The Art of Letting Go

CHAPTER 1 THIEF or MURDERER

Probably you might be wondering why the first chapter is entitled "thief or murderer". These two words will be used to illustrate the two types of breakup, so let's begin with the first type, THIEF. A thief is a person who is going to take something away from you whenever you are unaware. It will just shock you that something has been taken away from you. Then upon realizing that something is missing, you will be in total panic, cry, grieving at the lost thing. Meanwhile, a murderer is a person who has been contemplating to kill you. It is a pre-meditated crime that was carefully planned and in a sense you see it coming already. Probably, you have prepared already on the day or might also surprise you off guard. But nonetheless, you have already the premonition that it is coming and is fighting, evading or preparing on it. Eventually, these two types of criminals will hurt you or might kill you in the process. That is how breakup eventually happens or ends.

Odd at it may sound but let me illustrate how a breakup can either be a thief or a murderer. A thief breakup is a painful breakup. The reason is that you never saw it coming. So you weren't able to prepare physically, mentally and emotionally from the pain that is coming. This kind of breakup most of the time just pops out from the ground and catches you off guard. It comes in the form of excuses like "It is not working anymore" or "Let's end this" or "Sorry, it's not you, it's me." Or "I fell out of love for you" or 'you've gone cold towards me', etc. For whatever reason it is, you will find yourself bewildered and confused. The thief break-up comes unnoticed stealing the person that you love the most. Sadly, your partner is prepared already while you are there left puzzled and bedazzled. This breakup is a traitor and painful. For it came out of the blue hitting you so hard and you have no slightest idea that it could happen or is happening already.

It is incomprehensible at first. It is a moment where there is a sense of confusion that gives birth to confusing questions. This is a breakup that is not easily sinking in because you don't know what your reactions will be. Your mind is spinning; you're bursting into tears. A confounding situation that causes doubts and confusion but you never knew what is actually happening. You are in denial. You are not prepared in this type of lost. You are at a lost.

Unlike the thief breakup, the murdered breakup has already presented itself to you. There are series of events that slowly gave rise to the situation. They can be form of infidelity, irreconcilable differences, or of any other reasons that have been plaguing your relationship lately. This type of breakup is as painful as the first type because you are like being stabbed over and over again in the form of fights, indifferent attitudes, emotional and physical pain. However, unlike the thief breakup, the situation has prepared you already. That is why you've braced yourself already on the onslaught that is happening. For this reason, this type of breakup heals quickly.

Moreover, Loren Lee (1984) proposed the five stages in the murderer type of breakup. First, is dissatisfaction, it's wherein both partners are not happy anymore in the relationship. Second, is exposure in which both partners are aware that there is a problem in their relationship and acknowledge it. Third, is negotiation, wherein both parties are trying to settle and find a win-win solution to the problem/s in their relationship. Fourth, are Resolution and Transformation, which both partners now try to apply the possible working solution they have agreed upon to save the relationship. Lastly, termination, where the solution applied didn't work and no other solution to the problem may apply. Thus, terminating the relationship is the only option.

Additionally, the two of you in this type of breakup has gone cold with one another. Most of the time you just fight when you meet or talk. Sometimes you don't communicate anymore. Both of you are not listening and if there is listening is just to falsify or negate, there's no more understanding. Love is replaced by anger; intimacy with bitter coldness; thoughtfulness with indifference; sweetness with cold expressions. Both of you choose not to talk and see each other anymore and the relationship becomes toxic. Both of you are numb already with the pain. You don't want to let go because of the hope and the love. But slowly both of you or one of you is slipping away. Finally, everything crumbles down and decided to free one another already.

At any rate, whatever type of breakup that is, never blame yourself for what had happen. This event is not 70-30 or 60-40; it will always be 50-50. Something had happen that has caused it to happen and you find yourself in the "effect situation". You are not the only person to blame here. It is not also right to put all the blame to the other person. Probably, we've done something that caused this thing to happen. We all share the blame. It is either both of you or the three of you – in case of a third party. However, remember that it is happening for a reason. There is a purpose for this pain. Do not wallow so much in the situation of blaming yourself. At first, you don't see the reason and lesson for it is covered in pain but later on you will understand why it is happening. Everything happens for a purpose and it is the purpose that will truly set us free.

This is not yet the end of the relationship. There might be still ways of fixing it. Unfortunately, if there is no more way to settle it hence it is better to let go that to continue hurting yourself within a relationship. During this period take a time for you to communicate with your inner self. Talk to yourself and go with your closest friend and share it to him/her. Let go of the pain you feel.

Bible Verse of the day:

Jeremiah 29: 11 – 13

11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the Lord—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.

12 When you call me, and come and pray to me, I will listen to you.

13 When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart,