F*ck Fate! (Book 3)

Chapter Twenty-One: Fear

Shawn

As much as I hated to admit it, I kept thinking about what Andy said. What if it was true that I was mean to protect my own masculinity? I hadn't thought about it that way before, but it made way too much sense. I just didn't want to admit to it being true.

Because if it was true, then that meant it was something I could control. And if I could control it, that meant that I could actually be with Andy. That thought scared me.

Being with Andy would mean opening myself up to him. It would mean truly admitting to the world who I am. It's not that I was afraid of more people knowing I'm bi, it's that I was afraid that I would like it - that I would like being with a guy so much that I'd want to spend forever with him.

It terrified me that I felt like I could be with Andy that way.

There was something about him that was so intriguing. I hated how I couldn't stop thinking about him. Or how he kept popping up into my life the way he does. It's like everywhere I look, there's Andy, waiting for me.

"You know your friend's still out there, right?" Franky asked as he passed by with a stack of cups. "I figured you'd spend your whole break out there with him instead of eating back here by yourself."

I picked up another fry and tossed it into my mouth. "He's not my friend," I said before chewing. "And we already talked."

Franky shook his head and kept walking, but not before I heard him mutter "Someone's in a bad mood" under his breath. Well, he wasn't wrong.

With a sigh, I pushed away the rest of my burger. I didn't feel like eating any more of that.

Maybe Franky was right. I should go back out and sit with Andy. I had twenty minutes left in my break, the least I could do was not sit here alone. And I shouldn't make him sit out there alone either.

Grabbing my burger and fries, I headed back out to the dining area. Andy was still where he had been, with his back to me. I hesitated before walking the rest of the way over, not sure if he'd even want me to sit with him again.

I went anyway, sitting back down in the chair I had been in only a couple minutes ago. I couldn't help but notice that this chair was a lot less comfortable than the one I was sitting in in the back. That's a shame.

"You're back," he said, smiling. Then he gestured to my food. "Planning on staying a bit longer this time?"

"I'm sorry," I told him, unable to look him in the eyes. "I don't really know what's going on in my head anymore."

I looked up when I felt his hand placed on top of mine. "I'm sorry if I freaked you out," he said.

Pulling my hand out from under his, I put both of my hands into my lap. "It's not you," I started hesitantly. "It's... I don't know. It's me, I guess."

Andy chuckled. "Are you giving me the break up speech right now?" He put a hand over his chest in pretend shock. "I thought we were going so well!"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up."

"Okay, in all seriousness, Shawn, I do like you. I don't care if you have issues going on in your life or with yourself. So do I. We all do. That's not a reason to run from this. 'Cause I don't know about you, but that kiss we shared this morning... I've never felt anything like it. I can't imagine you didn't feel it too."

I inhaled deeply, unsure what to say. Ultimately, I went with what I knew was a lie, simply because that was easier to accept than the truth. "I didn't feel anything special. I'm sorry. I'll be your friend, Andy, but I can't date you. I don't like you like that."

He nodded his head slowly. "Okay." Then that was all he said about it.

At first, Andy and I just ate in silence. Then he pointed out something ridiculous that a customer was wearing and we started laughing. Making fun of her turned into pretending to act out people's conversations from across the room or when they walked by outside.

I was actually having a lot of fun with him. So much so that when I glanced at the time, I realized my break had ended almost ten minutes ago.

I jumped to my feet, still laughing. "My break ended nine minutes ago," I told Andy. "I'm so dead."

He shook his head with a smile. "You were right here. If they really needed you, they would have come gotten you. Don't worry about it."

When I clocked back in, Franky gave me a look. "Had fun over there with your not friend, huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's none of your business."

"You're lucky it's not busy and Lisa's in her office, otherwise you might have gotten in trouble for taking a long break."

"It's already in the system. I don't really care."

Honestly, my bad mood from earlier was gone. Not even remembering that my mom had called me this morning could bring my mood down. It was the first time in a long time that I was actually in a good mood.

When I got home that night, Ivy was waiting up for me. "Dad passed out wine-drunk again."

I sighed. Of course he did, but I knew what I was going to do about it. I wasn't going to let him drag this family down. "I'm going to make him talk to someone about Mom," I told Ivy. "I'm off in a couple days, I'll try to get him an appointment for then."

"You're happy," Ivy pointed out, seeming to ignore what I had just said. "I haven't seen you like this in a while."

I shrugged. "I'm fine, like I always am. What do you know anyway?"

She just smiled, so I shook my head and went to bed.