My Trans Story

stupid rant about last night

(Warning: mention of self harm)

Last night I was really dysphoric and depressed and whenever I feel like that, I literally feel like putting zero effort into anything. I kept staring off into space and I couldn't eat very much. Then I was told to do the dishes and whenever I'm depressed and told to do chores it only makes me feel more like shit.

I kept thinking about shit and then I eventually just went into my room and collapsed on the floor crying. I felt really bad for not doing the dishes, but I couldn't stop crying.

My grandma got up and started doing the dishes but she was really pissed off that I wasn't doing them. She started yelling and swearing at me from the kitchen, saying I was lazy and shit, and mocking me for crying. Which, of course, only made me cry harder.

My grandpa got mad at her for yelling at me, but then he came back into my room and started talking to me while I was on the floor. He said something like "you cant keep doing stuff like this (birthname) how does it help my stress when my wife is in there cussing and my teenage daughter is in here crying?" I kept crying when he called me daughter and thought "maybe if you wouldn't fucking call me that shit! I'm not a fucking girl!"

When he left I sat up and tried to stop crying. Whenever I cry really hard it almost makes me sick, so I sat there coughing and I almost threw up. I went in the kitchen to help my grandma with the dishes. It was hard to not cry again especially since she was still pissed off and slamming shit around.

Afterwards, I went back into my room (it was only like 5 pm) and pulled off my binder and lied in bed. My grandpa texted me asking if I was okay but I said "not generally" and refused to tell him anymore than that. Then I turned on Pierce The Veil on my laptop and fell asleep at like 5:30 pm.

I felt bad because I know that my grandpa has a lot of stress and stuff but he literally forsnt even fucking try. I've written him many notes explaining as much as I can about dysphoria, what my real name is and yet he still asks me why I'm always upset even though I've told him it's because of dysphoria.

(Self harm mention)

Lately I've been really close to starting cutting again. I've never been suicidal, and I dont ever want to be. It's just that whenever I used to cut it made me feel better, and I want to feel better. I never went deep, I wasn't trying to kill myself. But the last time i did it, my grandparents got pissed off and took me to my councilor. I was very close to being admitted to a "mental hospital" or whatever you want to call it. I promised I would never do it again though. I think that was when I was like 15. So 3 years ago. And I've been pretty close recently. I just knew that I would never be able to hide it and I would get in trouble again.

I just wish I was born cis so I wouldn't even have to deal with this shit.