My Trans Story

gender roles and dysphoria

(I wrote this in my notes the other day so I could paste it in when I felt like updating cuz I'm a lazy frick)

I hate gender roles. They're fucking stupid.

I consider all clothing gender neutral, all interests, hobbies, hair styles, all of them gender neutral. You can wear/do whatever you enjoy no matter what your gender is. Paint your nails, wear makeup whatever.

I personally prefer the more "masculine" look but there are "feminine" things that I enjoy too. Such as painting my nails, and even eye makeup sometimes, and I wouldnt mind if my hair was a little longer. I'm still a boy. But I still have some "feminine" interests. Some of those interests might just be because I'm emo though lmao but still.

Even though I like those things, I don't do them because of dysphoria. I'll be like "hm I should paint my nails black" then my dysphoria makes me think "no because people will see painted nails and think you're a girl" or people will see eye makeup and think girl. People will see longish hair and think girl. And while I said that everything is gender neutral, I know that a lot of other people don't think that and will make assumptions. So basically I have to like not do anything even remotely feminine or people will think I'm a girl.

At least that's what my dysphoria makes me think. And I know it's true in some cases but not all. Yet I still just don't do feminine things cuz of that fear. So I'm probably going to end up waiting until I pass as a male to do things like that.

Then I'll be seen as a guy and won't have to worry about people assuming I'm a girl when I wear nail polish or makeup or whatever. Cuz nobody's gonna see a guy with a flat chest and a deep voice with nail polish on and think "oh that's a girl"

Still it kinda sucks to just ignore those interests right now cuz they don't help me pass.

Also I have a story that I just remembered.

I was at a store with my grandparents the other day and any time I'm with them I know they're gonna call me "granddaughter" and "she" and my birth name if they bring me up to anybody they talk to.

So yeah I always use the womens bathrooms, whatever. Even though I know my grandparents are gonna misgender me to everyone and me, I still try to pass cuz dysphoria yay whatever.

So I would say on that day, I looked more masculine than I usually do? I was wearing a hoodie and a leather jacket which hid my body shape pretty well, but if I passed I probably looked 15. Anyway.

I went into the bathroom which was empty. I just thought to myself "okay this is the womens room, you look kinda masc today, if anybody says anything just tell them you're a girl whatever I guess ugh"

So I used the bathroom, washed my hands and left the bathroom. Then I turned and looked at the door and realized that I had accidentally used the mens room.

I kinda like internally freaked out and like just went to find my grandparents while thinking "oh shit I'm seriously glad that nobody saw that. If someone had seen me in there and thought I was a girl, then I couldnt say I'm a boy cuz what if they heard my grandparents call me a girl? What if they didnt believe me?"

Cuz with the womens room I could just lie and say I'm a girl and if anybody had any problems then my grandparents would say I'm a girl. But in the mens room I couldnt just say I'm a boy in public with my grandparents cuz if someone had a problem then my grandparents would say I'm a girl and I would probably get in trouble for going to the mens room.

Ashdjldkdk idk it just freaked me out for a few minutes, but then I thought Haha I used the mens room and I'm a men.