My Trans Story

The Story So Far

(Sorry for taking so long to post this, I've been at school ugh)

Okay, like I promised, this chapter will be dedicated to explaining whats going on in my life so far. How I discovered I'm trans, who I've come out to, everything like that. This chapter will be fairly long so get comfortable (Unless you don't want to read it. You don't have to, but some things might not make sense later on if you don't) So here we gooooooo

I'm transgender. Which (in case you don't already know) means that I feel like a boy despite being assigned female at birth (which can be shortened to AFAB, which is any person assigned female at birth). 

I haven't known that I was trans for very long, but honestly it sure feels like it. I really should have realized it sooner. To be fair though, I used to not know what transgender even was and I was also raised in a pretty transphobic environment. So for a good portion of my life I was led to believe that being transgender was wrong, being gay was wrong, etc.

But like I said, I really should have realized it sooner! It's so strange thinking back on my life at all the things that should have been clear indicators that I'm trans. I mean, I would look for the most 'boyish' clothes in my dresser, or take some of my brothers clothes and put them on, stuff my hair into a hat and ask everyone "Hey, do I look like a boy?" and then get super excited when they said yes. I've always considered myself to be a 'tomboy'. 

My whole life I've always felt weird and different though. I just thought it was the way I looked and whenever I would get new clothes that were like 'other girls' I still felt so weird. I would think "These are nice clothes. Other girls wear these clothes. Why do I feel so weird?" And when I would wear shirts that were tight, I would also feel weird. I thought it was because I was self-conscious about my weight, which I kinda was (and still am), but it was mostly due to the fact that I subconsciously hated my chest. 

I used to tuck my hair up into hats all the time. I never really knew why that I liked to do that. I had never really thought of having a super short haircut, but one day, I thought, "Hmm, I wonder what I would look like with hair like that?" And at first I was like, "Nah, I would probably just look weird..." But then I kinda started to like the idea. I didn't get it cut short at the time, but once I figured out that I was a boy, I REALLY started wanting short hair. Of course I couldn't tell anyone WHY. I would just say "Long hair is just so annoying, haha. And plus it's hot in the summer and stuff. Short hair is just so cool, you know? Can I get my hair cut like the GIRL in this picture???" I couldn't really show them a picture of a guy, so I would just show them pictures of girls who had hair that was kinda like what I wanted. And FINALLY I got it cut the way that I wanted. Which was awesome. Not that I'm not dysphoric about other things, because I definitely am. The haircut was just a small step in like a hundred flight staircase.

In 2016 is when I actually first started questioning everything.  I wondered if I was even certain of my sexuality. I thought "what if I'm a boy?" I didn't even want to consider that thought. I thought maybe I could be genderfluid, agender, bigender, but no matter what the possibilities were, I just didn't want to even think that I could be anything other than what people saw me as my whole life. I repressed a lot of my feelings and it made me very depressed for a long time and there was just this thought at the back of my mind "what if I'm transgender" 

Eventually I couldn't repress anything any more. Sometime around the beginning of my senior year (2017) I really started thinking about it, questioning everything, just trying to figure things out. I just NEEDED to know. I joined the LGBT+ Amino. I talked to a bunch of people who were way more supportive to me than I thought my parents would ever be. But still, more depression, more anxiety, I wasn't sure who I was. I don't remember when it was but I eventually came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, a boy. I was so relieved to finally know who I was. But there was still so much to think about. I began hating my long hair more and more. I realized how much I hated my body, every feminine part of it, I realized how much I hated being called she and her and a girl and my birth name. It was horrible. Like I said, I eventually got my hair cut and it was awesome. But there was still so much more to go through.

I came out to my step cousin in April with a note. She was the only person I could trust. She reacted well. She told me she just wanted me to be happy and that I couldn't hide my real identity for much longer or I would never be happy. I agreed but was terrified to come out to anyone else. Over time I (kind of) told my brother (he already knew, because it was obvious to him), my sister (who knew I had a secret and kept trying to guess it and when I said it was LGBT related she just started listing a bunch of stuff until she got to trans), my step sister (found out from my bro), and my step mom (who just told me she knew). All of them were supportive. The people I was most afraid to tell was my grandparents and my dad. My grandparents could tell something was up with me (basically they thought I was a lesbian because of the way I dressed. Makes no sense really) and they kind of pushed me until I confessed I was transgender.

That was not a good conversation. I didn't get in trouble, they're just very judgmental and didn't accept me. Which is still bad and I still cried. My grandpa kept trying to talk to me about it and I didn't want to because all he wants to say is stuff like "but you're so  pretty!" "you're too smart for this" "but you have a nice body!" "why can't you just be a tomboy?" "why do you want to get rid of your breasts?" and all that bullshit. It makes me cry basically every time. No matter how many times I've tried to explain it to him he just doesn't understand. And he never wants to accept it. Same with my grandma. My dad found out and he doesn't accept it either. 

The other day I payed my brother to do something for me and my dad said "that's not very boy-like. That's what a girl would do." And it made me really upset that he said that. For one, that's very stereotypical. Don't push labels on what's "girl-like" and "boy-like." Also that was basically just him degrading me? The fuck man.

Also, I have told my psychiatrist, who I really hope will help me. I'm also working up to telling my school councilor because I literally can't stand another day at school with people deadnaming me and calling me the wrong pronouns. 

I think that's basically all I need to say about what's going on in my life so far and I may have skipped some stuff but I'm sure I'll eventually bring it up at some point. Sorry for the long ass rant about my life lmao. Now I'll finally get to writing some actual chapters lol.