Struggles

Null.

I think there is nothing for me to do in this world anymore.
Not because I have done much.. I have done actually nothing.
But the feelings inside are so long gone I can grant you I feel nothing.

Emptiness. That's how they describe it. Although I think it has no synonym. It has no description. It is not even a feeling, it's nothing.

They say I can start all over again and do pretty much everything I want. It is that, I don't want to. I am more lazy than you think I guess I am spitting negative energy in the basin. It is so gloomy and dark inside me.

I lost all of my friends and I guess it is because I whine a lot. Maybe I vented too much, maybe they didn't want to listen no more. I can't blame them. I am annoying, from now on I will be silent.
Silent as the wind blows me away.
Silent as the rain washes my ache.
Yes I am in pain, too.

Whenever I try to get up, something in my head tells me to stay still. It is for null, in vain, you can say.. useless.

That voice guides me the whole time, or you can say.. it puzzles me. I don't know if I should go to my therapist, but it says I shouldn't.

Why am I here then and what's my purpose??
I used to think everyone has a purpose, that he does something different to the universe. I guess the universe doesn't need us.

This leads me to one thing.. to kill myself.
But I am scared.
I am scared I won't die and live tortured.
I am frightened I will fail in this, too.
Yet the applause keeps up inside my mind;
"KILL.YOUR.SELF.
COMMIT.SUICIDE.
THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR YOU TO DO.
GO.AHEAD.".

I am so done with this. I want to seek help!!
It is so boring to live with someone guiding you to.. to nothing!
Man I am so screwed if I keep it up like this.

This is where the voice turned to a being, I saw him,
He slapped me and wanted to kill me.
"GO AWAY YOU BITCH!!! I AM.. SUFFOC-C-ATING.."

I woke up to my mother looking at me with tears.
"Oh dear, who were you talking to??? Are you insane?"

Oh ma no, I am not.
Just.. help me get up.