I'm Waiting For You

Chapter 20 ❤️ Not worried ❤️

Yes, I didn't tell Mom anything about that. And Ryan keeps his promise.

That next Saturday, I go to see Allan.  I am not that strong but I realize that I need to make it better piece by piece. It comes from me. My mindset.

I need to move on.

Yes, I love Allan as much as Mom loves him. But, it isn't just me who lost a brother. Mom lost a son that she caried for nine months and took care for until he was a teenager. She must be broken inside more than me.

I touch the grass.

"Allan, I miss you. I hope you're okay. We're doing fine here. Mom is very happy to get a new promotion. And I'm going to sit for my test before the summer break. Wish me luck? I want to be the best student just like you did. I still have your report card. It's my inspiration you know." I grace his name. I try my best to hold my tears. But fail.

"I'm sorry again, Allan. This time, it's not because what I have done but for blaming myself for this entire 12 years. I'm sorry. Blaming myself for that incident is just like blaming you for being caring towards me. I have realized that it only comes from me. I have burdened the people around me just by blaming myself. I need to move on, right? I need to let go. Because I love you. I miss you, Allan. Rest in peace." I get up and clean the grass at my knee.

"I'll see you later."

•••••

"Let me get the door." I get up from the couch when I hear the bell rings. Well, Mom is too focus on her favourite show to realize it though.

"Hey. Good evening." Ryan greets me when I open the door.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I'm just... Just curious about how you doing since you didn't reply my message." He holds his back neck which shows how awkward he is.

"Oh, I put it on silent. Sorry, I didn't realize it. Seriously, sorry." I give him an apologetic look.

"No, it's okay actually as long as you're okay."

"Who is it, Abby?" Mom's voice cuts our conversation.

"Oh, it's Ryan."

"Don't want to come in? Or you want to take her out? You have my permission." Mom walks towards the door to greet him.

"Mom!" I slap her hand.

"What?" She frowns at me.
"Hey, Ryan." And smiles at Ryan.

"Hey Aunt Emma. Can I really borrow her for a while?"

Borrow me? Nice words, guys.

"Of course. I believe in you though. Just make sure she'll be okay. And. Before midnight." Mom holds up his index finger which means that she is serious.

"No worries. Promise." Ryan holds up his hand too which means he swears to make sure of that.

"And anybody here needs my opinion? I'm not a 'thing' to be borrowed by the way." I cross my arms.

"He promises me. Which means you need to go." Mom takes my sweater from the coat hanger and passes it to me. I just shake my head but still take that sweater though.

"And I need to listen to you. Okay."

"It's not that you don't want, right?"

I am about to reply back but I refuse to because she is right.

"Whatever, mom." I take my sandals and wear them.

"Bye, honey." She waves me and Ryan. How can she be this childish?

"You okay?" Ryan who is walking beside me, asks.

"Yes, okay. Just, you know. My mom." I laugh a little remembering what she was doing.

"Yeah, she's sporting. And carefree." We only laugh while walking towards his car.

•••••

Ryan stops his car in front of the park that we usually come for jogging.

I get out from his car and quickly run to the nearest swing. Everybody loves to play that, right? We are never too old for riding a swing.

"Can't wait, can you?" Ryan walks towards the bench just opposite the swing and sit there.

"Yes, these swings are always occupied everytime I come." I move my body forward a little and start swinging myself.

"So, in a good mood?" Ryan leans his hands back.

I stop and answer, "Kinda."

"You don't have that dream again, right?"

"I don't know. But, after this I'm confident I won't."

"And why is that?"

I don't reply because I don't know how. How can I answer that question without telling the whole story about Allan? Am I ready to tell him? And the most important is, am I ready to trust him?

I just look at his eyes blankly.

"Abby? Are you there?" His voice snaps me out.

"Yeah, it's just... I'm still thinking. If..."

"You should tell me or not?" He leans his body forward and take a good look at my eyes.

"Errm... I... I..." My voice is stuck there somewhere.

"It's okay if you're not ready. I'm just asking though."

We stare at each other's eyes for some seconds. I can see that he is sincere from his eyes. I know I can trust him. Besides, he knows Allan. Why can't I tell him, right? Yes, I think I should.

I give him a small smile, "I think I'm ready to share it."

He holds my hand. "Are you sure?"

I look at our hands and give him a nod.