My Trans Story

I hate my entire existence

I really wish I wasn't born trans. If I could choose to be born a cis guy, I would. Fuck, if I could even choose to be a cis girl intent with my body then I would. But that's just not how it fucking works. I'm a boy but I was born with this stupid fucking body and a family who doesnt fucking give a shit about me enough to accept that.

My grandpa is being more of a shit head recently and he got mad and into an argument with me this morning because " I just dont understand why you need to wear that binder thing!" And "if your voice was just a bit deeper people wouldn't know you're a girl"

Um??? Like that's the fucking point. I know I look like a boy. That is WHAT I AM TRYING TO ACHEIVE. (Okay I mean I dont look very masc, I look like a 15 year old boy, but at least I dont look like super 'girly') and he yelled at me in the car and said that "do you really think that all those other people support you with this boy thing? They dont. They're just trying to make you feel better" and "stop looking at that stuff on the internet about those freaks and idiots and assholes" and from what I can tell, my grandpa is the kind of person who doesnt want to see good people get hurt (even if they're queer) but thinks the solution is for the people to just "stop being trans or queer" or some shit idfk

I really cant stand this anymore. I just want to hurry up and get the fuck out of this damn house. I love my grandparents so much, but if they're just going to keep treating me like shit and that my existence doesnt fucking matter, then I just need to leave.

You know, if a parent causes their child to hate themself and cry all the time and want to get out of their house as fast as possible, I would say they're not a good parent. All my life they've been good parents. Awesome parents. But the second I tell them I'm trans, they think it's the worst thing in the world, that (despite being one of the most honest people in the family) I'm suddenly a liar, an attention seeker, a crazy person.

It makes me feel like shit.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do. Right now I'm working on getting my GED. I'm taking a practice test next week and then after that I can take the real thing. I got my ID today so that I can take the real test. Ummm... I guess after that, I probably need to work on my college situation. I definitely need to get my license. When I start college I am NOT going to stay here. I dont care what I have to do, I'll stay in a dorm, get an apartment idfk.

I dont know. When I start college I'll find a way to get them to use my real name. Maybe I can go stealth somehow... idk.

I've been exercising more the past couple weeks in the hopes that I can maybe lose some weight and that my curves wont show very much. I've been really tempted to shave my face to see if it's possible to get any hair there but I cant really do that without my grandparents flipping out.

I'm just so frustrated. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed. I just fucking need T. I need top surgery. I cant do this anymore.

Just. I dont know what to do.