the stove. I didn't like to be angry with him. "You should take a nap. I invited Tony and Pepper over for dinner."
He looked up at me, his hand coming to a stop on Maverick's fur. "Really?"
"Really."
"Can I go to Steve's?"
"No, Buck. You can't."
"Please." He said, so quietly that I barely heard him.
I turned away from the stove to look at him. "I know you've had a long day, Bucky, but you have previous engagements. I called and texted."
"I left my phone here."
I sighed. "Why?"
"I didn't want to have a crutch."
"What do you mean?"
"I always call you when I'm done." He stood up from the floor. "But I don't need something to make me feel better."
"Why?"
"I deserve to be miserable. I know that's not the answer you want, but that's how it is, Rosie. Besides, I have to learn to deal with it. So I left it so I couldn't call you. Happy with that explanation?" His voice was rough by the time he finished.
"You don't have to explain to me why you left your phone--you don't have to explain anything to me. Hand me that spoon, please. Beside the sink."
"Yes I do." He handed me the big black spoon and leaned against the counter between the stove and the double ovens. "Yes, I do. You insist on sticking with me, you have a right to hold me accountable."
"If that's how you feel." I shrugged. I wanted to tell him all he had to explain himself for was not painting the damn bathroom, but this didn't seem like the right time.
He stood there for a while, just watching me. I didn't want to look him in the eye, so I just glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He stood perfectly still, only following me with his eyes. His arms were crossed tightly, and he looked calm, but his eyes were panicked. He didn't speak. I was about to ask him to start washing dishes, but then he started talking, so I kept my mouth closed.
"I spent all day describing how I killed Howard and his wife, Rosie. How the hell am I supposed to look at their son?" He picked up the bags of rice I had sitting on the counter and put them in the pot of boiling water.
I sighed and turned to look at him. "I can't let you get out of seeing him, sweetie. Avoidance breeds avoidance."
"It's not all for me, doll. Do you really think he wants to sit down to dinner with the asshole who killed his dad?"
"He wouldn't come if he didn't want to, Bucky."
"Did you ask him or Pepper?"
"Him."
"Rosie, I can't." His voice cracked. "Please." He uncrossed his arms and gripped the edges of the counter. "Rosie."
"Hey." I said calmly, taking his hands and prying them away from the granite. "Bucky. You're okay. Deep breaths. Okay?"
"Stop." He said, breathing quickly. "Stop that. I'm so tired of that."
"Tired of what?"
"Of people telling me to breathe." He jerked his hands from mine and raked them through his stair. He still hadn't cut it, and he still hadn't shaved. I really wished he would. "Okay? Stop."
"Okay." I nodded. I tried to keep my voice calm, but I wanted to cry. What I really wanted to do was kick the asses of anybody and everybody who had ever hurt him. "Okay, Bucky. Tell me what you want me to do, then."
"I want you to tell me you love me and that everything's okay and kiss me. Come here and kiss me." He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me roughly. "Sorry." He said softly, kissing my forehead. "I'm sorry."
I pulled his head down and kissed his forehead. "I love you, Bucky. Everything's gonna be okay, I promise. Go take a nap, okay?"
He went, Maverick following behind him. I doubt he slept very well, if he slept at all.
The doorbell rang at 6:45. Maverick came trotting down the hall and looked at the door.
Pepper smiled and hugged me. "Hey. Sorry we're late. Tony was being difficult."
"Always." Tony agreed with a smile, hugging me as he walked in. "How you doin', kid? We brought brownies. I was gonna bring wine, but somebody said no. Apparently I 'drink too much as it is.'"
"You do." Pepper said.
"When did you guys get a dog?" Tony gestured to Maverick.
"Today." I smiled.
Pepper bent down to pet him. "I thought Bucky kept telling you no?"
"I did." Bucky said, coming down the hall.
She smiled and stood to hug him. "Hey."
"Hey." Bucky patted her back awkwardly.
Tony watched them. I expected him to be sort of the jealous type, but he didn't look jealous, just kind of a little distrustful. But that was fine, as long as Bucky didn't notice, and I doubted he would. He held out his hand to Bucky when Pepper let him go. "Hey, man."
Bucky shook his hand, trying not to look completely uncomfortable. "Hey."
"No offense or anything, but you look like crap."
"Pretty sure I always look like this." He smiled a little bit, so that was a good sign.
Just as we were sitting down to dinner, one of my clients called. I didn't want to answer her--I'd had enough of her at her session yesterday. But, unfortunately, it was my job, so I excused myself and stepped into the living room. "Hey. What's up?" I asked, even though I knew--she was gonna say she was going to kill herself. It happened at least once a week.
