My Trans Story

...

Why do I get blamed for every little stupid fucking thing that happens? My grandpa didnt know where the paper from inside a video game was and got super mad at me because apparently he thought i lost it. I didnt touch it. If it had fallen out I would've just picked it up and put it back in. So I dont know where the stupid paper is.

I told him just that but he would not let it go saying how ungrateful and lazy I was and how I didnt give a shit about anything or whatever and all I could think was "it's a fucking piece of paper shut the fuck up and stop crying over it"

I cant do anything without getting in trouble. My grandma brought up AGAIN about what happened last night, and how I was being a brat and this time my grandpa didnt even say anything about it.

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm

Okay so I havent been cutting my legs anymore. Which I would say is good, but I've started doing it to my arms. I tried for a while not to do that but I ended up caving in a couple weeks ago. I only do it on my upper forearms though so nobody will see them with sleeves.

My grandpa did ask me why I had a bandaid on my arm the other day and I just lied and said that the dog scratched me with her claws.

Out of fear of someone finding the razor, I've just been keeping it in the lid of a floss box.

I know this isnt good. I need to stop. But I cant. I feel like shit and the only way I've been able to take out my anger and depression is by doing this.

If I yell or argue, I'll just get in more trouble so I dont feel like I really have any other option.

I've been getting even more dysphoric lately. I'm always super tired. Whenever i feel like shit (all the time) the main things I do is listen to music and draw. I make things too. I don't ever really do anything else besides go on my phone all the time. I'm bored with everything else.

Also whenever I'm upset (always) I listen to really emotional music and
I've been listening to the same few songs on repeat for the last few days which are:

Hurt by Get Scared
Stumbling In Your Footsteps by Get Scared
Everyone's Safe in The Treehouse by I See Stars
Tongue Tied by Our Last Night
Picture Perfect by Escape The Fate 

Which I listened to when I was in the restaurant last night. By the time we left it was dark and I just lied in the very backseat of the van and listened to them. I think I almost fell asleep. Idk. I dont know why I'm mentioning this.

Okay yeah fucking great my grandpa is being a fucking piece of shit again. Calling my stupid fucking birth name in that stupid fucking voice. He wants me to watch a movie, but I've told him a million times that I hate movies. Whatever. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even alive.

I dont want to kill myself, but sometimes I feel like if I just fell asleep and didnt wake up, I would be okay with that.