My Trans Story

Today was shit

So quick thing. I'm going back to my old school that I haven't been to for like two years. Since I'll be in the regular high school then that means that I have to go the full year so basically I'm a senior for the second year. Not the worst of situations.

The thing is, today was my first day there and sometime during the day I finally gathered all my willpower to go talk to the school councilor and tell her that I'm transgender. 

I kind of awkwardly brought up the other trans guy that used to go to the school in an attempt to tell her that I was trans like him. She was pretty calm about the situation and talked with me about it and I told her that the reason I wanted to tell her was because I really wanted people to start calling me by male pronouns and my preferred name, like the other trans guy (we'll call him, Marshmallow) had done a couple years before. She told me that they couldn't actually change my name in the school system but she would talk to my teachers and the principal, tell them my situation and let them know what I want to be referred to as. She asked me what I wanted to be called and when I told her "Tyler" I saw her write it down. 

All good and great. The only thing was that she wanted me to make sure it would be okay with my grandparents. She didn't want me to get in trouble nor did she want them to get mad at the school. Marshmallow's parents apparently allowed him to be called by his name at school but wouldn't call him by his name at home and didn't approve of him being trans. Eventually they started calling him by his name though. 

So the councilor was pretty nice, the only thing that bothered me was that she kept misgendering Marshmallow when talking about him. She kept switching between "she" and "he" and it kind of pissed me off but I didn't say anything. She also brought up a trans girl that used to go to the school and kept calling her "he" and it made me mad. But at least she's trying to help me.

Tonight after dinner I went to ask my grandpa. I said "Hey, if I wanted to go by another name at school besides (birthname) would you be okay with it?" and he said "Well that would depend on what it is" and I explained the situation. He said "Well what do you want to be called?" and then he tried to guess and he said "Taylor?" and I said "No but that's actually very close" then he said "Tyler?" and I said yeah. He asked me why I couldn't just wait until I was out of school. I told him I didn't want to. "But everyone's known you for a girl for years" and I said I didn't care. Then he said that if I told my teachers then they'll tell everyone, then eventually everybody would know and I said I didn't care again. Then I told him about Marshmallow and how nobody really even said anything about him. He told me he'd think about it and tell me before the week was over, which really disappointed me because I wanted an answer before tomorrow. 

I'm really pissed off. If he knew what it was like to be misgendered every day of his fucking life then he wouldn't be telling me to "wait" or any of that shit. I can't wait. I am fucking depressed. Every single time I am deadnamed or misgendered I want to crawl into  a hole and never leave. I wish he just understood that. 

Not only that but my dysphoria is only getting worse. I still don't have a binder. I just now tried to find some way to cover my chest but it only resulted in me not being able to breathe and then giving up. So I'm not doing really good right now, and my grandpa isn't really helping the situation.

Not only that but today everyone was like "omg (birthname) you're back!" and "hey girl!" and all that because the last time I was at this school I thought I was a girl. So today was kind of shit.