forgiveness and fate ☾ the maze runner

chapter 20 {lovingly ranting}

THOMAS SITS IN FRONT of the large campfire, watching the orange flicker and rise. Minho sits beside him, quietly. Whenever they have a fire during the evenings, it reminds the two of the first night they had in Paradise.

The problem with remembering the first night, is that it triggers bad memories to resurface. Thomas remembers reading Newt's letter, which obviously leads him onto remembering the saddening death of one of his only best friends.

Then he sees Chuck dying in front of him. Zart being snatched brutally by a Griever. Alby being ripped away from him. Jeff being taken by a Griever. Gally being speared. Then Winston laying on the sand, stained with his infected blood.

Then he remembers the fire on top of the WICKED building. He can remember, still so clearly, how the love of his life helped him to safety. . .and how she looked ready to die. More than ready.

Thomas looks away from the fire, towards the shoreline. The evening sky has started to settle drastically, yet he can still see. He sees Teresa walking along the shore, Sam walking beside her. He's pretty sure the young boys' said something so innocently cute that it's making Teresa laugh.

He smiles his small smile at the sight. Minho catches the rare scene.

"Well, who knew how much your smile could light up my day"

"Shut up, Minho" Thomas rolls his eyes.

Minho smirks. "Well, I'm sure it lights up your girlfriends day"

Thomas shakes his head, his eyes showing his laughter.

He looks back to where we was observing Teresa and Sam. They're still walking, probably talking about the fish swimming in the sea, or the moon and the stars in the sky. Maybe Teresa knows the constellations, and she's telling him about them. Or, maybe Sam's talking about how Teresa is secretly 'a princess' in disguise, and Thomas is her prince. Or how Sam plans on (somehow) making their wedding rings, and helping Frypan make their wedding cake.

The funny thing is, how Frypan actually agreed to Sam's idea. Whenever or if it's going to happen.

⚫ ⚫ ⚫

"TERESA, I HAVE A QUESTION" Thomas states.

Teresa sits up to face him properly. She can tell from the tone of his voice that whatever his question is, it's serious. Thomas looks down at her, wrapped up in his arms.

"What is it?"

"Every time you see fire, does it triggers anything? Like, do you get flashbacks of memories?"

"Well, not flashbacks. I just think, 'oh I remember seeing fire'. I don't really get flashbacks" she says.

Thomas looks her in the eyes. She's basically transparent to him.

"You're lying" he says, simply.

"I'm not" she denies.

"You just did it, again. Tell me how you feel"

"Look, okay, I do get flashbacks" she admits, looking down.

"About the time we were on the building. . ." he trails off, uncomfortable. It's the fact that he knows if he didn't get close enough in that millisecond, Teresa would've fallen to her death.

Teresa touches his arm, mindlessly. She follows the structure of his arm, trailing her finger on his tan skin.

She simply nods at his response.

"I do, too" he admits, quietly.

Teresa looks up, at his eyes. She sees how lost he looks, after admitting it. Her hands move to cup his face, so he can properly take in what she's about to tell him.

"Tom" she whispers.

He looks at her.

"I think you have this condition called PTSD. It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think we'd all have it from the Maze, and the Scorch, and from everything that happened in the Last City. I know Minho would have it after what WICKED did. . .and you would too, after seeing Newt. . ." Teresa trails off.

"And almost seeing you die" he adds.

She looks down, guilty. "But you saved me"

Thomas wants to laugh at her response to try and take the heat off her, but he can't due to the topic. "Of course I'd save you. I do love you, you know"

"I saved you, too. Also because I love you"

"But you weren't going to save yourself" Thomas says, almost wanting to yell in frustration.

It's knowing that she was so close to dying that drives him mad.

"How long have you loved me?" Thomas asks her.

She takes a moment to think, properly. "Since forever. I didn't really notice it at first"

Thomas nods. "And I need you to understand where I'm coming from. I've loved you forever, but it never dawned on me. And I know I've loved you for years, even though I can't remember all of it, because I remember how I felt when you turned up in the Box" he tells her. "Even when you sided with WICKED, I still cared about you. So even though I hadn't forgiven you, I still cared. So imagine how I felt, when we were gonna die, and I'd forgiven you. Imagine you saving me, and me believing you were going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Imagine me thinking that you were going to follow after me, onto the Berg. Imagine how I felt, when I realised you weren't going to follow after me. I died inside. I would've lost everything"

Teresa is silent, tears threatening to spill. She doesn't know which one was worse - siding with WICKED or nearly dying.

"I'm always gonna be here, Thomas," she says, taking his larger hand. "I wanted to die, because I felt that I couldn't redeem myself after what I did. I need you to understand that. And whenever I see fire, I turn away as I remember that I was ready to die the last time I was near to it. But I love you. That's all I have to say"

Thomas sighs, relieved. He didn't think telling her about his flashbacks would turn into a rant. A meaningful rant.

"Can we sleep now?"

---

a/n: this is quite sad knowing that our love Teresa, actually did die :( her and Thomas could've had a beautiful life together. But I still believe that in the books, she could've survived .

Anyway, sorry I haven't updated this in a while. I just didn't know what to write for this.

Also, I must ask, who likes shadowhunters????