The F in Pike (Book 3.5) (girlxgirl)

Left, Right and Away

How do I tell her?

Walking along the edge of the training mat at our dojo, I watch our slayers running through the training drills we've set out for them, my companion slayer walking along the other edge watching our slayers just as intently for any signs that their form might be off kilter so we can correct them if needed.

I can't just come out and say it. She's too defensive and shut down for that. If I tried the direct approach, it could only end up making things worse. She might withdraw from me completely and I'd lose what leverage I have to get her to talk to me now, which really isn't much at all. Pretty much the only thing that's keeping us together and talking right now is this job, and the slaying.

One of the girls slips from position near the middle of the group.

"Hold it..."

All of them stop and so does Faith, who looks in my direction.

"Kerry..."

I weave between the girls up to Kerry and help her readjust her footing.

"You're a little off center there, but you're doing well so far. Keep it up."

As I walk back to the outside of the mats, I glance over at Faith for a second, seeing a slightly tired and a little angry expression on her face. She catches my gaze and I give her a little smile to show her I'm not trying to scold her for anything. So she smiles back halfheartedly.

But even this job is starting to weigh on her these days too. I can see it in her eyes. It's the same kinda look I could see in the mirror back in Sunnydale when the slaying gig got too much for me. I used to ask myself why I still did it and why I didn't just quit and take up sunbathing or something. It would always be the easier path to take, and Faith's always been a fan of the easier path. But I kept coming back to it because in the end it was really the only thing that got me through the day. And I think that's the reason why Faith keeps coming back to it.

That won't last forever though. I gave up once too, and Faith could if she really wanted to. There are so many of us now to carry on the slayer legacy, and even more taking up saving the world every day. We aren't really needed anymore to keep the world spinning, and sometimes it would be easier to just hang up the spurs and go riding into the sunset. Except it keeps us living from day to day, sometimes it's the only reason to get up in the morning. I haven't felt that way in years, but after everything that Faith's been through with Dawn, I can imagine that those thoughts are probably running through her head right now.

They loved each other a lot and it ended badly. I've been through that. I went through it with Angel, I went through it with Riley, and I went through it with Spike in a lot of ways too. It leaves you with a lot of bad feelings that you just don't wanna deal with. It eats you up inside if you don't deal with it until it makes you feel like there's nothing left inside you at all. And the only thing that makes you feel better is knowing that you're not alone. You have people to turn to. I can be that person for Faith.

Faith barks out an order at one of the girls.

"Trudy, your right cross is dropping too much at your shoulder. I can see it coming a mile away. Clean it up."

I would be that person for Dawn too, if she would let me. But she won't. She chose to go off to college to get away from her problems, even though I tried repeatedly to stop her. For six weeks straight before she left, I tried to confront her one way or another, trying to get her to stop going off to college without dealing with her feelings. But no matter what I tried, no matter how I approached her, she wouldn't listen. I even went so far as to try and hold her down while I yelled at her. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And Dawn didn't want to be helped, so I had to let her go.