TomTord One-shots

reminds me of you- WTFurture- angst

A/N Sorry for this one.

Everything reminds me of you.

From that shitty burger joint where we had our first date, to the simple smell of one of your old red hoodies. I hate that my sadness only takes physical form in empty bottles of liquor. The reflection off those vodka bottles reminded me of your eyes.

Those slate grey eyes with swirls of blue, like the reflection of a cloudy sky in blue, blue water. It feels like I can't even look into my sink if it's filled with water because I know I'll expect you to come up behind me and give me a big hug like you used to

but that's impossible now.

Because you can't give hugs when you're six feet deep in the earth. You can't give kisses when your grave stares me in the face everyday. Why did you have to e requested to be buried in our backyard? Why did you want your gravestone to simply say, "I belong to Thomas, in life and death..." Why did you do that Tord? To torture me? To mock me with your death?

I never understood how you ticked, and now I never will. You were a puzzle i was so close to solving but now you're just scattered pieces on the floor. I told you that joining the army was a bad idea. I fucking told you, but you didn't listen. You never did.

You talked about how you had to help the soldiers on the war front. I remember begging, screaming, crying, for you not to go and you did anyway. You promised me you'd be back. You promised me You'd be back to meet our son, so where are you? Why aren't you here? What's Torm going to do when he finds out his father died before he was even born? How will he feel knowing he'll never meet you? Did you even think about that? Did you even think at all?

Or where you too busy trying to die in glory? Were you so busy on fighting for your home country that you didn't even think about the family you left behind?

Sometimes I wonder what your last thoughts were. Were they about me? About your son you'll never meet? Was it an apology for not coming home, for breaking another promise you gave me? Or did you not think at all? Was it instant? Was it drawn out and painful?

I guess I'll never know. They never found your body after all. They only saw you get shot and fall to the ground and bleed out before they had to continue fighting, sure you were gone. They think the enemy took your body as some sick kind of trophy.

Sometimes I wonder if you're still alive. I wonder if you could be stumbling through the streets trying to find us, but even a man as strong as you couldn't have survived a bullet wound through the neck.

I know I cant just be sitting around and being sad, I mean, Torm is only a month old, but I just can't do this. I almost want to give him up, because I know I won't be able to take care of him without you. God, he's so young but he already looks so much like you.

Everyday I tend to start to drift off and just think of you. I try, god, I try so hard to remember everything about you. What your hair felt like, what you smelled like after a long day at work, how your arms felt around me, everything! But it's slipping. Everyday I can remember less and less. If it wasn't for all the videos we took together I'm not sure I would even remember your voice.

You've been gone for so long... I just want to be back with you, where ever you are. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but maybe there is an after life where we can live together again. god it's all my fault isn't? Maybe if I pleaded harder, maybe if I threatened to join the army as well... Maybe, just maybe, you'd still be with me. 

But you were so stubborn, I doubt that's true.

I slide down onto the kitchen floor and cry and it only reminds me of how you used to sit near me and hold me until I stopped, and then you would carry me into our room to fall asleep, but those memories only make it worse.

Why does everything remind me of you?

A/N OOF. Yeah this one is sad (and also short by at least 300 words. My quota is at least 1000) but I neeeed to get a chapter out and this one was almost finished. Anyway, thanks for all the support guys, I promise I'll get back to working!