My Trans Story

I guess I'm not going to graduate

So I have a lot of depression and anxiety and shit which only gets worse when I'm dysphoric as hell.

So today was not a good day.

In fourth period I got really upset and anxious and I started crying in class and I just had my hood on and my face tucked into my arms.  The teacher couldn't get me to do my work. 

Which is yet another thing I was worried about.  I'm already a senior for the second time because I didn't try last year and I got worried that my depression and shit was going to make me stop trying again. My head was just a mess.

The teacher told me to go to the counselor which was embarrassing because I knew everybody saw that I was crying.

The counselor talked to me. And I tried to explain. I'm not good with talking with people. Plus my counselor always says she hates when I'm upset and that she cares about me, but it really doesn't seem like it when she just doodles in her notebook,  blank faced while asking me pointless questions. I mean, she's nice, but like, come on.

After that I started walking to lunch still upset and this girl from my 4th period asked me if I wanted to sit with her at lunch. She said she felt bad because I was crying. (I'll call her, uhhhh, Ravioli) I just said "I guess" because I'm not good at turning people down and I appreciated her concern. Also I'm not used to sitting with people at lunch because I don't have any friends.

I got out my phone to listen to music on the way to the lunch building, but since I was still in the school building,  a teacher got mad at me. Which only made me more upset and I just quickly walked to lunch, away from Ravioli and her friend. I felt bad because she just wanted to be nice and I walked away from her.

I threw my backpack down on a lunch table and sat down. By then I was crying again, and I shoved my face in my arms again. After a few minutes I decided to just leave the stupid lunch room and I went to go outside and a teacher told me to take off my hood. I rolled my eyes and took my hood down and literally two seconds later when I got outside I just yanked it back on and went and sat on the ground alone.

When it was time for class I just went into my classroom and after a few minutes of just sitting there, I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. When I got in there I sat in a stall and texted my grandpa.

I told him I couldn't do it. I wasn't every going to make it through the year. I ended up calling him and talking about it and I almost started crying again. He told me that I could come home for the rest of the day and that we could consider GED or something.

So he got there and we talked to my counselor again and left and I guess I'm not going to school tomorrow and we're going to figure things out.

I just want to be out of school, it's too emotionally draining. Also it's a bit hard to focus on school when you want to rip your body in half because of dysphoria.