My Trans Story

idk this is just some rant i wrote in my google docs

I dont think I'm doing good at this point in my life. I currently have not showered or used deodorant in 4 days. The only thing I've eaten today was raw bread and some Graham crackers. The only thing I've drank was a few sips of Pepsi. I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I never wear my glasses. I haven't changed my clothes in 3 days. My neck always hurts, i never exercise. I either sleep for 3 hours or 19. I'm almost always tired.

I never want to do things I'm usually interested in. I rarely watch TV or movies anymore. I never want to draw because I don't think I'll improve. I can't focus on books. I'm always bored.

The only thing I can think about is testosterone. I'm anticipating my birthday for money so I can buy a packer and a binder. Probably won't happen though, so I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even if I had the money, how would I get it? How would I wear it without being asked why I suddenly have a bulge? I want to exercise so I can pass but I just keep getting out of it. My pinterest is filling up with things I want. Clothes, mostly. I guess it's to keep me hopeful for the day when I can present how I wish, but it's probably also just getting my hopes up. I wish I could cry more often, rather than just lying emotionless in my bed.

I wish I had friends. Or a boyfriend. So I don't feel so fucking alone all the time. So that I can have somewhere to go.

I went through years of feeling uncomfortable with myself with no explanation. When I was 16 I started questioning why I felt like shit. I discovered I was trans when I was 17. I came out when I was 18. I'm almost 19 and I feel like nobody even gives a shit. My dysphoria is only getting worse.

I'm constantly called a girl and a woman and a young lady. I'm told I'll be a mother and a wife and all this bullshit as if I had never came out in the first place. I get ridiculed for binding.

"you should grow your hair out so people will stop calling you a boy"

Summer is in only a matter of months and I know I'm going to get the whole "you need to shave now" and what little dysphoria I've been able to relieve by not shaving will just be thrown out the window.

I've been debating recently whether or not I actually like the name Tyler and want to use it forever, or if I just felt rushed and settled on it. If I decide to change it then I'll feel like a burden for the people I've told my new name was Tyler.

I just want to lay down and wake up as a real guy. I want to wake up from a coma, where I find I've been a real guy this whole time and my whole life has just been some sort of nightmare.

I wish I could just come out to everyone I know. Just post a status on Facebook and everyone knows. But then what? Get in huge trouble with my parents? I may have supporters but it's likely I'll also have a bunch of people in my family hate me. Then what do I do? Where do I go? I can't drive, I have nobody to help me. What will it do but just make my life worse?

I should start college soon. I want to go stealth. How? I'll definitely have the initial problem with telling the college I'm trans. My gender and name isn't legally changed so what if they just refuse to call me the right thing? What if people find out I'm trans? Will they hurt me? Call me horrible things and insist I'm a woman?

I wish I could say it's going to get better for me but I highly doubt it.