Beautiful Mess [UsUk / AmeDen]

Chapter XXXIII

A bit after Alfred's enormous breakdown, uncontrollable crying and the urge to end everything right there without hesitation, the American was left alone in his room while Arthur, not caring about anything besides his work at the moment since it was the last week of the college year and he didn't want anyone stand in the way of getting thing done, went to English class. Being left alone was a horrible idea, but he didn't even think of saying a word against the Brit anymore. It would just cause a fight, then another drama would spark out and he'd feel like he was at fault for everything.

He spent time in Matthew's care while Adrienne was soundly sleeping, not a single sound able to wake her up. But once his older brother needed to head to his own final classes, along with the Canadian girl, he was bound to stay alone. The only thing he could do was try his best to send a reasonable email to his English professor explaining why he couldn't attend the lesson. He hoped that it didn't sound as messy as it sounded in his head.

Fears were piling up on him. He was afraid of being the reason everything bad was happening to the ones he loved, frightened of the fact that Arthur might not love him as much as he loved him, and petrified of how he felt as if he was drifting away from everything he enjoyed, which could ultimately lead to him dropping out of college. He didn't want to do that, he didn't want to feel like an even bigger disappointment than he already thought he was. Being one of the two only members of the Jones family, he always wanted to try his best. The last thing he expected was to be stuck in an alternate reality created by his own mind.

He had enough time to think about every single one of his fears while he was alone on his bed, and that lead him to panicking once again. Thinking turned to overthinking, overthinking turned to pressure, pressure turned to a panic attack, and a panic attack turned to psychosis. Just like it always did, just like it always would. Today was such a horrible day, and it kept getting worse.

"I need to calm down", he whispered to himself as he tried to take deep breaths and concentrate on something that didn't give him visions or make him hear strange, unrealistic sounds that he knew most probably weren't there. Yet he still heard them.

He needed to get a new box of antipsychotics soon, because all the pills he owned had gone to waste earlier in the morning. "I can't panic, Arthur will be back soon and he can't see me like this... He'll be angry again."

But it wasn't as easy as simply calming down whenever he wanted to. He had no control over it, that was the worst part. Being a puppet to his own deranged thoughts and following their orders, not being able to assert himself and stop it. No, they were just there, and he was just their slave.

It didn't help that he suddenly had a wave of thoughts not only about his own troubles, but troubles of other people he knew, loved and cared about. Those he was introduced to while he was staying at the hospital, like Isabella - the last time he properly talked to her was when he had the urge to save her from Ivan again. And what about the Russian? Was he doing better or worse, did anything change about him treating other patients?

He cursed his empathetic self sometimes, hated that he put so much thought and care into others. A lot of the times more than himself. In fact, he didn't give a damn about his well being, as long as others around him were alright. That's why he hated seeing Matthew stressed and worried all because of him, all because he didn't know how to handle his paranoia and constant panicking.

Covering his head with a pillow and wrapping himself with the blanket on the bed, he was shaking and trembling with his entire body, wishing he could call for help instead of feeling so miserable. If only there was a way to alter his own mind, change his own past and future - he would use it to bring their parents back, to make everything bright and happy, like the life everyone dreamed of and deserved to have. He would use that power to end this psychotic state of his that made him feel like Earth wasn't his real place of birth or residence. And once he would have himself fixed, he'd help everyone around him get back on their feet.
He always wanted to be everyone's hero, but through time he understood that it was completely okay if he was the person he needed to save first before anybody else. Although that sentence hurt, and it was one of the most difficult things he had to process and learn, it was the truth.