Fuzzy thoughts

Months

*2ds pov*

It's has been a couple of weeks since murdoc and I have started dating. I was very naive to think that everything would be the same after we did, but no, he is always next to me, always making some type of skin contact. Whenever we're alone I always, always have to fight him cause I....I just don't....want to.....have.....have sex.....ITS NOT LIKE ITS MURDOC!! I shook my head fiercely, the ash from the cigar I was smoking going everywhere.

No...it's defiantly not murdoc. It's...what happens.... I guess it is a little bit of him.....I rested my arms on my knees placing my head on my palms....what happens he only likes my body... only wants that and leaves? The words stung to think of it, like acid dripping over my conflicted slow beating heart.

Why can't we just smile and laugh? Why does he always have to make a new mark? I touched my collar bone, covered in bruises. Bruises that I didn't mind too much, wasn't like it was abuse anymore, just lust? I guess my love and Murdoc's love is different.... I just want affection and a best friend. Murdoc? He wants to own someone. He does now, me. But what do I get out of this? Murdoc......

My mind started to traced back to the day of when me and murdoc would laugh, make music, drink and he would smoke... I had my drugs, I smiled big bad murdoc said that even he wouldn't go near cocaine....he did try my pain killers.....at least I'm more brave than him in one area. Not an area that I wanted to be, I woke up in the hospital a lot, either overdose or a lack of it. First time I saw murdoc actually feel bad about me......

I shook the thought out of my head. I took out my journal....can't take? What's close to that.....ti-tic-ticker...tape? Sounds stupid. I shook my head in disgust, but wrote it down anyway. I needed more lyrics....later.

I don't thinks we should tell them....Murdoc's voice rang in my head, this time, I wasn't happy about it. Yeah he has a pretty big ego and would die if he lost his rep, but....is it that bad to be with me? Is it that embarrassing? He says he loves me with ease, but really what does he think? Lost in thought I didn't notice my cigar burning my finger....I didn't care. It's better to think that. Just let the earth plummet, bring me along with it.

Damn. That again. Can't I just think happy thoughts? Why does life have to be cruel? Why does my brain have to be cruel? It was like going down memory lane after that. When noodle was first here, we taught her English, me and Russel taught her nice words. By the time of demon days she was pretty much fluent in both languages, she still had a pretty heavy accent though, even to this day she calls me Toochi, I think it's just for memories by now.

Two days ago flashed into my head, when me and murdoc almost got caught by her. Murdoc was sneaking out my room in the morning, he had slept in my bed. He almost got caught by noodle cause of her 8 o'clock routine of getting me. Luckily he is good at lying and excuse, almost as good as me, he doesn't like to use those much cause he says 'truth is more painful.' I nodded my head sure is.

Later of that day when he was almost caught, he said something that just buttered my toast! 'Can't let anyone find us out. I'm your secret persona.' His low seductive tone still melting my brain, making me want more......secret persona? An idea popped into my head.
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Now just for a title.......I had made a full song! Just about me and murdoc....how about he's my collar? WAIT!! I should definitely change he's to she's!! The fans probably won't make that assumption of me and murdoc and I'm just gay....but there is a pretty....pretty weird fan base out there. I shivered at the thought of the picture Noodle showed me. I guess they are pretty actuate though. Except I'm not just some push-ove—....nah their right.
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Sometime passed while I changed the he's to she's. It was dark and snowing. I hope murdoc likes this song....you know what!! I'll keep it a surprise until we release the album!! It's in my journal after all, he won't go in here.

"Toochi!! Get in here!! Your going to catch a cold!!" Noodle opened the door, her mother side coming out. She's more of a parent than me and murdoc were, Russel, he still keeps her as his little princess. "NOW!" She stomped her foot.

"Sorry. I'm coming in. Just one more smoke. Okay luve?" I smiled at her, she gave a little sigh and closed the door. That's the only reason for the world not pulling me to rock bottom. Noodle and Russel, couldn't live without them. I took out the fag, putting it to my lips, now owned by murdoc. Everything of me was owned by murdoc, when agreeing to date him, it was like giving up the little freedom I had, did I have any? Those rotten thoughts entering my brain..of course I did. I just never used it. I once again, burned my fingers, this time it got my attention, I gave a soft wimper then threw it on the ground, hurrying my way to the sink in the kitchen.

"Man d, you should just quit smoking." Russel appeared beside me,"not only you—"

"Yeah, Yeah! I've heard that enough Russ!" He knew that lecture always bugged me, I know I had to quit, but what's the use? I already have bad lungs and teeth, does anything else matter besides that?

"Calm down, just trying to get you out of your day dreaming. Your covered in snow, not to mention your soaking." He pushed a towel into my chest,"go take a bath, sure to warm ya up." He then grabbed his hat off a hook and walked out the door into the snow himself, I just shrugged it off.

I took his advice, I always did, he always has good advice.
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*murdocs pov*

Man...*hiccup*... that....bar was the best, ave ta tell em, abo— t it!! I stumbled my way up to the pourch, kicking something.... my loves journal? "Hmm" I flipped through the pages, going to the newest page, noticing the title, 'she's my collar' interested, I kept reading..........secret persona? She's my collar? Is....is he...cheating on me!! Anger bubbling up, no anger was good enough...Satan building up in me. I headed up the stairs, pushing noodle out of my way, she hit the wall beside me. I didn't turn my attention, 'no one cheats on me!' I slammed his door open, there he stood, his hair wet, only boxers on.......
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Whahahaha.