My Trans Story

I'm just so friccing scared about everything

(Long rant about dysphoria)

I'm honestly so afraid I'll never be able to transition. My grandparents aren't supportive and my anxiety and depression is so bad I wouldn't be able to move out for a while.

Because I know I'm 18 and can technically do what I want now, but since I still live with my grandparents it won't work that way.

I don't know what to do. I cant even socially transition. I dont have any friends, I'm not in school anymore, I never really go anywhere, it's always just me at home with my transphobic grandparents who have never gendered me correctly or called me by my real name.

I want to see a gender therapist, but like I said, my grandparents probably won't let me. I mean, I've looked up so much stuff about transitioning and if I could just see a gender therapist it would be great. It would also be great if my grandparents would stop calling me my fucking birth name as well because I want to fucking cry every time they do.

Also my grandpa has this really fucking annoying habit of saying my birthname in this stupid singy high pitched voice while pronouncing every syllable really loud and it makes me want to fucking punch a hole in a wall. Every time he does that I just yell "STOP!!!" or just "WHAT???" In a really pissed off voice. I've told him to stop fucking doing that but he won't.

"Why are you depressed now?"

Um maybe because you're being a piece of shit and calling me that stupid fucking name?

"When you're anxious like this just calm down and think good thoughts and you'll be fine!"

Hey how about you shut the fuck up because it doesn't work that way. You have back pain. Just stop thinking about it! Think good thoughts! Then the back pain will go away! Easy! Right? NO OF COURSE NOT. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY,  I CANNOT CONTROL IT AND YOU BEING A TRANSPHOBIC SHIT BISCUIT ISN'T FUCKING HELPING.

I want to rip my own fucking chest off. I want to fucking cry when i'm dysphoric but I barely can without you being a dick and telling me to stop crying. I hate my name.

I'm just so fucking scared that because of this I'll never get the chance to be myself and be happy.

Edit: When I said mental illness, I was referring to depression and anxiety not being transgender. Being transgender isn't a mental illness, even though dysphoria is. I was saying that you can't control depression and anxiety and dysphoria. Just for clarification because I kinda worded it wrong and I didn't intend to.