Still Here [Fillie]

The Bargaining

Finn's POV

It's been a week since school started. Jacob has been pushing my buttons. I want to fight back, but I don't like to hurt people. I just pray that he leave me alone for once.

I got off the school bus with Caleb talking to me about his weekend with Sadie yesterday. He followed me all the way to my locker. "And then Sadie got really scared and jumpy during the movie, so she cuddled me all day. It was the first time we did that and it was incredible! Do you know what happens when two people cuddle, Finn?" "Caleb please stop talking before you give me unwanted information and say something gross." I beg as I put more books into my bag.

"But we didn't. I-I wouldn't if she wanted to, but-...look we just made out and it was great. Her lips tasted like citrus." The older boy chuckles. I roll my eyes and shut my locker. I put my backpack on my back as we walked to class. I didn't care about Caleb and Sadie's make out session. I wish I could make out with Millie if she were still alive. Only if she wanted to, of course. If she didn't I would be okay with a simple kiss on the cheek or an innocent hand hold. Anything to make her happy.

As we were walking, I saw Jacob ahead of us. He was coming our way. I kept my head down and my eyes on the ground in fear. Not today, please. Not today. I glance up and see him walk right past me without saying a word, putting his hands on me, or even looking at me. I guess my prayers have been answered. Jacob isn't going to hurt me today. That must mean my other prayer is going to be answered, Millie is coming back.

I got to homeroom and sat down in my seat with a smile. I've been a very good boy and now the lord will finally give me what I want. I mustn't be selfish with my wishes of course. With great power comes great responsibility. That's why I only ask for the beautiful Millie Brown to return to earth. The bell for class to start rung and the teacher stood up from her desk. "Open you're notebooks to a clean sheet of paper and take notes from this video you'll be watching." She instructs before shutting off the lights and playing a video on the projector screen.

I don't have anything important to do right now, so I grab my journal from my backpack and write in for a bit.

Day#101. You've been dead for one hundred days, holy moly! Okay so you know I'm not really a religious person, but I've been praying a lot lately. Some of my prayers have been answered. Last night I promised the lord that I would get all my homework done that night if he promised to make Jacob Sartourious leave me alone. You remember Jacob, right? That guy who threw lemons at me last year while I walked you home? Same guy. I've made another wish that I hope comes true and I'm sure it will. I've been busting my ass to keep my room clean, keep my parents happy, and to keep my grades up. I want you to come back to me because I've changed and I deserve a reward. Please come back to me. I lo

I stare down at my notebook with wide eyes. I can't believe I almost wrote that. She watches me, right? What if she sees this right now? I wonder what else she sees when she spies on me. I scribble out those two letters with my pen and write something else.

miss you millipede.

I smile and shut my book to put it back into my bag. I fold my hands together on my desk and lean my head on them as I mumble a prayer to myself. "Dear lord, thank you so much for getting Jacob to avoid me this morning, I really appreciate it. I can't wait for you to bring Millie back, the bus rides to school have been very lonely for me lately and I'm looking forward to sharing a seat with her. I really miss her and I've been super helpful at home and in school and even out in public. Please just give me this one last thing and I promise to never ask for anything again. Amen."

"Finn Wolfhard, are you sleeping in my class? And where is your notebook?" My teacher scolds me. I shot my head up and dug around my backpack for my notebook for this class. "Sorry. I'm paying attention now." I apologize before hearing a few giggles from around the room. I grin and get my things out to set them on my desk in front of me. I really think this is going to work. It has to work, I'm a changed man.

-

"Finn Wolfhard, could you please come down to the guidance councilor's office." A very monotone voice announces over the speakers while I was at lunch. My friends gasp and 'ooo' as if I'm in trouble. I roll my eyes. "Oh would you all hush? I've done nothing wrong, I'm an innocent little good boy." I say. Sadie giggles as I pick up my stuff and left the cafeteria with my bag on my shoulder. I walk down the quiet empty hall and to the guidance council's office.

"You wanted to see me, Mr.Modine?" I ask as I stood in the doorway. A man with nice tan skin with a stubble and grey hair looks up at me with a smile. "Finn! It's so good to see you after summer buddy!" He cheers. I flash a smile back at him and take a seat in a chair. "I've been meaning to meet with you since the first day back to school, but I was busy helping freshmen. How was your summer break?" He asked with a warm smile.

I sigh and groan at the memory of that evil place I was sent to. "Absolutely awful. I went to Millie Brown's funeral and I punched my brother in the stomach because I was so angry. A couple weeks after that I threw a candle at my dad and broke his arm, so my parents sent me to an anger management camp." I explain. Mr.Modine raises his eyebrows in interest as he leans back in his chair. "How was camp?" He questions. I groan even more, wishing that I didn't have to talk much about camp.

"Horrible. If I even showed an ounce of negativity, they sent me to my cabin and I couldn't do anything for the rest of the day. I spent the whole summer in that ugly little shed in the woods all by myself." The man chuckles a little and sits up at his desk to write something in his big notebook. "Sounds like you had moved out of the denial stage and into the anger stage of grief. How do you feel right now in your life?"

I take a moment to think about how I feel now. I don't feel angry and I understand that Millie is gone, but not for long. "I feel okay. I'm still just a little sad that Millie is dead, but I'm sure she'll come back soon." I reply. Mr.Modine stops his writing and shoots his eyes up at me. He sat his pencil down and looked at me with knitted brows. "What do you mean by that, Finn?" He inquired.

I chuckled. "Well I'm not really much of a religious person, but I've been saying a few prayers a day in hopes that I can change everything. I just don't think Millie should have died when it just wasn't her time, you know?" I elaborate. The man behind the desk let out a hum as he leans forward on his desk. He takes a nice long look at me before interrogating me.

"Do you sometimes wish that it was you who died instead of Millie?" I do think that, I think about that often. Hell I wish it was me instead of her. "A-all the time I guess." I shyly answer as I slowly sink into my seat more. Mr.Modine nodded and asked me one last question. "When you're speaking to god, do you make promises to him, in hopes that he'll bring Millie back or make you happy again?" I slowly nod and he sighs while putting his head down on the desk.

Is all of it bad? I've done nothing but good things. I might even start going to church to make sure that god will give her back. "Finn...you're bargaining." The guidance counselor informs me as he now sat up and went back to writing in his notebook. I pinch my brows. Bargaining? That's a stage in grief. How am I bargaining? I'm just trying to be a good person. What even is bargaining?

"W-what do you mean? No, what is bargaining exactly?" I stumble over my words. Mr.Modine looks up at me and begins to explain everything to me. "Well when you're grieving over the death of a loved one, or a friend in your case, you start to think about the what if's and wonder how you could bring them back. You said that you wish it was you who passed away instead of Millie and you've started praying for her to come back."

I can't believe I've entered the third stage of grief without even realizing it. I thought I was done. I thought I was okay. I don't know what to do now.

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Yup.❤️