Struggles

Weaker than ever?

We were in love since a young age, it was the typical ' I was five and he was six, we rode horses made of sticks '.

Everybody knew we were for each other. Two cousins in love, just like heaven.

We grew up playing together, talking together, facing our family issues together..
Everything we did was described as together.

I found myself in high school dating my cousin whose parents never liked me.

My other cousin, unnamed, was my bestfriend. She and I always talked about how I dreamt of him, how he was everything I even dreamt of, loved and appreciated.

I didn't realise it until she talked his mother out of our relationship.
She loved him but I had never known.
What a waste of a friend!

I found myself kicked out. He left me for his mother's intention, he liked her for his mother intention, and me.. I was nothing anymore.
After many many years of this relationship, I was nothing anyhow.
And what should I do?

Should I listen to him when he out of nowhere messages me saying that he still loves me? Or should I move on and listen to my friends' advice?

Should I be weak or get stronger?

Should I choose love or choose myself?

And I chose love.
I loved him in a way noone could ever understand. He was everything I thought of.

Suddenly.. he was gone. He never came back, he proposed to her.

Everything went round and round, she visited telling me ' my bad! ' for everything she caused. He stopped talking. He stopped saying he was forced.

He was never forced dear self! He was never forced to love or leave me!

Him and her engaged.. it was a nightmare to me.

And what could I do but cry?

What could I do but say she freaking took him away?

Sigh.

I know I am weak.

But I am trying to get on my feet again. For me.
But I can't! He was everything I stood up for!

My parents separated and I am here feeling numb! What is everything worth if he is not there to tell him anymore?
What is the point?

Sigh.

What is the point of being strong?