Struggles

Depressed but wise enough!

I have got depression. A severe one.

Sometimes I just can not leave the bed. Sometimes I just can not talk to anybody.

Sometimes I feel my depression is my source of wisdom.

When I am gone, I feel everything is numb- not dark, but numb and empty. So empty I can not feel my legs. Or my lungs.

When I am awake from the episode, I feel like I have got the world in my hands. I have got my philosophy in my mind. I can see everything and touch almost feelings.

I can see through myself. I know I have got faith and it was there somewhere when I was gone.

I know I am good enough.

I talk this out to one friend, she is listening. She knows what I am thinking, She says she loves me anyway- as a friend, and that's a good thing.

Her words encourage me. I feel more wise than I should have. I feel I have got the world between my arms.

My depression was just.. a handcuff. Maybe a strong one, but I never groan. I never whine about it. It is just.. there. And I know somehow I will get rid of it.

She always said she believed in me.

I know she does.

To be honest I lost my someone dear because I was too weird. It's sad.. but she is better off. I am not in my right mind sometimes, and sometimes I am not too sweet.

Whatever, I should get some therapy. I am just too numb for it, yet sometimes I am literally too excited for it.

Faith made me make it, although it sometimes fades away. It actually sticks around the corner, it is fine.

I know I am too dumb and different, but I am better off like that. I like being true to myself more than appealing to you.

Through all of this mess I never cry. I never shed a tear. And this sometimes kills me and giver me the headache, but what should I do anyway?

Get therapy? oh yes, I will. Some day..

Talk to my friend? Oh yes, I do. She says I am mad, she gets mad, too. But she is then fine and laughs it off. She knows me too well, she knows I am depressed but wise enough.

I am wise enough.

Sometimes!