Nasty

Car Ride. 3 hours in.

Queen. 

Nobody said a word. Ma drove and i sat in the back with the babies who i'd just gotten to fall asleep after we mad a pit stop, feeding and changing diapers. which made the trip longer. Drew sat in the front and on his laptop, his mom brought him so he could do whatever he needed to do. 

after 30 minutes, he closed the laptop and signed looking back at the babies then our eyes locked. "did you want to take a break? we can switch seats next stop?"

"no" i said simply 

"i'm just saying, you could get some rest" 

"drew, i am fine, please, just.. don't" i said quietly and frustrated. i did not want to talk to him, especially if talking to him meant waking up our babies. i didn't have anything to say to him that would make our relationship better, all i knew is the marriage was off the table until further notice. i was pissed off, furious, annoyed and moving in the same house as him, i would be tiered and waken up every 30 minutes because 3 triplets meant no sleep, he would have to work because bills have to be paid. i would have no patience to talk to him, to make an amends and forgive him, to like him because he almost killed us. i looked at Nala. she was tiny but sucked on her thumb when she slept. she was my first child that did that, the first one to be a risk and the first one to suck her thumb. i wanted to hold her, let her feel my skin. she cried longer the Nasir and Jada and slept longer them them too and ate an once more than them. 

so no i didn't want to talk to Drew for this entire car ride. i damn sure didn't want to be in this car with him, but i was and he should be grateful for that. because if it was up to me, April, Jr, Nala, Nasir, and Jada wouldn't  be here. i still had a good enough savings to rent an apartment pay 2 months ahead, hire a nanny and find work, which has never been a problem for me. 

i didn't even have he urge to fight him, as much as i would have normally felt, my energy just wasn't there. i signed holding back tears, mad at myself for even considering tears in the first place.