Struggles

Too good to be bad!

I had one goal in life - choosing kindness over everyone and everything.
My family always told me about stories from religion and life about tenderness. I was so affected by them I wanted to be the kindest in this ugly world.
Yet I didn't become one.

I had that deep feeling that I am superior over others cause I had a sharp tongue, which made me on the contrary of what I wanted.

I became rather mean.

I remember the first time people laughed at me because I got angry out of nothing and started to curse. I was rather young, and I thought I was cool. Then I realised I was not.
When it came to my friends I was not cool at all. I was evil. I was harsh.

I hurt all my dearest-s bad. I tell them words I never think of when I am calm.
Yet when I am angry, I turn into a monster. A furious and jackknifing one.

I tend to apologize, but what for? It is too late. It was too hard.

When I grew up enough, I realized I was never good, I was rather the most black hearted in the room.

Too bad I didn't become what I wanted when I was younger!

It turned into a temper, an utterly raging one. I can not control it right now.
When it is out.. it is done. I am done. The poor creature in front of me is done.
I keep hurting and leaving scars whenever I go.

Even my beloved ones.. they fear me.

I wish I was a little less mean, or I wish I could get rid of this madness.

I keep wishing but I never work on it. It is harder than you think it is.

I am doomed. Everyone I know is.

But at least.. I think deep in my heart I am still pure enough to realize I am really cruel sometimes.
I mean if I weren't that bad, I wouldn't admit it!
Deep inside I still fear God and I still feel guilty. I feel like I am hurt every time I hurt somebody.
I think.. people forgive me for that reason.

I feel embarrassed every time someone tells me you said so and so.
The thing is, I never remember what I did. I always feel that deep down I am still a good person.

But do they think I am?

You know, I am simply every thing and its contrast..
I am a rose garden filled with thorns.