Almost Broken: Carl Grimes fanfic

Chapter 37

Carl and I have been walking back to the farm for an hour.. All in silence. Carl is the first to speak.

"Rylie." He grabs for my wrist and I jerk away from him.

"No! No you know what Carl?! That could've been us! We could've been the ones to get bit and if that were me? I sure as hell wouldn't want some teenage boy being a stuck up prick in my last hours of being a fucking human!" I yell.

"Stuck up prick? I'm the stuck up prick?! You're the one when we first met that wanted to leave everyone just so you didn't have to deal with people, for your own good, to be a selfish bitch!" He shouts.

His words hit me hard but I don't let it show.

"No. That might've been me before I forgot, but lemme tell you something Carl. If that's who I was when I first met you, something made me that way. I wasn't always like that and I'm not anymore. You don't know what happened to me to make me that way. Come to think of it, you don't even fucking know me at all! And I sure as hell don't know you!"

"I don't know you? How come I know that your first kiss was with a guy that moved away right after and even though you told him you had no feelings for him, you cried for a week after he moved?!" He throws in my face.

Oh my god... Did I really tell him that? Well of course you did, dumb fuck. How else would he know?

He takes a step closer to me. "How come I know that when you were 6, Hallie threw you into a pool to teach you to swim and you were scared of big bodies of water ever since? How come I know that when you were 10, your dad back handed you when you knocked over his old basketball trophy and that's why you've been scared of him ever-"

"Is that what bitch Rylie told you?" I laugh out of irony. "That... That I'm afraid of my dad because he backhanded me when I was 10?!" I laugh again, just once, but then started to tear up. "No Carl. No. See, you don't know me... Bitch Rylie didn't tell you that the reason I'm scared of my father is because he raped me."

The world goes silent in that moment.

I can't hear the wind. I can't hear the trees rustling. I can't hear my own cries escaping my mouth as I tell this boy my darkest secret... The only thing I hear is the sharp intake of breath from Carl's mouth as the words escape my lips. The slight cough he tries to hold back a moment after I say it, and lastly, I hear the sound of my heart breaking for a boy I don't know, whose heart seems to be breaking at my words.

I don't know what to do, so I just stand there, a couple of feet away from Carl as his eyes are closed and his mind wanders.

"Do you want to try the whole 'I know you' shit again or can we go back to the farm so I can sleep?" I say rudely, even though there was no real need to.
Something about Carl just pisses me off so fucking badly that I want to punch him in the face but at the same time, something draws me towards him like a magnet. It always draws me back to those blue eyes of his and I know he feels it too because when he looks at me, flecks of dark blue appear in the light blue and I know something changes in him. It draws me towards him but at the same time, I want to push myself away. I know I can't do both, so I had to choose which one I'd go with... Looks like pushing him away is the one I went for.

When we get to the farm, i walk through the door like nothing was wrong, Carl following silently after me.

"Holy shit." Daryl says, jumping up from his seat and walking towards us.
"Where the hell have y'all been?!" He yells. I jump back slightly at his harsh tone but pull myself together just as quickly.

"Carl." Rick says, relieved and pulls Carl into his arms.

"Well after you left to tell them what had happened," I say to Daryl. "Carl and I just went on a walk to talk about everything that's happening and what's happened to me..."
"So you remember?" He asks, hopeful.
"Not really... I mean, I understand what's going on and who you all are but I don't remember.. It doesn't feel real." I mumble and looks back over to Carl and Rick, who are still in their embrace and for a moment, I'm jealous of Carl.
I'm jealous of the way his dad hugs him, how Rick cares for every move that Carl makes and the worst part is... I've seen the way that Carl has looked at Rick these past few days and it's almost as if he's scared of Rick. As if he hates him. I don't know who Rick is or what his past is, but I can tell he cares about Carl and used to care about Judith....

Did I just remember the baby's name? Carl's little sister...

"Daryl.." He turns his head to look at me. "Was Carl's little sisters name Judith?"
"Yes... Wait, why?" His redneck accent comes off as funny to me.

"No one had told me her name." I crack a light smile that earns a huge smile from Daryl, along with a hug. Not just a hug, but a pick-up, spin-around, squeeze-me-to-death, cause-a-scene kind of hug. I laugh when he sets me down.

"It's just one little thing that I remember Daryl, not all the forgotten memories." I remind him.

"Who gives a shit Rylie? That's something!" He says, playfully punching me on the shoulder and I get the feeling that he and I had a tight connection. A bond of some sort...

"Wait what are you remembering?" Michonne walks over to me. I'm still not sure how to feel around Michonne, she seems harmless but I'm not sure what our relationship used to be like.

"Judith.." I say and at the mention of her name, Carl's attention goes straight to me.

"What?" He asks and moves closer to me, and away from his dad.

"It's nothing... I just remembered Judith's name... No ones actually said her name since I've forgotten." I mumble. Carl nods his head as if me remembering his sisters name hurts him...

"Uhm.." I try to hide the tears forming in my eyes. "I'm gonna go upstairs... I'm worn out." I say quietly and move away from everyone. I bolt up the stairs and lay down on the queen sized bed that I had woken up in just 4 days ago, when I didn't know who any of these people were.

Why couldn't I have just died with my family? How did they die though?.. I don't even know who I am anymore.. I don't know who the old me was. I don't know how to act around these people, how to act around myself. I don't know these people or their lives and stories and I don't even know if I want to know.

That night I fell asleep with tears in my eyes.
I fell asleep in the worst way possible, and that was with the guilt I carried of being the reason my dad is dead.

And I remembered that much.