My Trans Story

idk what number this chapter is

Okay so I can't stand another day in this stupid fucking house. My grandpa is being even more of a dick than usual and it's making me feel like shit. With my dysphoria and depression only getting worse and my anxiety being crazy, he isn't making anything better.

He still says my birthname in that stupid ass voice. He makes this stupid clicking sound every second of every day, even though I've told him repeatedly to stop. Repetitive noises really fucking get on my nerves and fuck with my anxiety but he doesn't give a shit. He keeps calling me a "young woman" and talks about me having kids in the future and shit, even though I've said i dont want kids, especially give birth to one. I rarely bind, because whenever I do he gets mad at me.

He gets mad at me for crying, acts like i can just "stop thinking about whatever is bothering me" and I'll be okay. Yeah sure, if i could do that then we wouldnt even be having a problem here. He wants to tell me why I'm upset, yet i know if I do that he'll turn it into some stupid lecture.

Lately all I have been able to think about is testosterone and transitioning because I feel like shit in this stupid body.

I'm tired all the time, I'm never hungry, I just dont care about anything. I dont think theres really a point in doing anything if I'm not going to be happy. I'm not going to be happy doing anything as long as I look like a girl, sound like one, and am seen like one. So whats the point in doing stupid chores? Eating? Being awake? I don't care.

(Trigger warning btw I'm going to mention self harm in a bit of depth)

Lately I've been wanting to cut so badly. It's been like three years since i did it last and the only thing stopping me was the fear that my grandparents would see the cuts and yell at me like they did last time. I don't want to die, I'm not trying to kill myself, but I remember that cutting made me feel a lot better. And thats all I really want. To feel better. I know its not good but what the hell else can I do?

I gave in yesterday, and broke apart a shaving razor to get the blades out and cut my thigh, because it was the only place I could think of that my grandparents were less likely to see them.

As you may be able to tell, today has been a shitty day so far, shittier than usual, and I did it again today.

I dont know what to do. I just want to go to sleep and wake up cis. It would make everything a hell of a lot easier on everyone.