"I'm gonna kill myself." Bridget said flatly.
I leaned against the wall. "You're gonna kill yourself?" I repeated, watching as Tony, Pepper and Bucky all turned to look at me, looking concerned.
"Yes."
"Well, that's a bummer. Why's that?"
"Because my mother's a fucking bitch."
"All right. We'll talk about it next Thursday, yeah? Or should I take you off my schedule?"
"I fucking hate when you do that." She snapped.
"So I should leave you on?"
"No. I'm killing myself."
"Okay. Do you want me to come to your funeral? And would your parents prefer dinner or dessert?"
"I hate you!" She screeched and hung up.
Bucky looked at me as I came into the dining room. "What the hell, Rose?"
I shrugged and sat down. "It happens at least every week. She just wants attention. I'll see her next week."
Tony raised his eyebrows. "Did you learn that at shrink school, kid?"
Bucky was still looking at me weird. "Are you supposed to do that when someone says they're gonna kill themselves?"
"No. Not all the time. Depends."
"If we gave into you guys every time you wanted attention, we wouldn't have time for anything else." Pepper said.
"That's true." Tony agreed, and Bucky nodded.
Pepper and I talked about their wedding for most of the evening. Bucky and Tony barely spoke to each other and mostly just pretended to listen to us.
I knew Bucky was ready for them to leave, and Tony was ready to leave. When we spent all that time together back when we first found Bucky, I'd figured out how much he hated being in public when he was upset in any way. I knew he was always anxious, and from the way he was acting, he was anxious now.
"I need a drink." Bucky said as we were sitting in the living room. "Anybody else?" He stood up.
"Me, if you don't mind." Tony raised a hand.
"Tony." Pepper said with a sigh.
"No drinks?" Bucky asked her.
"Yes drinks." Tony stood.
"Fine, then I'll be driving home, I guess." Pepper was staring at him, telling him no with her eyes, but he ignored it.
"Want anything, honey?"
"No. Thank you."
Bucky looked at me, but I shook my head.
"Looks like it's you and me." Tony clapped Bucky's shoulder and followed him into the kitchen.
"Men." Pepper sighed.
"They're completely obnoxious." I agreed.
"I guess we knew what we were getting into."
"Well, kind of."
They left about an hour later. By that time, Bucky and Tony had started talking a little bit more, but I guess they couldn't just sit in there, drinking and not talking. Well, I'm sure Bucky could have, but Tony would have hated that.
After they left, Bucky and I sat on the front porch for a while. We sat on the swing, his arm around me.
"Come on." He said after a while, kissing my cheek. "Let's go inside."
"Now?"
"Yes." He turned my head and kissed me. "Let's go." He scooped me up and carried me inside.
"Well, damn. I could get used to this."
"I bet you could." He grinned and put me down outside the bedroom door. "Don't want that, now do we?"
"Oh, come on. It's not like it's that hard for you." I laughed. "You could at least finish what you started."
He picked me back up and carried me into the bedroom.
"Drop me off at the closet. I need to change."
"No you don't."
"I'm not getting in bed with this on. It's dirty."
"Don't worry about it, doll. I can help with that."
I raised my eyebrows. "Make them not dirty?"
"No. No, I meant to take them off. Damn. I used to be so smooth. What happened to me?"
I laughed and kissed him. "You're still smooth. Sometimes."
"Well, thanks, doll. I try--sometimes." He said, and tripped on the way to the bed.
"Damn, Bucky, you have lost your touch." I laughed.
"Shut up and kiss me."
A couple minutes later, my phone started ringing from the night stand.
"Don't answer it." Bucky pushed my hand away from the table as I reached for it.
"It might be important." I grinned and pushed his face away from mine.
"Rosie. Come on." He kissed me again.
I grabbed my phone and answered it. "Hello?" I asked, trying not to sound breathless.
It was Bridget. "Rose?"
"Yeah?"
"I guess I won't kill myself this time."
"All right. I'm glad you came to that decision. I would have missed you."
Bucky rolled off my and put his arm over his eyes.
"Really?" She asked. "So you do care."
"Of course I do."
"Okay. Cool. Goodnight."
"Goodnight. Sleep well."
"You too."
I put my phone back on the nightstand. "I'm sorry, Bucky." I sighed.
"It's fine." He moved his arm and turned his head to look at me. "Goodnight, doll."
"Bucky--"
"I love you." He kissed my cheek and turned onto his other side.
"Bucky."
"Goodnight."
"Bucky."
He turned back over and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. "Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight."