I'm Waiting For You

Chapter 30 💔 Not strong 💔

Okay, things about to get real.

I nod and just say, "Mhmm, what is it? You make me scared, Ryan."

"You still remember when I said I'm not ready yet to tell you why I left?", I nod, he continues, "I really hope I'm ready now and strong enough to tell you everything. No, I must be really ready now and I'll not let this thing running into my mind everyday."

He frowns a little when he sees I'm not saying anything. He clearly is worried to tell me. I need to assure him it that I'm willing to hear everything he wants to say. So, I take his right hand in my left. Woah, it's freezing.

"It's okay, Ryan. You can tell me anything."

He stops for a while like he's thinking on what to say and gathering all the words he should say.

"What if I tell you..." he says and I nod.

"...that I'm related..." I nod again.

"...with Allan's death?" I suppose to nod again but I stop when I heard that. Okay, that's new.

"What do you mean? Allan was involved in an accident, remember? How can you related with it? We were only 6 at that time. And I saw it with my eyes. Of course it's not your fault." I laugh a little, trying to hide the awkwardness I feel.

"Really, Abby? Is that all you could react? Even if I'm telling the truth? That I'm related to all of this?" He frowns deeper, looking like he can't believe me. Like, he's mad? Did he expect me to get mad when I don't know the whole true story?

"Ryan, what are you saying? Of course, I believe you. That's why I need you to explain everything. As much as I was worried when you left, I'm also worried if I judge you too soon before listening to everything"

"Worried?" He squeezed my hand in his harder that it hurts. Is he really being mad now?

"Ryan, why are you-" I try to take my hand away and before I could finish my words, he lets my hand go and get up from the couch.

He brushes his hair in his hands making it looks messy, "You've been waiting for twelve years. You should be mad. Ask me, why I left without a word? Why I didn't say goodbye? Why I didn't contact you at all? Am I not worried about you? You shouldn't say you're worried of me. I'm wrong. And I don't deserve to be worried." It's the first time after twelve years I see this sadness in his eyes. Is it my fault that I care about him?

He never gets mad at me. That's one thing I just realized now since this feels so unfamiliar. He just seems vulnerable. It must take him a lot to tell me this.

"Ryan, I'm lying if I say I didn't hate you. But I'm also lying if I say I didn't care." I get up and look at his back which he turns his back towards me when he gets mad earlier.

"Stop, Abigail." he stops. He calls me Abigail which means he's serious. He turns to look at me again. He takes a deep breath and I'm sure he's gulping down his saliva before continuing, "I was the murderer's son. You shouldn't care about me when the person who killed your brother was my father."

I'm shocked. Like really shocked. As much as I wanted to cry, I can't. Especially when Ryan was kneeling down in front of me. Tears streaming down his handsome face. He's facing down the floor. I'm speechless. I don't know how to react.

"Do anything. Get mad at me. Scream at my face. Punch me. Hit me. Do everything that will make me stop feeling this guilty. Don't just stay still, looking at me with those sad eyes. I'm not strong for that. Please, Abby." Ryan is still kneeling. His voice is shaky. He takes my hand to make a fist with it and trying to make me hit his chest.

'Okay, Abigail. You got this. Get yourself together. You know what you should do and what you shouldn't. Think rationally, Abigail.'

I look at my hand in his hands. Then I look at his face which is still looking down, waiting for my next move. He still looks effortlessly handsome with all the tears on his face, the messy hair he brushed just now.

"It must be hard to pretend to be strong around me, right?" He finally slowly looks up with a confused look. I squeeze his hands back and pull his arms to get him up from his knees. He silently follows me and finally gets up from the position. He then towers me again with his height. I look up at his eyes, my hand still holding his.

I push him back to make him sit on the couch again. When he is seated, I stand in front of him saying, "Thank you, for collecting the courage to tell me the truth."

Then, I take my hands to wipe the tears from his face with my thumbs. He still doesn't say anything nor does he move. But his eyes are still looking at my face.

"And I'm sorry for making you keeping all the guilty feelings all by yourself for so long." This time, I brush his hair with my hands, to tidy it up and make it look neater.

"But it's not your fault, Ryan. I know how much you want me to resent you. But, I just can't blame you for something you didn't do."

"But, my Dad was-"

I didn't let him finish his words when I continue, "Yes, I admit that I was shocked. I hated you when you left. I questioned everything to my Mom but still I can't get anything. And with you telling me that it was your dad, makes me even more shocked now. It was your dad, not you. You didn't do anything that deserves me to be mad at. I'm selfish if I want to hit you for something you didn't do. I'm sad too, but I know how do you feel to hold all of the guilt and pretend you're okay all the time when you see me. It makes me sadder to know that you need to pretend you're okay around me." I say while holding his face in my both hands. I'm holding back my tears when I see a single tear is rolling down from his eyes again.

"Promise me, you'll tell me everything so that I can understand and make you stop feeling this guilty again. It hurts me to see you like this." I say while looking in his eyes. We stay like that for 5 seconds before he moves.

This time he doesn't hold back and suddenly he hugs me tightly that I almost lose my balance. If it not because of his hands, I thinks I would fall. His face is literally buried right over my belly and below my chest. His hands wrapped around my waist. And I let him cry his eyes out while holding me tightly as if he's afraid I would change my mind and let him go. Instead, I run my hands in his hair and around his neck, holding his head against me and pat his back to wait until he's really okay. The only sound we can hear in this empty house is Ryan's cry and his heavy breathing before he says something.

"I was afraid, A. Really afraid when I know the truth. I don't how to tell you, imagining how you'll get mad and leave me. I just... don't want to lose you again." he still in that position when he says that and he shakes his head.

This time, I can't hold my tears anymore. I let them roll down my face.

Me too, Ryan. I won't let my selfishness destroys our friendship again. I value you more than that.

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Phewwwww, that was intense to write. I don't really know how to dive deeply into emotions so I hope I did my best though. And this is my favourite chapter so far. What do you think? Drop your comments and vote please! 😚 love you all! 💕

P/S btw, i did new cover by myself hehe and i like very much

~L 🦋